Hands up if you had a massive improvement on your tips for last round. Everyone?
Hands up if you’re still bottom of the ladder. Just me?
This weekend’s rounds have opened up many, many cans of worms regarding each team’s form, injury toll, depth of interchange and who has been arrested during the week. Will the Roosters be able to put a turbulent few days behind them for the much-anticipated grand final replay? (no) Will the Broncos' defence continue to hold out wave after wave of attackers running one-pass off the ruck? (yes) Do the Eels really suck that much? (yes) Exactly how injured is Josh Dugan? (not very) Are the Bulldogs seriously that arrogant despite not being very good? (YES) It’s statistics like this that make this great game as great as it is, which is just great.
Sea Eagles v Panthers
Tigers v Broncos
Sharks v Cowboys
Bulldogs v Rabbitohs
Eels v Titans
Roosters v Dragons
Storm v Warriors
Raiders v Knights
Seeing as it’s Easter, it’s fitting that Jesus is a card-carrying member of the Raiders, because if anyone needs to resurrect their season, it’s the mighty Green Machine, and I believe Jesus has had some experience with that.
“…and Jesus did go unto Bruce stadium to watch the Raiders play the Knights that day in the afternoon. With just seven minutes to go, Canberra had only scored six points to Newcastle’s fourteen.
‘Jesus,’ implored Peter, who had pie pastry on his bottom lip that no one had told him about. ‘There is not enough time for the Raiders to win. Six points is not enough to beat the Knights.’
So Jesus did kneel down and pray and pick up another can of beer that was resting on the ground, gave thanks and praise and tied his sandal.
Through the power of God, Jesus took those six points and turned them into thirty, defeating the Knights and restoring a bit of pride to the for-and-against differential.
‘My Lord,’ said Peter. ‘That is enough to beat the Knights and whichever losers we play next weekend!’
‘Fuck yes,’ replied Jesus, finishing his beer. ‘Let it be known that through the power of God almighty, the Raiders will use this victory to forge towards the top of the NRL ladder. Spread the word.’
‘Isn’t it cheating though, lord?’ asked Thomas.
‘Thomas, why are you such a fucking little bitch all the time? It’s your shout, hurry up and go while they’re still serving.’
And Thomas did as Jesus had asked, because he snuck into the stadium anyway, and didn’t really like rugby league in the first place.
This is the word of the Lord.”
Poor Matt Orford. But this is funny.