Thank fuck the Aussies have been bundled out of the Soccer World Cup. I am a proud Australian, but watching the Socceroos faff around the pitch with the heavyweights is just a bit embarrassing. I know they performed better than expected in the 2006 World Cup, but that’s a bit like saying that the Jamaican bobsled team did well at the Winter Olympics and are a shoe-in for gold in the next ones. Sometimes turning up really isn’t that much of an achievement. Just ask the Cowboys.
See that awesome segue from soccer to bobsledding to rugby league? Yes, I am that good.
Dragons vs Tigers
I am still wondering why Saints five-eighth Jamie Soward still hasn’t been mentioned for the NSW #6 jumper. The Saints are smashing everyone, Soward can pass and kick and occasionally make a tackle. He’s the quickest player in the league over 40 metres and has a name that lends itself to a nice “Sweet and Soward” banner. He must have really pissed off the selectors though, as they are looking at dragging Brett Kenny out of retirement from 1985, or digging up Don Bradman to inspire the troops. Personally, I’d have a look at the man who will lead the red’n’whites to a crushing victory. Yes, I got there in the end.
Eels vs Broncos
I think everyone can agree now that Jarryd Hayne sucks. Yes? Good. Broncos to win by a dozen.
Cowboys vs Sharks
In classic Soccer World Cup tradition, this could very well end up nil-all, as neither of these teams have it in them to score a fucking point. But I reckon the Sharkies will sneak home on the back of a Trent Barrett header.
Rabbitohs vs Storm
The Storm have got nothing to play for… except their millions of dollars and supermodel girlfriends. That should inspire them to win. Fuck, it would probably inspire me.
Roosters vs Warriors
This is a tricky one to pick; it’s a home game for the Sydney Roosters, yet it is being played in New Zealand, which is the traditional home of the New Zealand Warriors, and far from the sun-drenched beaches and coke-smeared hookers of Bondi that the Roosters are used to. Seeing has the Roosters have more Kiwis than the Warriors anyway, I’m going to tip them. PS. Every time I tried to type ‘Warriors’ in this post, I typed ‘Warrirors’. It was really annoying.
Titans vs Knights
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Knights. This game gets my “Mister Evil Breakfast Award For The Game Of The Round That I Care Least About” (MEBAFTGOTRTICLA) and as such I will just say that I hate Kurt Gidley like I hate all venereal diseases, and Matt Rogers is a dick. Titans to win.
Canberra vs Canterbury
The Raiders are Monday night football specialists, especially at home, and even moreso against their arch rivals (from 1994), the Bulldogs. The Doggies are just a really bad football team, regardless of the day, place or opponent. With old man Kimmorley doing whatever the hell he’s doing to keep Canterbury securely stapled to the bottom of the ladder, this will be an easy 2 points for the mighty fucking Raiders.
Everybody tips, sometimes…