Friday, March 13, 2009

Mister Evil Tipfast - Round 1 2009

Strangely, the Danny Buderus action figure wasn't a hot Christmas item last year

After the traditional launch of the NRL season (two rape allegations, three counts of drunken violence and four blokes ripping up contracts to play for another code), welcome to the first round of 2009!

I'm not going to lie to you; I haven't really seen much of the pre-season form of any of these teams, and I could only endure about an hour of The Footy Show last night, so for the first couple of rounds I'll be tipping on the strength of the team from 2008, or the last year that I choose to remember (which is always going to be 1994).

My tipping form has been great lately. During the second cricket test betwixt Aus and South Africa, Ponting played a stupid shot against Harris and was almost caught. I picked that he'd try and play the shot again two balls later and would be caught. Turns out it was one ball later. Good work Ponting, you dickhead. I also picked that someone would get out LBW, but they didn't. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that, it's not really backing up my 'my tipping form has been great lately’ comment, is it?

Bien venue de round un...

Storm vs Dragons

I still hate the Dragons. I don't even know who's in their team this year, but I'm assuming someone will step into the salary-cap-overloaded space left by Spazznier Gasnier to strap the boots on for one contractual game before he gets injured. Wendell Sailor, I'm looking at you. The turning point of this game should be just before kick-off when Dell feels a twinge in his entire body and gets stretchered off. I don't know much about the Storm except for their capitulation at last year's grand final (40-0), but I reckon Inglis (if he's still around) will score 70 length-of-the-field tries and a field goal from 94 metres out for a personal tally of 281 points for the game. If he's not around, then Billy Slater will score three and drop four. Melbourne will win, either way you look at it.

Broncos vs Cowboys

People are talking the Cowboys up this year... why or how I do not know; they came last to daylight last year. I think (don't quote me) that they recruited the old Canberra Raiders coach... I'm not entirely sure how this could possibly be seen as a good thing, but well done to Neil Henry on getting another job in these recessionary times. Broncos have always been pretty good, and I don't see that changing for a while - especially while they pilfer from other junior clubs. Broncos by a few, but probably not as many as they should get up by.

Warriors vs Eels

I'm sick of picking the Eels for greatness and having them fall over like a three-legged goat on a treadmill. Stupid Eels. I do like the fact that even though all their players are pushing 90 years old, they're sticking with them just out of respect. Whether their strategy of looking to the past instead of the future will pay off should shape up as one of the most intriguing aspects of the season. The Warriors... well... they're always solid without being spectacular. Solid will win this stouche though, and NZ should canter it in.

Bulldogs vs Manly

What an excellent idea to have these two clubs face off for Round 1. It's a nice way for everyone to forget the trials and tribulations of the past few months and just have a good old fashioned fight. The Bulldogs are shit, probably because they're (a) [allegedly] drunk, (b) [allegedly] tired from having sex with [allegedly] unwilling women, (c) in jail. Manly should win this one pretty easily, but won't make any new friends in doing so. I just hope they all go out for a friendly drink afterwards.

Sharks vs Panthers

I'm pretty sure that both of these teams were mediocre last year, so this will be a hard one to pick (as Michael Jackson said to his nose... I don't know why Michael Jackson would talk to his nose, but then again, there's a lot about MJ that I don't know - or particularly want to - including why he would want to be friends with Macauley Culkin). Ummmmmm. Go Sharks. I think.

Titans vs Knights

Ooooh the clash of the Titans... and the Knights... The Knights are still rebuilding (and finding another dealer) after the loss of Joey Johns, and the Titans are still wondering why Matt Rogers is still in the team (just quietly, I reckon Rogers looks like the kind of guy ‘who could get you a few things,’ if you know what I mean). Dodgy, greasy Matt Rogers. I'd love the Knights to get up, but I'm not saying it with any degree of confidence; I am saying it a little ambiguously to be honest, while I rub my eye and have a bit of a yawn.

Roosters vs Rabbitohs

BOO ROOSTERS! I've never liked them in any way, shape or form. The Rooters pretty much embody the whole NRL - when it's good, it's fucking brilliant. When it's not, it's a motherfucking train wreck. Here's hoping that those poncy wankers from Bondi (I'm talking about the Roosters, not just everyone else in Bondi) are derailed. The Bunnies were probably all buoyed by Rusty "Russell Crowe" Crowe's stirring appearance on The Footy Show last night. I really hope Rusty was as hungover as seventeen pandas in Tijuana, otherwise I have no idea how he gets through life without being punched in the face for being so monotonously boring. However, my brother had a drink and a smoke with him and said he was tops, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Bunnies by 10. No, 6. Possibly even 4.

Tigers vs Raiders

Will anyone stop the mighty Canberra bloody Raiders this year? I don't think so, and our first job (like how I just slotted myself into the team? Yeah, me too) will be to run over the top of the Tiges like a tank on a tomato. With glory boy Benji Marsh talking smack about his fitness and strength, it will be even more humiliating when he's snapped in half (literally) by Phil Graham, who will then snap himself in half on his own accord. But on the strength of captain Alan Tongue, new coach Dave Furner and the fact that Todd Carney is as far away as he could possibly be without being in another country, the green machine will romp home in this game with an air of nonchalance and just a smidge of disdain for their opponents. Raiders by at least 1.

Get busy tipping, or get busy sipping.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...