Monday, June 23, 2008

a winter wonderland

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Winter has begun. Actually, it's about three weeks old now. Brr. Winter is a Czech word meaning "it's a bit cold outside, so take a jacket or you'll catch a chill." Those Czechs have a word for everything. Except for 'sausage roll'. You can't get a sausage roll in Czechoslovakia. True story.

So with Winter upon us, it's high time for


First and foremost, pop on the heater. Don't worry about the hippies who will be sitting outside your house claiming that you're poisoning the earth with your carbon footprint - they're cold and you're warm. Cutting your toes off and buying smaller shoes will NOT reduce your carbon footprint, by the way. I fucked up there, big time. Also, the more people who bring forth this global warming phenomenon, the better it will be for everyone; we'll need less heaters. If you don't own a heater, try lighting a fire. Fire is man's greatest discovery (well, it's up there with cricket, beer and fire engines), and they're really pretty to watch.

Let your jumpers and jackets become your best friends over Winter. Little known fact: If a jumper is special to you, it must be called a 'jumpie'. If it gets really cold, keep adding layers of clothing. Eventually, you will find yourself looking like the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, and you can wander around your house pretending to be him. If you have people over, tell them what you're doing beforehand, cause the chances of them picking it are slim to none.

Upon waking, you will find your windscreen has frozen over, and you are unable to see through it whilst driving. This is easily remedied - guesstimate where the road is and drive with your hand on the horn until you think you've arrived at your destination. People WILL get out of your way.

You may find yourself with more 'Winter-ish' drinks in your hand as your consumption of spirits increases during the cold months. Also, don't be surprised when you look down and see that you've ordered a Baileys Irish Cream. Just don't forget about your beer, and things will be ok. Everyone gets a limit of 3 "It's Too Cold For Beer" cards (not redeemable for cash, void after 31st August).

A lot of jobs become optional during the harsh Winter months. Chucking sickies is awesome, and no-one will blame you or ask questions. If people start to get suspicious, make sure you leave a packet of Limsip or Cold n Flu tablets in plain view on your desk.

Sometimes, you may even find yourself chucking a legitimate sickie. The best form of treatment is to lie on the couch with a doona, a pack of Tim Tams and some coffee. Oh, and chicken soup. But don't be afraid to order the occasional pizza or head out to Subway - you still need your jalapeƱos.

Your body will react naturally to a change in temperature. If you grow extra body hair, don't be alarmed. It's quite normal - for werewolves. I'd avoid silver bullets and Hugh Jackman. On the plus side, you will become good at basketball (and to a lesser degree, boxing). More likely, you will just get hard nipples more often; no-one really knows why. You can't really do much about it (don't try and protect them with band-aids, you'll rip your tits off), so I say embrace them. Hang things from your erect nipples; earrings and tassels are always fun. Or you could liven up a party by attaching some Roman Candles and Catherine Wheels to them. Be the popular guy at work and use them to carry doughnuts around. Or volunteer in Beijing and have Olympic gymnasts swinging around on them. If you've never had someone 'skin the cat' on your nips, you haven't lived.

For those with a green thumb, it's time for the natural skin colour to return. Winter will kill everything, and your garden is now officially fucked.

Aaah Winter - a time for warm embraces and Dutch ovens.

Will take over the world. Fucking watch them.


Anonymous said...

fucking penguins! they're everywhere......look's killing me!

Anonymous said...

Yes, skin that fucking cat.