Holy shit it’s the final round of the regular season WHEEEEEE and we’re getting a chance to give a farewell to about a thousand players, as Ben Creagh from the Dragons looks set to hang up his boots and Jack Reed from the Broncos looks like he’ll be making a swift exit (which would be the only swift thing Jack has done all year, amirite Broncos fans?), as he succumbs to injury and sunburn. In WTF news, Benji Marshall could be thrown a lifeline by the Melbourne Storm if no one else wants him – and they don’t. It just proves how fucking arrogant the Storm are, that they think they can pick up Marshall and still be competitive. What a bunch of rubbish pricks.
In other news that makes you wonder if the club CEOs are on more drugs than the players, Robbie Farah has been linked to joining South Sydney next year, which is a move that confirms the fact that Souths were so happy to win their first premiership in 43 years in 2014 that they couldn’t be fucked bothering to try and win another one for another 43.
Forgetting about sad things like Robbie Farah playing again, we’ve got a barnstormer of a round coming up, with each team given one final chance to break someone’s face, get suspended, end their career or possibly even put in some effort for a decent game to finish their season on a high note.
My favourite game to decide who comes last has unfortunately already been decided, and it’s Newcastle who will take the wooden spoon this year. But take heart, Novacastrians – just two years ago, the Raiders and the Sharks were playing each other in this corresponding round to determine who would come dead fucking last in the competition. This year, they might face each other in the grand fucking final. Funny game, this rugby league. Except for Newcastle, who will probably keep sucking for a while longer.
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Broncos vs Roosters
OH THANK GOD I GET TO SEE THE ROOSTERS PLAY AGAIN THIS YEAR. What a wonderful surprise to see these two champion teams who are largely ignored by free-to-air television playing together on a Thursday night. What a bunch of bullshit. The only thing this game is doing is stopping the Roosters from getting arrested one day earlier than they normally would have. Can you imagine Blake Ferguson and Mitchell Pearce together on Mad Monday? I feel a bit dirty just thinking about it.
Canterbury vs South Sydney
Five Doggies players farewelling their home crowd for this game. Here’s hoping that they go out as losers, because I really, really, really hate Canterbury. Souths haven’t been much chop this year either, but fuck it, you have to go for someone.
St George vs Newcastle
In a controversial and possibly stupid move, I’m tipping the Knights to get up in this game and run over the top of St George. It would be a fitting end to the season, because the Knights have tried hard in every game they’ve played this year, despite having just one win and a thousand tries scored against them; while on the other hand the Dragons are balls useless and I hate them too.
North Queensland vs Titans
No one cares. NEXT.
Melbourne vs Cronulla
The battle for the MINOR PREMIERSHIP all comes down to THIS GAME. Pity it’s not on free-to-air so people can watch it. But since it’s Melbourne and Cronulla, no one would watch it anyway.
Tigers vs Raiders
WOOOOO RAIDERS YOU ARE THE BEST AROUND NOTHING’S EVER GONNA KEEP THEM DOWN BANG BANG BANG GREEN MACHINE FEARSOME GREEN MORE THE ABC TINA TURNER SIMPLY THE BEST BETTER THAN BALMAIN AND WESTS.
Warriors vs Eels
Fuck you, Warriors. Honestly, I should put you in the same shitfuck category as St George, but I can’t do that to any team with Shaun Johnson in it. I'm not usually into guys, but he could literally sit there fully clothed eating his lunch and I'd fuck him through a hole in his pants while he ignores me just for the story.
Uh. Go Eels.
Panthers vs Manly
After a disappointing year, Manly coach Trent Barrett had this pearler to say last week: "We've got second rowers in the centres and centres on the wing. And Nate."
According to the man in charge, Manly’s problems this year can be boiled down to the ridiculous amount of injuries they’ve had, compounded by a lack of experience and depth, which has forced some players into lining up in unfamiliar positions against formidable oppositions. And having Nate Myles on the team.