Friday, June 11, 2010

Won’t Somebody Not Think Of The Children?

Children are the future

I know that children are the future. According to Whitney Houston, if we teach them well, we can let them lead the way.

Fuck that in the ear. Whitney Houston taught us one thing: Crack isn’t as awesome as we first thought.

Every fucking idiot in the world apparently needs to worry about how everything they do, say or touch is “going to affect the children.” Even the foodstuffs that grace the supermarket shelves give me ‘helpful’ information about how eating it will benefit my growing bones and provide me with the energy I need to get through a busy day at school. I am fairly certain at 30 years of age (31 this year, that’s a bit fucking scary), my bones have done all the growing they’re going to do. I’ll start shrinking before I grow any more, but thanks for the help, Sultana Bran. And if I get enough energy to get me through a highly stressful day at school, I think I’d die. School these days is about wagging off maths to smoke in the toilets, Facebooking your way through history class, texting your mates at lunch and spitting and swearing at your teachers the rest of the time.

Don't adults get a look in at anything anymore? Can't we eat something just for the sake of eating it without having to wonder how it is going to help lower my cholesterol or keep me regular? Is that what life has come to for me -worrying about how often I should be taking a crap? At what point did I stop trying to get seventy million different vitamins from a bowl of cereal to get me through a hectic day of sitting around a classroom to needing eighteen tonnes of fibre so I can take a massive dump while thinking about eating a different brand of butter so my heart can cope with the stress of sitting around an office cubicle?

Even worse news for those celebrities amongst us - and anyone can be a celeb these days - you have to watch yourself every fucking second of every fucking day. Whatever you do, don’t get caught having a beer at your local pub – there are kids who look up to you, fucko! Are you trying to turn them into alcoholics?! Don’t you know that kids will do EVERYTHING they see their idols do? Ignore the fact that their idols are probably rich, dumb sluts who got a reality TV show by releasing a sex tape of them and a shit rapper that no one's ever heard of. Everyone needs a role model.

Whether you won Big Brother eight years ago, just got back from a Sumo-wrestler-bench-pressing competition or are in training for a beer-drinking tournament, these kids are looking up to you and you are not allowed to shatter their tiny dreams of how fucking perfect you and the world is.

Because it is. Just ask Whitney.

Just ask her

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