Thursday, June 12, 2008

i before e except after c but not all the time

http://education.guardian.co.uk/schools/story/0,,2284503,00.html

If you're too lazy to click that link, don't worry, I'll be a good kid and summarise it for you. Some arse-hat in the UK has decided that words are too hard to spell for the tykes that live there.

Yep. The English language. Too hard for English kids.

This particular arse-hat is an ex-English teacher and the author of a book entitled "Understanding English Spelling". Kind of defeats the purpose of the book if you have the opinion that it's just too hard, doesn't it? A better title would be "Shit That's Too Hard, Volume I: The English Language". Oh how I would have loved to have been in Ms Arse-hat's English class.
"Ok, let's open our books to page... oh fuck it, who cares what happens to Ishmael? Let's go dance around the Maypole and eat kippers!"
"But Miss, I'd like to read..."
"Poppycock, here's a lighter, make sure you burn all the pages. Let's get drunk and watch Eastenders!"

And yeah, people will be all like, "But Mister Evil Breakfast, words change all the time! People in England used to talk all weird like!!!!"

This is true. But the English language of yore evolved due to peeps becoming more educated, not the other way round. Welcome to the wonderful world of schools, internet, books and cheese, which were relatively rare back in the 1600s. Shakespeare didn't even have broadband. Can you imagine that? The mind boggles as to how Romeo and Juliet would have gone if Romeo's ISP didn't keep fucking out.

Julietgrrl> Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Julietgrrl> Romeo?
Julietgrrl> i cnt beliv u. get a real fckin connection lol
Romeo16> soz my cuz is dling tf n its fuckin wit my ping lol.
Julietgrrl> lol yeh tf man dat flik wuz da bets
Julietgrrl> lol best
Romeo16> yeh lol

Arse-hat UK teacher and failed author claims that English is 'just too hard'. You know what else is hard? Maths. Maths is fucking hard. Farming is hard. That farm work has a close fucking resemblance to hard work. Eating a hot meat pie that's still frozen in the middle is hard. Patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time? Hard work. My crowbar? Pretty fucking hard too, which you'll come to realise all too late. But you'll find that with a bit of time, practice and patience, you can become good at maths, realise that farming is important, eating pies is awesome, patting your head and rubbing your stomach is satisfying and my crowbar might not find your face.

If people stopped doing shit that was too hard, the English cricket team wouldn't exist, there'd be no Sydney Harbour Bridge, no-one would know how to defeat M.Bison in Street Fighter 2 and Harry Potter wouldn't have married Ginny Weasley. If you haven't read the last Harry Potter book yet, don't read that sentence.

For those who couldn't quite make it through this rant because of all the big words, I've translated it for you:

if ur 2 lzy 2 click da lnk dont wry ill b a gd kid n summrise it 4 u. sum arse-hat in da uk hs dcided dat wrds r 2 hrd 2 spel 4 da tykes dat liv their.

yup. da eng lang. 2 hrd 4 eng kids.

dis particlr arse-hat iz a x-eng teech n da authr of a book calld 'understnding eng speling'. kind of dfeets purpse of book if u hav a opinion dat its jst 2 hrd, dusnt it? a btr title wud b 'shit dats 2 hrd, vol1: da eng lang". o how i wud hav luvd 2 b in ms arse-hats eng class.
'k lets open books 2 pg... o fuck it, who cares wot hppns 2 sum guy? lets go dance round da maypole n eat kipprs lol.'
'bt ms, id like 2 read...'
'nah heres a liter, mk sure u burn al da pages. lets get drnk n watch eastenders lol.'

n yeh peeps wil b al like 'Bt Mista Evl Brekfst, wrds chng al da time! Ppl in eng usd 2 tlk al wird lk!! LOL!!!!'

dis is tru bt da eng lang of ur evlvd dew 2 ppl bcumng mo eductd nt da otha wy round wlcm 2 da wundaful wrld of schls net bks n chese wich wr rl8ivly rar bak in da 1600s. shakes dint hav bband cn u imagin dat da mnd boggls as 2 how romz n julz wud hav gon if romz isp dint kp fking out.

Julietgrrl> Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Julietgrrl> Romeo?
Julietgrrl> Oh dear, this is terrible. Your internet connection appears to be in Struggletown.
Romeo16> I do apologise, but my cousin is downloading Transformers which is causing my computer to run at a slower rate than is usual.
Julietgrrl> Transformers? I quite enjoyed that movie.
Romeo16> I thought it sucked.

arsehat uk teech n fald auth sez dat eng iz 'jus 2 hrd lol.' u no wot els is hrd?
maths. maths is fckin hrd. farm is hrd. dat farm wrk hs a close resblance 2 hrd wrk. eating ht meet pie dats still frzn in da mid is hrd. pat ur hed n rub yr tum at da same time? hrd wrk. my cro br? prity fckin hrd 2 witch ull cum 2 realis al 2 l8. bt ull fnd dat wiv a bit mo time prac n patients u cn bcum gd @ mths realis dat frming is imp eatn pis is awsum pat ur hed n rub ur tum is satsfng n my cro br mite nt find ur face.

if peeps stop doin shit dat wuz 2 hrd da eng crick teem wudnt exist theird b no syd brdge no1 wud no how to beat bison in sf2 n harry potter wudnt hav marry gin weasly. if u havnt red da lst harry dnt red da sentence.

LOL.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good work Mister Evil Breakfast. I think that numbnuts like Mr. Arse-hat should be exposed. Fuck I hate Internet spelling.

Sincerely,

Mr. Kraut