Ricky Ponting (captain), Adam Gilchrist (vice-captain), Nathan Bracken, Michael Clarke, Brad Haddin, Matthew Hayden, Brad Hodge, Brad Hogg, Michael Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Brett Lee, Glenn McGrath, Andrew Symonds, Shaun Tait, Shane Watson.
There’s the list of champions who will take us to dizzying heights in the Caribbean whenever the World Cup starts. Right.
Here’s what I reckon:
Ricky “Chipmunk” Ponting: This guy spits on his hands way too often. Like, between every ball. In a one-day game, this is 300 times. In a test match, it could be thousands. That’s just gross. Chipmunk can bat ok, (walks into his shots early in his innings though) can field pretty well and has no idea what to do when his bowlers are being carted around the ground. I can’t wait for him to break down in tears at a press conference like Kim Hughes did.
Adam “Gilly” Gilchrist: Gilly is my hero, no question about it. Pity the man has lost all knowledge of the art of batting. Here’s a tip to all bowlers up against him in the World Cup: Pitch it full, and he’ll get out. If England worked that out, anyone can. His keeping has been ok, but isn’t setting the world on fire. With Brad “The Rat” Haddin sneaking up behind him, he really needs back in form, or he’ll lose my hero worship, which is a devastating blow. Just ask Scott Muller.
Nathan “Andrew G” Bracken: I like this guy. No nonsense, no personality, lots of hair. The hair-band is a bit off-putting, but is worth at least a wicket every match. Swings both bat and ball a bit, and is left-handed. I hate left-handed bowlers. They probably get me out more than right-handed ones, which is a feat in itself.
Michael “Pup” Clarke: Pup is gay. Seriously. He wears skivvies all the time. Or maybe he’s a Wiggle. Who knows? (or cares) Pup used to have my vote as “next captain of Australia” but has since become one of the worst players ever. Best thing he ever did was get his ugly mug onto an inflatable KFC fielder so he’ll be immortalised that way. Get some runs, homo.
Brad “The Rat” Haddin: This guy is pushing for Gilly’s spot, so I hate him. Is probably a better wicketkeeper and batsman than him, but that’s irrelevant. BOO RAT, BOO.
Matthew “Fucking” Hayden: AAARGH is this guy STILL around? For fuck’s sake, Hayden, just go away. Watch him spank around Bangladesh and Canada in the Cup, and then get sorted out by everyone else. He’ll be like your weird cousin on a road trip – he’s there, but no-one’s sure why.
Brad “Brad Hodge” Hodge: Eh. I have no opinion on this guy. Is probably quite good, but then, considering the rest of the squad, this doesn’t mean much. Good luck, Brad Hodge.
Brad “George” Hogg: Well, apparently we need a spinner, and apparently this guy is as good as they get. I guess we gave up looking for a good spinner once Warney came onto the scene. George has a decent googly, and his wrong’un is pretty good too (hahaha smutty cricket innuendoes). Everything else he bowls is rubbish though.
Michael “Mr Cricket” Hussey: The greatest human being ever. Except he went pretty crap in the matches against England and New Zealand. Needs to wear more zinc to really bring out his cricketing prowess. Rumour has it that he stole Pharlap’s heart from the Melbourne Museum (or wherever it is) and had it transplanted into himself. I don’t doubt this, nor that he performed the operation himself with no anaesthetic, surgical tools or while he was on the Scooby Doo Spooky Coaster at MovieWorld.
Mitchell “Who?” Johnson: Hmm. This guy has some pace behind him, yes yes yes yes yes but we’ve also got Brett Lee and Shaun Tait, both of whom are probably faster and just as useless as Mitchell. His name is kind of like the secret identity of a superhero too, but that doesn’t mean we should pick him. I would have left him behind and taken Stuart Clark, personally. At least that way you’d know someone was going to land the ball on the pitch.
Brett “Bollywood” Lee: The only thing more embarrassing than Lee’s Bollywood performance is his bowling. When his short ball is hit for four, Brett decides the best way to go about things is to make each ball thereafter about a metre shorter. By the end of the over, he’s pitching them on his big toe. Will play in most games and get spanked all over the place, but still get picked because he is ‘the face of cricket’. At least he’s not Matthew Hoggard.
Glenn “Pigeon” McGrath: Nothing in the world is better than watching McGrath when he’s in his rhythm. That’s a big fat lie, there are a lot of things better. But Pigeon is still the best fast bowler we’ve got, despite the fact that he’s 400 years old and bowls slightly slower than he can run. Can’t field too well, and his catching has always been pretty bad, surpassed only by his terrible batting. Glenn deserves to be recognised as one of Australia’s best. Also, his name lends itself to a catchy chant, so he has to be there.
Andy “Andrew” Symonds: My god. The worst thing about this guy is that he’s quite, quite good at cricket. In the same way that Beefy Botham was, I suppose. With his stupid dreadlocks and tub of zinc cream on his lips, he’s just asking to be hated. Grrr. I hate him. I don’t know why. In any case, the guy has one arm, but is still worth having in the team. Here’s hoping he gets to do some more commentary. Rock on, Andy, you dickhead.
Shaun “Mr Personality” Tait: Tait was my bolter for the Ashes last year, and by God I was right. Pity he was crap. But the selectors love him and so do I. Young and fast, so the kids love him, and with an already failing back, so the selectors love him. You can't possibly pick anyone who is 100% healthy. If he fucks up, this might be the last we see of him. When he gets the ball on the pitch, can be quite dangerous, but this occurs so rarely that most batsmen don’t really worry too much about him. My tip – he’ll maim at least one member of the Netherlands team.
Shane “What the fuck?” Watson: Why is this guy here? HE CANNOT PLAY CRICKET. Here’s a tip to bowlers over the world: Bowl it on the pitch. Watto will do the rest to get himself out. And his bowling? Well, if straight is your thing, he’s your man. Without any variety, bounce, pace, swing or seam, Watson is unlikely to trouble too many players on the tour, unless he attempts conversation with them, as he seems as boring off the pitch as he does on. I can’t wait to see this guy fail. He must be the secret love child of one of the selectors; that’s the only reason I can think of for his inclusion. He also reminds me of the fucking dickwit who won Big Brother last year. Fuck I hate that guy as well. If Watson was any kind of Australian, he’d give the spot to someone else. Like me, for instance. I wouldn’t mind a trip to the Caribbean to drink rum and work on my tan, mon.
Now I’m just angry. Thanks a lot, Watson. It’s bad enough that you’re in the squad at all, but to have you last in alphabetical order just gets my goat. GOD YOU’RE ANNOYING.