Tuesday, March 31, 2009

now who's laughing?

Like most things in life, April Fool's Day is something that sounds way more awesome than it actually is. In the past, by the time I've realised that it is April 1st, I've already left work and gone home, and just couldn't be fucked annoying anyone right now. And if someone actually ever "punked" me by taking the wheels off my car or putting pubes in my coffee mug or something, all I'd want to do is beat them with a stick or a chainsaw.

But the very notion of April Fool's Day is awesome. It's the one day of the year that you're granted a "get out of jail free" card. I say use it wisely... don't waste it on leaving your friend a message to call "Mr Lyon" and give them the number for the zoo. If you want to annoy them with a large, savage cat, steal one and starve it for a while then leave it in their bedroom. Be an arse. Arrange to meet your friend at the cinema at 8:00pm and then call them at 11:00pm and tell them that you were only joking. You could get away with a lot, in the spirit of April Fool's Day, which has somehow gone from a change of religious views to cutting your best mate's brake wire.

This year, I'm joining the cause.

Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide to April Fool's Day in the Form of a Diary (MEBGTAFDITFOAD)

April 1
Poison friend's breakfast. This could be a dicey one, as the victim might die before I can safely point out that it's just a prank. A good alternative is to put tiny sharp pieces of metal in their cereal, and I could just watch them run around til they squirt blood.

9:00am: Prop a bucket of sulphuric acid inside manager's office so it falls on them when they open the door. Then watch as they run around, slowly dissolving.

10:30am: Meeting with George from Sales Department.

10:35am: Kill George.

10:40am: Coffee.

11:00am: Hide parts of George's body in work fridge next to everyone's lunch; label limbs with supervisor's name. Put anonymous call through to police.

11:30am: Apply for recently vacated position in Sales Department.

12:30pm: Lunch (Subway?)

12:45pm: Find someone who sponsors an African child. Take a small, starving kid to their door and inform them that the Save The Children charity has gone into liquidation and the kid is now their legal property. Also, see if they have any good CDs that I could borrow.

12:55pm: Empty cistern of work toilet. Very carefully pour a combination of nitric acid and glycerine into it. This should remain relatively stable until someone flushes, at which point a large explosion will of course ensue.

1:00pm: Emergency evacuation of work building.

3:00pm: Take a flesh-eating insect (a scarab bug springs to mind) and put it in workmate's ear when they're not paying attention. Sit back and laugh while they go insane and try to rip their own face off to stop the creature that's now devouring their brain. April Fool!

5:00pm: Take the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner, hold it over someone's eye socket and turn it on. They will now have the tedious task of retrieving their eyeball from the vacuum bag, which will be covered in hair and dust, making it pretty useless.

5:30pm: Shops (bread, cheese-spread, beef jerky, Iced Vovos).

5:45pm: Break into next door neighbour's house and get rid of his computer and tv and washing machine and everything electrical. Hang an 1874 calendar on his wall and spread around some "Wanted" posters & really old copies of Cosmo so when he comes home he'll think that he has travelled backwards through time. Wearing cowboy boots and a hat, knock on the door (don't forget to say "Pard'ner") and explain that it's 1874 and his wife, family and friends from 2009 haven't even been born yet, and his expertise in computer engineering is absolutely useless. Upon hearing this, he should run to the nearest window and jump, but I may need to give him a little push just in case.

6:30pm: Dinner (and Neighbours)

7:15pm: Wash clothes.

8:00pm: Hang out clothes.

8:10pm: Get some help to dig up my friend's house from its foundations, then drive away with it. Note: Make sure friend is chasing the house when it's driven over the edge of a cliff. Then run up to them and yell "April Fool's!"

9:00pm: Return DVDs to Blockbuster.

9:15pm: Exhume the body of a friend's deceased relative, and hang it outside their bedroom window. Note: this can be especially hard if the body is particularly rotten, so nail-gunning parts of the body together might be a wise solution.

10:00pm: Give friend a lot of sleeping pills, but not enough to kill them. When they are in a deep sleep, get a chainsaw, cut off both their hands and ears, swap them and sew them back on before all the blood drains out - laying down newspaper beforehand is probably a good idea. When they come to, I will yell, "Talk to the hand!" at them. This should be funny for the rest of their life.

10:40pm: Tail someone whilst driving and start shooting at them. Note: Aim for the tyres as they turn, which should cause the car to flip. This will total their vehicle and seriously injure the driver, allowing me to end the chase and explain (before they lose consciousness/die) that it's just an April Fool's joke.

11:00pm: Break into friend's house (note: wear soft shoes). Pour a generous line of petrol around their bed while they're sleeping, then light it and stand well back. Set their alarm clock for 11:15 just in case the noise of their house burning down doesn't wake them.

11:30pm: Letterman (+ cup of tea and Iced Vovos)

1 comment:

April said...

I hate to be a party pooper, but the 'get out of jail free' magic of April Fools only works until midday, after which time the fool is on you. So you will have to reschedule all of your afternoon appointments for the morning, and perhaps save applying for the Sales position until after lunch. Which is probably not such a bad idea, give them a little more time to clean up the blood.