Friday, April 06, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 6: Our new favourite game

Sportsfans, welcome to Round 6. If you're not a sportsfan, you're probably wondering how you got here, but you're still welcome to Round 6 as well. Just not as much as everyone else. You probably know how it works, and you're probably used to being ostrasiced. You can just sit there and complain about everything like usual.

I honestly haven't been sober enough to really bother following the NRL news this week, so I'm just going to go on a hunch and say that a few players have been caught with drugs, some have been caught with prostitutes, some have been caught drink-driving, some have been caught placing dodgy bets, some have been caught urinating in public and some have been caught in the gully during a beach cricket session following a massive night at the pub.

With all of my investigative journalistic skills tapped (aka not watching the news because Neighbours is on at the same time), I will instead treat the world (aka my readers; yes, both of you) to the following game:

What did Todd do this week?

That's right, it's time to catch up with everyone's favourite dickwhacker, Mr Todd Carney.

This week, Toddles went out into the safety of the press to announce his happiness at being 'treated like a human' at the Cronulla Sharks. Since Todd is about 73% human, this does make sense; there's no use treating him like the 27% squinty-eyed-fuckwit that makes up the rest of him. This is a democracy after all... until I take power, then it's going to be some kind of republic. And no, I don't entirely know what that entails, except that I get to wear a crown and a robe, and look a lot like He-Man's dad.

Welcome to Week 6 of Toddy being in a new club. The story smacks of a similar *coughcoughIDENTICALcoughcough* interview from 2010 while he was faffing about at the Roosters and annoying everyone. Well done for not getting pissed, peeing on someone, beating them up, driving to a mobile phone shop and breaking into it at 3am for another six weeks, Todd. Here's a fucking Dally M medal.

I am giving it a good eight months before Cronulla do what NRL teams do best: get the fuck rid of Todd Carney. There's only so much waking up feeling like P-Diddy, who wakes up feeling like Ke$ha who feels like Charlie Sheen, who feels like Lindsay Lohan, who feels like Todd Carney that anyone can take.

Round 6 tips:

Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Newcastle Knights vs Parramatta Eels

Gold Coast Titans vs Sydney Roosters

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Melbourne Storm

Game of the Round:

Canberra Raiders vs New Zealand Warriors

Ugh. Canberra. Why do you do this to me? Why why why why why? Round 6 sees the two most unpredictable teams take battle - the mighty woo woo fuckyeah Canberra motherfucking Raiders y'all and the Warriors. Both looked absofuckinglutely afuckingtrocious last week and each team should be taken out into the back yard and shot. I will even volunteer my back yard (I don't have one, but you can totally use my kitchen). Despite the fact that each Raiders player seems to be suffering from osteoporosis and can't look sideways without snapping some kind of bone, I'm going with the Raiders on this one, for the simple reason that you have to tip someone.

I'm totally famous for correcting Mat Rogers on how to spell 'ridiculous.' My next mission is to teach him how to spell 'yeah.'

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