The NRL served up a platter of fuck last week – a few games were decided by a point or two, other games had scorelines that blew out to cricket scores. Admittedly, they would have been shitty cricket scores, but still.
Steve Matai played last week, and as a result was cited for dangerous tackles, swinging arms, elbowing, use of the knee and copped a warning for having his left brake light out. If Steve Matai ever gets somebody to write his biography for him, most of the pages will be about how he filled in his time at the judiciary and then spent eight seasons watching his mates play footy from the sidelines. Because he’s a little fucking bitch, Manly “coach” Geoff The Original Rat Toovey has argued that the NRL judicial system is unfair because Matai keeps getting suspended.
Yep. It’s the system’s fault. The same way that Jeffrey Dahmer thought that the system was unfair because he kept getting into trouble for eating people. “They shouldn’t taste so delicious!” Seriously Toovey, no one liked you when you played, and no one likes you now and NOW YOU KNOW WHY.
Speaking of little princesses who play footy (also for Manly), Jamie I have a Girl’s Name Lyon has come out and said that he rejected a call-up to play State of Origin because five years ago he lost confidence in his game after, you know, making the Kangaroos tour. I know that when I get picked as one of
best players, it really makes me double-guess myself too. NSW coach Ricky I complain so much I might as
well be at Manly Stuart phoned Lyon to invite him into the Origin squad, but Australia Lyon said, “No shanksh.”
At the time Stuart said he "totally accepted" Lyon's reasons. Stuart
didn’t mention that he didn’t want to invite Lyon
in the first place, and that his mum was making him do it.
Round… what are we up to? Thirteen? Jesus.
This week we’ve got an all-Queensland affair with the Titans hosting the Cowboys in what has been billed as possibly “the slowest talking game ever” in a battle of the drawls. Extra security will be on hand in the car park to make sure all of the dogs remain tied to the back of their utes during the game.
Head scratcher of the week is Manly taking on the Dragons. While I do like the Saints, they either haven’t been playing great footy this year, or they have an in-team competition going to win games by one point. This week though, Manly will be able to cheat and whinge their way to victory.
Gold Coast Titans vs North Queensland Cowboys
Manly Sea Eagles vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Bulldogs vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors vs Melbourne Storm
Brisbane Broncos vs Newcastle Knights
Parramatta Eels vs Sharks
Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers
The Raiders were pummelled by the Bunnies last week, and despite somehow getting to within two points at half time, were never going to be able to stop Greg Inglis and Dave Taylor. It would have been nice of them to try though. I’m not sure what the Raiders do at training (sit around and paint each other's nails, probably), but playing touch football is not an option. Hit the fucking tackling bags, line up the Under 20s side and play British Bulldog, just fucking do things that teach you how to tackle! Jarrod Croker and Sam Williams are not renowned for their defensive skills, so donking them both on the same side of the field as Souths’ best attacking players probably wasn’t the best strategy of all time. Yes, Dave Taylor is a juggernaut, and yes, Greg Inglis should be injured by this part of the season, but occasionally you have to do things in your job that you don’t like. For some, it’s filing. For others, it’s getting in the way of 120kg monsters. If you don’t like it, I’ll swap you for the Pinsky file.
To plug the hole in defence this week, coach Dave Everyone hates me Furner has dropped Sam Williams and brought fullback Josh Dugan into the five-eighth position. I hope he has a Plan B, because when Dugan gets stretchered off with injury halfway through the first half, that defensive hole will reappear.
As much as I love them, I cannot pick the Raiders this week. Sorry lads. At least you're playing at Canberra Stadium, so no one will be there to see you lose.
Why I don't play footy #4: I don't like smelling Mick Crocker's farts