Monday, May 16, 2011

Oh Mr Sheen

Following the rapid decline of Charlie Sheen’s sanity and integrity, he was fired from the “hit television show” Two and a Half Men, in which he played one of the Men, whose name I believe was Charlie. If I was in a sitcom, I’d make the character I was playing be named Mister Evil Breakfast as well, because I have a bad memory and would forget which person I was meant to be playing. When I was in kindergarten, my class put on a Christmas play for our parents, and I was picked to play one of the Three Wise Men (obviously) who sought out the baby Jesus and gave it gold, frankincense and myrrh. I do love me some myrrh for birthdays. Anyway, in order to give all of the kids in the class a role, we used a bit of creative license with the Bible story and introduced three kings and three shepherds who were also following the Star to the manger in which Jesus (aka Cindy the Cabbage Patch Kid) lay.

During the rehearsals, my teacher said to me, “Mister Evil Breakfast, you are Wise Man Number Two. You walk out after Wise Man Number One and before Wise Man Number Three. But first you wait for the Three Kings and then the Three Shepherds.” With Mrs Kindyteacher spouting off all of those names, I got terribly confused. This is why there were four Kings (one of whom was carrying myrrh, did not have a crown and was pulled off stage by his teacher when he was halfway to the manger) who went to meet Jesus, followed by four shepherds (one of whom was carrying myrrh, did not have a shepherd’s crook and was pulled off stage by his teacher when he was halfway to the manger) and then two Wise Men who were carrying gold and frankincense, followed by a third Wise Man (and his teacher) who was quite frankly a bit apprehensive about joining any more parties on their way to the birth of the messiah, and didn’t want to give up his myrrh when he got there anyway. This is probably why I heckle the priest at church on Christmas Eve. Also, because I’m drunk on Communion wine (and tequila).

About 27 years after my sparkling performance in my kindergarten play which no doubt inspired Charlie Sheen’s acting career, Sheensie was fired from acting as himself on Two and a Half Men following mad cocaine binges with porn stars, prostitutes and according to Sheen himself, ‘a two-headed unicorn from Neptune’ and then firing up his Twitter account to hurl abuse and speak gibberish at anyone who would listen. Without its main attraction, the show has been on ‘hiatus’ as the geniuses at the studio try to work out what to do with this fucking retarded but ultimately insanely popular program.

In a recent announcement, it was decided that Two and a Half Men will be cancelled in the not-too-distant future. To ensure that this is done properly, the producers have hired a Hollywood euthanasia expert in the form of Ashton Kutcher to perform this tricky procedure. Under the watchful eye of Dr Kutcher, the high-rating sitcom will be revived from its current coma before being choked until it is dead, kicked a few times and drowned in battery acid (with a hint of paprika). Then they’ll kick it again just for shits and giggles and set it on fire.

Kutcher was quoted as saying, “Don’t worry, I can kill this show off, regardless of its success. I’ve done it a thousand times before.” He has also shown interest in joining the cast of Merlin and it is rumoured that he will appear in a handful of episodes of Winners and Losers.

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