Tuesday, April 12, 2011

With a little understanding, we can blend them all perfectly

It has been a long time since my last Neighbours update – to be perfectly francis, I haven’t been watching it with my usual hawk-like intensity, as the happy hour times at the pub have changed to finish at 6pm. So when I order 400 drinks at 5:58pm, it sometimes takes me a while to drink them by myself, and then even longer to remember where I live or how to walk.

I have managed to catch a couple of episodes here and there, so I will give a briefish run-down of the trials and tribulations of our favourite (I use that term loosely) television neighbourhood as best I can (also used loosely).

Ins and Outs:
Ringo died, apparently. As is the standard punishment for not going to Charlie’s, Harold’s or school, Ringo attempted to cross a non-Neighbours road and was run over by Steph. His life was celebrated by people sitting around Harold’s Café for a while, listening to his latest single and drinking milkshakes. In a strange act of mourning for the loss of a bromance, Ramsay Street then divided themselves amongst Team Steph and Team Ringo for the ensuing court case.

Donna decided that she would pack up and head to New York after finishing the first year of her TAFE fashion course. It’s what Ringo would have wanted, after all. Well, that and not dying.

Steph went to jail after running Ringo over and killing him. Toadie was pretty busy that day, being the lawyer for the prosecution as well as the defendant whilst struggling with his own feelings about the case (being married to the defendant is a good way to get really involved), plus dodging death threats, new romantic interests as well as allowing himself sixty-four trips to Harold’s for a coffee while trying to organise custody of Steph’s thousands of children. I’m pretty sure someone took Charlie, put him in a drawer somewhere and forgot about him. We can only hope.

Karl and Susan are, unfortunately, still around. Karl finally accepted my Facebook friend request though.

Rebecca took off to Prague following the break-down of her marriage and affair. I think she might have taken Declan’s baby with her; I’m not sure. I have a sneaking suspicion that in about three months, baby India will return to Ramsay having aged about 15 years and join the rest of the Erinsborough kids in whatever grade at school they’re perpetually stuck in.

Natasha the Ugly Bogan Chick pretended she was pregnant with Scottish Rob Farnham’s baby after discovering that he had been spending time with Summer. She decided to make him prove himself as a decent father-figure by forcing him to give up a high-paying job so he could spend more time at home with her and the kid, instead of, you know, providing for them. Rob was obviously distraught at having missed this opportunity, the likes of which only come up a few times each week for high-school students in Ramsay Street. He was even more pissed off that he spent $2000 on a stroller for a kid that never existed, meaning that he blew his entire coffee budget in one sitting.

Toadie has found himself a nice young lady to help create the nuclear family mirage for his adopted son, Callum. Unfortunately, it seems that the Neighbours curse of “no matter what you ever do in your life, it will fuck you up on Ramsay Street” has struck her down as well, and it appears that she is actually Callum’s birth mother. Oh the irony. It does however, fit in quite well with the fact that her sister appears to be of a completely different ethnicity than her, so it makes sense that her kid would look more like Carl Williams than an eight year old kid.

Kate’s relationship woes have continued as her policeman boyfriend broke up with her for lying in court. In some places (the world), this is known as perjury and is an actual crime and punishable by serving jail time. Having her relationship end because of this is probably not the worst thing that could have happened. It’s a pity, because Constable Kate’s Boyfriend was the closest thing that Ramsay Street has ever seen to having a likeable, honest and believable character. I mean, the guy drank a beer at the pub for fuck’s sake. No orange juice and decaflattechinos for him.

Rivers from Heartbreak High is still hanging around and seems to be moping about all the women in the Neighboursverse, both past and present. He signed up at a Policeman’s Information Booth at the local Ramsay Street Fete, so I’m assuming he’ll be making detective fairly fucking soon. He will also tap Toadie’s missus’ sister. I wish I could remember her name, or care enough to look it up.

MEB’s predictions for the Neighbour’s universe:
- Lou will make his standard one appearance per scene per week as he makes a snide comment about Lynne’s cooking.

- Susan will have another bout of some kind of mental disorder, giving her another chance to perfect her “No no, I’m fine, I just need some air” line.

- Zeke will either die in a car accident, receive an offer from London to DJ there (and die), or get someone pregnant (and die before the girl gives birth). Either way, Zeke is fucked.

- Natasha’s dad will either have a complete mental breakdown or develop a drinking problem. He will definitely drive his car over someone (look out, Zeke!). He will be counselled by Rivers from Heartbreak High.

- A new family will move into the street and while everything appears normal, it’s painfully obvious that they are running from something. They will all either move away or into someone else’s house within three months.

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