Wednesday, March 11, 2009

north east west south


Dum dum dum dum doo doo dum di dooooo...

Good evening, I am Mister Evil Breakfast with shit news that's pissed me off recently. If I'm feeling motivated (I'm not), I'll do a complete news wrap including sport, weather and finance in a future post... but don't bet your lucky goat on there being anything of the sort.

Onto tonight's top headlines (as the inventor of the corduroy pillow once said):

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25063982-1242,00.html
This is the touching story of a kid who is suing the parents of his mate because he fell out of a bunk-bed at a sleepover. Since the fall, the 14-year old boy has apparently become "withdrawn" and suffers "mood swings." I dare say that he's also got "pubes," and he "jerks off" a lot. Sorry tiger, but just because you're becoming an angry little 14-year old adolescent emo, it doesn't mean you can sue. Get yourself some Clearasil and strap yourself in.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24891359-421,00.html
If this isn't the stupidest story to hit the world in about 10 years, then I hope Freddie Prinze Jr moves in next door to me and keeps inviting himself around to my place and mooches all my beer.

For those too lazy to click the link, here's the dealio with this story... PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) want to change the word "fish" to "sea kitten" so people will stop catching fish for food and sport. "Nobody would hurt a sea kitten!" the group says on its website. PETA is using the campaign to entice people to sign a petition calling on the US Fish and Wildlife Service to stop promoting "the hunting of sea kittens." Hunting of sea kitting is currently otherwise known as 'fishing.'

A rose by any other name, my friends... But seriously, what's next? Are we going to change 'beer' to 'Stumble Juice'? 'Water' could be renamed 'Liquid Air' ("It's both wet and important!") or 'Sober Fuel?' I've always liked the term 'Boom Stick' for a gun, too.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,504125,00.html
This one's about an idiot who rang emergency 911 three times to complain that McDonalds had run out of McNuggets. I probably could have understood this woman's actions if she called 911 when she still had two nuggets in her pack but had run out of sauce. The Maccas people don't just hand out extra packets of Sweet n Sour, you know; that shit will cost you. And no-one likes a dry nugget.

Anyway, this chicken-nugget-crazy woman was charged with the misuse of an emergency hotline. More importantly, she was given a McDonalds voucher for a free meal. Fuck that. Sometimes being normal and not getting charged with annoying everyone from the person working the Maccas shift for $4 an hour, the dispatcher on the 911 switch and at least three cops who no doubt had better shit to do that night than worry about who's cooking up an extra nugget for a window-licker, just won't get you a free meal.

And that wraps up tonight's top stories, brought to you by Brain Wash - "when regular shampoo just doesn't cut it" - join me after the break where you can watch me drink a beer and yell at Shane Watson.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That bunk-bed guy is a fuck knuckle.