Job application - housekeeper for Will and Kate

So Prince “Duke” William and Kate “Duchess” Middleton are all married and pregnant with the future King of Whales or something, and because they are super busy people doing super busy people things like receiving gifts and posing for portraits, they require a bit of additional help for when the baby arrives.  “Arrives” is possibly the strangest word to use in the context of giving birth – I think an “arrival” should indicate a long journey, and let’s be honest – it’s just not that much of a hike to go from belly to jutz.  Although I guess “arrival” is a bit of a better way of saying “from belly to jutz” when the baby comes out of Kate Middleton’s vagina.

In any case, since I am all about helping people, I figure I can lend my expertise to the plight of the Royal Family. 

__

Dear The Queen

I am writing to apply to the position of housekeeper as advertised on Yahoo! News the other day.  I have had great experience in doing none of the tasks that you have identified as being key duties of the role, and believe my CV will speak for itself.  Especially since my CV is a specially-trained parrot who repeats my job experience ad nauseum.  Please feed it and send it back to me once it has said its piece.  Also, please note that the parrot swears like a sailor (like, a swearing sailor, not one of those mincing dickheads that you probably mix with while you’re yachting about with Elton John, getting sauced on Pimms) and will bite you if you put your fingers too close to his beak.  Also, he gets a bit ‘friendly’ after a couple of drinks. 

Your advertisement recommends that suitable candidates for the role will “provide a high standard of housekeeping for TRH [their royal highnesses] The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge."  My first appointment will just be to call them Prince and Princess, because it’s less confusing for everyone.  I am also not going to use the acronym TRH, because it’s a massive wank and I’ve already forgotten what it stands for.  With the implementation of changing them to Prince and Princess, I am going to use the acronym P&P instead.  It’s a bit catchier.

"Main duties include: ensuring all areas of the residence are cleaned and maintained to a high standard at all times…”. “

I might not clean ALL areas of residence either, because if there’s no one using all 900 bedrooms in their house, then it just doesn’t really matter, right?  And there’s something healthy about living in a place with a few germs; it’ll toughen the baby’s immune system right up.  William looks like he’d fall apart if he got a sniffle – is that what you want in your great-grandchild, Mrs Queen?  I didn’t think so.  Also, I want a robot vacuum cleaner thing.  That will make my “cleaning” job a whole lot easier. 

“Caring for and maintaining TRH ­personal clothing…”  

Caring for and maintaining clothes?  You mean “chucking them in the cupboard when they’re not being worn” and “fixing holes in shit”?  Yeah, I’m not going to lie to you here, The Queen; you guys aren’t short of coin, so if Wills rips his stockings, I’ll just duck down to K-Mart and grab some new ones for him.  Also, I think it would be best if I get to pick what the P&P get to wear on any particular day.  That’s a piece of piss; Will gets a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Kate gets some Daisy Duke shorts and a bikini.  For “important” functions where we all get a bit pissed on expensive champagne and meet other “important” people from different countries, Will can wear a sports jacket and pretend he’s an internet entrepreneur billionaire, and Kate can wear the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was Jabba the Hutt’s slave.  You know the one. 

“…cleaning silver-ware and glassware…”

I am proficient at cleaning glassware, due to my 14 years of experience at a glassware cleaning company.  I’m kidding, I really doubt one exists, basically because people aren’t retarded and can clean glasses themselves, either using the old-fashioned Dishlex dishwasher, or the controversial “I couldn’t be arsed cleaning properly” technique where you just rinse the glass out and put it away.  How much glassware does this couple get through anyway, to require glassware cleaning to be a major part of the job description?  They are allowed to just drink things from the carton, you know.  And if Will is one of those blokes who cracks a stubbie and then pours it into a glass, he’s a dickhead and I’ll be having words with him about it.  UNLESS it’s a frosty glass that he keeps in the fridge or freezer, then it’s ok.  Also, it’s his shout at the end of the next over.

I have also never polished silverware, nor do I hyphenate it.  Can’t be too hard though, right?  I’m pretty sure there’s something you can buy from those infomercials on telly that will do the job easily enough.  They wash coins and stuff with it to prove how powerful it is.  Also; a shower head.  To be honest, the P&P should probably clean their own silvers; if you’ve got nice things, you should have to learn how to look after them.  Teach a man to fish etc.  I will supervise them while they do it instead.  Meanwhile, why are they using the good silverware so often?  Is the Queen coming to visit, or what? (just kidding, we’ll use the good stuff for you)  But seriously, they should use the home-starter kits they sell at K-Mart for about $12, which has about four lots of cutlery in it.  They’re surprisingly durable and look a treat.  The only problem is that they don’t have caviar spoons, snail forks and testicle scratchers like the fancy sets that you have, but I figure the P&P can get around that little obstacle by not being such fucking nancies about it and use one fork for more than one job.  Strangely, it works for the rest of the world.  Except for China, where they use chopsticks.  And India, where they use bread.  Fuck it, it works well for everyone except people in Asia. 

“…and in-house laundry." 

I don’t mean to be rude, The Queen, but unless P&P’s hands have fallen off, they can probably wash their own jocks once a week.  I reckon they’d have good undies too, just quietly, like the ones you can get that have a little coin pocket in them.  I don’t think anyone would really use that pocket for coins, because it would look a bit weird if you’re at Woolies and the check-out guy says, “That’ll be $12,” and you have $10 in your wallet so you start fishing around in your crotch for another $2.  Although I used to work at Woolies, and that really wouldn’t have been the weirdest thing that I’d ever seen at all.  One time, a lady peed in one of the aisles and then smashed a bottle of cordial so it looked like she hadn’t.  But everyone was watching her, so that kind of didn’t work out too well for her in the end.  Or the guy who had to clean it up.

I believe I would be a useful addition to Will, Kate and Expecting’s family, as I have the skills necessary to make them pretty much do things themselves, and help them to understand that all they’ve really done is had a child, not unlike billions of other families around the world.  Also, I’d be pretty good at this job because I reckon Kate’s a bit of alright, and even though her sister is heavily over-rated, she’d probably be a massive slag when she’s pissed, and I think that would be funny, and would probably be worth more than 6 views on youTube.

I look forward to hearing from you in regards to this application.

Cheers

Mister Evil Breakfast

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Twelve people to send to Jennifer Aniston’s house

Here's a new addition to the blog - a little game I like to call "Who's moving to Jennifer Aniston's house?"  It is based on the fact that Jennifer Aniston is quite possibly the most useless person on the face of the planet.  She has starred in a wildly successful sitcom, a few less successful films, and a whole bunch of doing nothing else except sitting around and taking up space in tabloid magazines for the mere fact that she is... basically... Brad Pitt's ex-wife.  Or girlfriend.  Or something.  They used to go out.

The main point is, she has done fuck all and nothing since Friends stopped being made.  No one really missed her.  Somehow though, she remains a part of the paparazzi's list of "fuckwits I need to take photos of while she drinks coffee" and "what does Jen think of Brad Pitt buying a new pair of sneakers?"  I heard that Jen just got engaged, or married or something to some guy I've never heard of who may or may not be a film producer, which is the second most useless occupation ever, next to, you know, being Jennifer Aniston.

The other cast members of Friends managed to fade away gracefully, especially Courtney Cox, who is a missed sandwich away from death as I write this.  Matt Le Blanc tried his hardest; starring as his character Joey in an ill-conceived show called Joey, then finishing his career by playing Matt Le Blanc in a show about himself trying to get another job.  That one failed too.  I can't say I'm too surprised, nor disappointed.

As perfectly fucking illustrated by Sick Boy and Renton in Trainspotting: "First you have it, then you don't, and then it's gone forever."  Then Renton shoots a pitbull in the balls with a bb gun.  

The following celebrities can all band together and become Jennifer Aniston's housemates so they can all sit around together, not bothering anyone and imagining themselves to be of any fucking use at all:

 

1  Demi Moore

Demi Moore is moore famous now (see what I did there) than when she was actually appearing in movies.  If your biggest claim to fame is being Bruce Willis' ex missus, then you should probably take a moment to sit back in your giant mansion bereft of food and wonder exactly what happened since you rooted Patrick Swayze in his pottery shed.

2  Michael Jackson

Yeah, he's dead, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't tits useless when he was alive.  You can't proclaim to be the King of Pop and then not release anything that wasn't even close to popular - it just doesn't make sense.  Thanks for Thriller, MJ.  It was in 1983, though.    

3  Nicole Kidman

The last good movie Nicole Kidman made was Dead Calm, and that was only because of the mutant sharks and velociraptors that may have/should have appeared in the film.  Everything else has been absolutely rat-shit unwatchable, even when she showed her boobs.  Tom Cruise's scientologist mates put a ban on their kids watching her movies due to their weird religious sci-fi beliefs.  Possibly the greatest achievement in the scientologist movement, in my opinion.

4  Prince

Little Red Corvette, 1999... that other song.  Musical superstar my arse.  Release something since 1989 and I might be interested... but probably not.  I don't care how much eyeliner you wear, you stupid little muppet.  Do something good.

5  Bert Newton

 I'm fucking sick of hearing the words "Australian TV legend" to describe this guy.  Having a hit show in the 70s doesn't make you a legend, it means you had a fucking tv show on during the 70s in Australia, when there were only 2 channels.  Chances are, if you flicked over to the other one, you'd be watching Daryl Somers.  He also spawned Matthew Newton, which takes him down another peg in my books.  To Jennifer's house with all of you, Newtons!

6  The Kardashians

The Kardashians are probably the most famous people in the world that are famous just for being famous.  They claim to be constantly "working" which is basically turning up to places and posing for a photo with a bottle of foul smelling swill with their name on it.  That's not a job.  If it was, Dr Pepper would be a millionaire.  I don't believe that man has a doctorate.

7  Lionel Ritchie

The guy danced on a ceiling once in the 80s.  Then he fucked off.  Then somehow his daughter became famous for being a slut/hanging out with sluts.  Now he's famous again.  Sing a new song, fuckbag, or I'll stab you in your perm.  

8  Victoria Beckham-Spice

Another perfume-flogging whore, who has also plonked her name onto a clothing brand in the delusion that it makes her a fashion designer.  She married some bloke who played soccer and had a bunch of ugly children.  Goes to show that the genes don't always fit.  Fuck I'm punny tonight.  I blame the Christmas egg-nog.

9  Lindsay Lohan

Once upon a time, she had a career as being an actress.  Now she's a drug-fucked alcoholic who can't keep a job.  If that was an occupation, I'd be a drug-addiction and an admitted alcohol problem away from having a decent career.

10  Angelina Jolie

Can anyone actually name the last film they saw that had Angelina Jolie as the leading actor?  No.  Didn't think so.  Looking like a hybrid of Skeletor and a Bratz doll has never been, and hopefully will never come to be, a useful occupation.

   

11  Danii Minogue

Having a tit-tonne more successful older sibling should not give you a free reign to pretend to be a successful entertainer.  The fact that the singing albatross has an ongoing stint on a popular Australian talent show is an abomination in itself.  She might have been famous in Japan in about 1991, but that means fuck all to me when I'm not watching Australia's X-Factored Talented Idols.  For the obligatory judge who might critique another performer for not "connecting with the audience" might want to check out her own resume once in a while. 

12 A partridge in a pear tree.

Seriously, bird - keep away from my fucking fruit.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eleven Rhyming Slang Words

Rhyming slang is rad; just ask anyone (don't).  According to legend, rhyming slang came about as a way for shifty folk to discuss their shifty business without people catching on to their shiftiness.  There are classic rhymes like ‘apples and pears’ for ‘stairs’ and ‘trouble and strife’ for ‘wife’ (which are reduced to ‘apples’ and ‘trouble’ respectively, just to add to the confusion) - I'm not sure why you'd really need to hide any information about stairs or your wife, but that's what separates us from the Cockneys.  Also, their accents.  And their hats. 

In this day and age of political correctness and on this very strugglesome eleventh day of Christmas, I think it's well past Update Cockney Rhyming Slang o'clock.   

1.       Michael Clarke – dark, which is then Cockneyed again (double Cockney combo) to Michael Clarke's nickname, Pup.  So now an oft-quoted phrase by our fearless cricketing captain becomes, "It’s pretty Pup in this closet!”

2.   Family stickers - Pink French knickers, because it would be a lot less embarrassing to ask for a pair of ladies undergarments (you know, if you're a guy) than buy some of those fucking Family Stickers that seem to come as a non-optional extra on all family-sized cars.

3.  Beers - Britney Spears.  I actually heard this one from some bloke on Big Brother a few years back, and thought, "Yeah, that's pretty good.  Let's hit the pub for some Britneys."  That guy didn't win, and I've never used it in person.  I'm also going to double the Cockney involved and rhyme Britney with Mike Whitney, so now you can grab yourself a six-pack of Mikes if you so choose.   

 

4.  Fart - Gina Rineheart.  Next time you're in a crowded elevator, crack a Gina. 

5.  I don't know - Russell Crowe.  Sometimes you just have no fucking clue to a question that someone may ask you.  Instead of sounding gormless like everyone else, respond with a confident "Russell Crowe" or "Rusty."  This won't work if the question is, "Why do chicks think Russell Crowe is attractive?” though. 

6.  Can you lend me a couple of bucks?  - Well this just fucking sucks.  For optimal effect, say it to your empty wallet when with friends.  Self explanatory, really.

7.  KFC - Mike Hussey.  Grab yourself a Colonel Burger from Mr Cricket's next time.  So called because they're both finger lickin' good, and will always give you the runs.

8.  Bike rider - Rock Spider.  They both suck, that's why.  GET OFF THE ROAD, DICKHEAD.  ALSO, stop touching me.

9.  Fridge - Ozzie Ostrich.  Your mate (not Daryl Somers) brings over for a couple of Mike Whitneys, and asks, "Where do you want em?"  Don't give a "Russell Crowe," but tell him where to put them - right in the Ozzie, next to the leftover bucket of Huss.

10.  Shirt - Ernie and Bert.  Yes, I know no one calls them Ernie and Bert, but it rhymes with shirt and I kind of want to walk into a dry-cleaner and ask how much it would be to get the Pup stains out of my Ernie.

11.  Pub - Scrubs.  I really liked the tv show Scrubs... until it went about two seasons too long and it wasn't funny or clever or anything except painful to watch.  Kind of like when you're having a great time out drinking... until you hang around for those two beers too long and you aren't funny or clever or anything except painful to watch too. 

"I'll just change my Ernie and we'll head out for a Whitney." 

"Well this just fucking sucks."

"I guess we're not doing Scrubs then.  Check the ostrich."

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Ten People I Could Do Without

-          1 People who do Austin Powers impersonations

Actually, most people who do impersonations are fucked, unless, you know, that’s their profession, and they are incredibly successful at it.  But  I’m talking about the people who are doing Austin Powers impressions now, and still expecting everyone around them to laugh, because, you know, we’ve only had to deal with fifteen years of shithouse office impersonations of people saying, “Shagadellic, baby!” and looking around like a gormless dick for approval. 

-          2 People who hang around way too long after a conversation has ended

Everyone loves a good chat.  Nobody likes an awkward conversation.  A major difference between the two is the way they end.  You tell your story, the other bloke adds into it, you make a clever quip, he responds.  You both laugh, say, “Catch you later, tiger,” and go your separate ways, thinking, “You know, that was a great little chat.  Good times.”  The other end of the spectrum sees you tell your story, he tells one that may or may not relate to yours (yet goes twice as long), you make a joke about it, he doesn’t get it and retells the story, you nod politely, he tells another story, you laugh politely at the end and prepare to say, “Catch you later, tiger!” but he begins another story that he forgets the ending of, and stands in front of you for the next ten minutes as he tries to remember what the original point of the whole thing was before giving up and walking away, only to return about an hour later to do it all again.   

-          3 The guy at the pub who tries to talk to you

You’re standing at the bar, waiting to order your beer.  The bloke next to you leans over and says, “Busy in here tonight, isn’t it?”  You say, “Yeah!” laugh and carry on waiting.  He waits for eight seconds and then leans back in and says, “I’m used to it.  I’m really busy at work.  All the time.”  You nod and say, “Yeah.  Same,” and then get back to waiting.  He says, “I work in IT...”  You have some choices to make now – grab a glass from the nearest table and smash it over his head, smash yourself over the head, or keep nodding at the guy as he tells you about his programming skills and how his workmates are in awe of him to the point that they don’t talk to him.  Unfortunately, every time you go to get a drink that night, this guy will be there. 

-          4 Small talkers at work

You are in your workplace.  You are carrying a mug of coffee.  Some genius sees you and says, “Coffee time, eh?”  Yes, dickhead.  I am drinking coffee.  I don’t walk up to you when you’re opening the toilet door and say, “Off for a poo, eh?”     

-          5 People who start sentences with “I saw something on A Current Affair last night…”

When you hear this, run.  You will also not be able to admit to having friends who are labourers, as they are all shady and will rip you off at any stage, and you will have to hide the fact that you aren’t racist and you actually enjoy other cultures, and not just when it is confined to “their house.”  You will also be judged because you shop at Woolies, as it was ‘proven’ that Coles is better.    

-          6 Bogans

You know the ones – they have the car up on blocks in their front yard, which consists of knee-high grass while they swear at the toddlers who keep pulling down the bedsheet curtains in the living room, and will yell at you to “Fuck off” if you look at their dog again.  Looking at pit bulls that are frothing at the mouth and have an eye missing isn’t really a passion of mine, so I will accept their offer.  

-          7 Food spitters

It happens to everyone – you’re eating a sandwich, someone says, “Hey Mister Evil Breakfast, you are very good looking,” (or something of the ilk), and you say, “Thanks,” as a small chunk of bread flies out of your mouth.  The normal thing to do is cover your mouth, apologise for accidentally spitting food at them, and then apologise for being so much better looking than them to start with, and you hope it doesn’t make them feel inferior.  The thing you don’t do is continue to talk and spit food at them to the point where they have eaten more of your sandwich than you have.

-          8 Enthusiasts

Hobbies are great.  I like hobbies, and I plan to have one some day.  But I will try not to let my hobby become my personality to the point that I cannot talk about anything other than my hobby.  I don’t know why, but enthusiasts always have enthusiasm for really shit things that no one really gives a shit about.  Snow globes.  Clouds.  Cars.  Spoons.

 

-          9 People who went through the same thing.  But worse.

A friend of mine once described these people as, “if you told them that you had a black cat, their cat would be blacker.”  Nothing you ever do or say will be quite up to scratch as to what they have done.   Climbed Everest?  They did it faster, without food, with a backpack full of bricks while dragging a cement truck up the “bit where it goes vertical.”   

“I also did that,” you quip.  “But I had two cement trucks.”  

Without batting an eyelid, they will ask, “were they full of cement?”  

I say, “Yes.”  

They say, “So was mine, but it was full of this new cement that weighs like eight... fifteen... about thirty times the weight of normal cement.  You probably haven’t heard about it.”  

No, I haven't.  Because cement isn't my hobby. 

 

-          10 Bloggers who complain about things

Seriously, don’t they have other things to do?  Especially at Christmas.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Nine Grammar Things

 

Yep, I’m that guy who will respond to an email or text message with a quick correction of your spelling and grammar.  I’m the guy who will interrupt your story to ask if you could please stop using split infinitives and pronounce things properly.  I have had to reinforce the asterisk key on my keyboard because I use it eighteen times as much as all of the other keys.  I have lost most of my friends.

I don’t know why it annoys me when people fuck up their grammar; it just does.  It’s like how some people are sexually attracted to feet, and other people are scared of clowns.  I am angered by misused semicolons and I turn into the Hulk (but bigger and sexier) when someone says ung-yen instead of onion.  There’s no G, retards.  Why are you pronouncing one?

The worst part about being a “Grammar Nazi," or as I like to call myself "A Dickhead," is that people will respond with an eye-roll and a “but youse knew what I meant so it doesn’t even matter, but.”  I will follow this sentence up by a swift head-butt to their face, and then I’ll staple an exclamation mark onto their bum while they’re crying on the ground. 

It’s vigilante justice, bitches. 

Want to avoid being head-butted and stapled and left to sob it out on the street?  Follow these simple rules:

1. Floating apostrophes

If it’s plural, don’t use an apostrophe.  Rule of thumb: If you see it at Woolworths or Coles, don’t assume it is correct.  There are no “Potatoe’s for $2.99 a kilo.”  There are no “Discount’s on goat’s.”  There are, however, idiots working there and writing their signs. 

Other than contractions (didn’t, can’t, shouldn’t), where the apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter (write it down and see for yourself!), you should only use an apostrophe if something belongs to someone.  The potatoes in Woolies don’t belong to their $2.99 price tag.  “The man’s bum was stapled.”  The bum belongs to the man.  Well, it’ll belong to me if I see you fucking around with apostrophes.

In terms of possessive plural (if you can’t keep up so far, face-plant the nearest wall and staple your own arse, please), the same rule applies, but you put your apostrophe after the pluralised noun.  “Goats’ favourite food is stapled human bums.”  If it’s one goat, it would be “the goat’s favourite food is bum.”  See?  FUCKING EASY. 

2. His vs he’s

The words sound similar, granted… if you speak like an inbred hick.  I have no idea how this trend began, but the word “his” is being run out of town by a mob of pitchfork wielding yokels.  Instead of “his bum got stapled,” we see “he’s bum got stapled.”  WRONG, DICKHEADS!  As per the apostrophe lesson, the word he’s is a contraction of he is so keep that in mind the next time you’re updating your Justin Bieber Twitter feed about “he’s face is so hot lyke a sunrise.”  You’re just embarrassing yourselves.  But you’re probably used to that.

3. Then vs Than

When I first read “I’d prefer being stapled in the arse then get head-butted,” I must admit I was confused, as I don’t think the order of which body part gets attacked first would make a huge difference.  Then I realised that it wasn’t a timing thing, it was an either/or thing.  Then I realised that everyone is an idiot. 

Rule of thumb:  thEn is for whEn, and thAn is for… um…an option.  Fuck it, not everything has to rhyme, you know.

4. There / Their / They’re, You’re / Your

Yep, they all sound the same.  Yep, they’re all spelt differently.  Yep, they mean completely different things.  “There is a man.  They’re head-butting me.  Their staples are going into my bum.” 

It’s the same with your and you’re.  One is a contraction of you are.  The other one isn’t.  Use them both in a sentence (start by saying it out loud first, then move that conversation into your head when you’re ready – see what I did there?) and try it out.  If you come out with “You are stapler is hurting my buttock!” then you are doing it wrong, so use the other one. 

5. The invisible but emphatic K

When people speak, they invent a new spelling of things.  I have already mentioned the mythical ung-yun, a staple vegetable in modern Australian Chinese take-away recipes.  You know what else isn’t a word?  Nothink.  Somethink.  Everythink.  You should only get away with this travesty of language if you are doing a bad impression of an evil German scientist from the 1940s.  Just quietly, that evil German scientist has a better grasp of English than you do.

6. You vs Youse

The word you’re looking for when talking to your mate is you.  The word you’re looking for when talking to a group of your mates is you.  I don’t think it can get any more simple than that.

7. Lose vs Loose

I just can’t fathom people writing “the Australian cricket team are loosers LOL they are the only team in the world that could have lost that game LOL they are loosers” and not realise what the fuck they have done.  They got lost right, but continue to staple themselves in the arse (and surrounding areas; I’m hitting the perineum next) by using loosers.  If the word was loosers, retard, the past tense would be loost.  I do agree with the sentiment though.  The Australian cricket team do try and lose a match at every available chance. 

8. Ur

This one is probably more me than anything else, but it pisses me off, and to be honest, 9 grammatical errors to complain about is a lot, so excuse me for phoning in number 8.  When people write “ur” in a text message, email, comment or tweet (if you handwrite it, I will kill you.  I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU), I really don’t know how to pronounce it in my head.  "ur coming out 2nite?"  "i like ur new goat."  Is it yer or your or you are?  I don’t like it, and it’s not really saving yourself a lot of time or energy than just writing it properly.  Damn young kids and their urs and stuff.

9. To vs Too

“I have too many staples in my bum!” is what I should be reading.  But no, I’m seeing “I have to many staples and I don’t know what too do with them.”  I know exactly what to do with them. 

Rule of thumb:  If you have too many things and aren’t sure which too to use, go with the one with too many Os in it.  That rule actually hurts my head a bit.  But not as much as I’m going to hurt yours if you keep fucking it up.  Ugh, I’m going to have to reinforce my forehead with steel plates and shit with all the head-butting I’m going to get done.