Thursday, August 19, 2010

NRL Round 24: Whoooooooo are you? Who who? Who who?

The Roosters were happy to sign up the Simon Says champion for a three-year deal

This single sentence is the entire introduction to this week’s tips; I hope you enjoy it.

Knights vs Broncos

Normally the Broncs are like your mate who is always up for a beer when you give him a bell. Reliable and fun, but just enough of a knob to make you realise why you don’t hang out with him more often. The Broncos are without Darren Lockyer, which is like your mate drinking too much and taking his pants off in the bar. Still, it’s better to be out with that guy than the Newcastle equivalent, who is buying drinks for the hot blonde in the hope that she’ll drunkenly make out with him. She won’t.

Panthers vs Rabbitohs

Wow, the Panthers really suck right now. Like, a lot. So much so that they don’t deserve to be in fourth place anymore, which is handy, because the Bunnies are going to knock them off that rung this weekend.

Sea Eagles vs Warriors

Imagine if Manly and the Warriors were two guys who had applied for the same job and were being interviewed. The interviewer asks, “So tell me what happened in your last game?” The Warriors bloke says, “Weel bro, we won aginst the Knights, hey, end even though they aren’t heving the most siccissfil seasin, it wis still good to play will end come up wuth the points, hey?” Meanwhile the Manly bloke says, “Well we got fucked over by the ref. I mean, fucking hell, how Gasnier got that fucking try is a fucking joke. Turned the whole fucking game on its fucking head. Seriously, it was fucked. We always get fucked over by the refs.” I reckon I know who’s getting that job and who’s going to go back home and tell people that they got fucked over by the whole fucking interview process.

Cowboys vs Bulldogs

Everyone loves a bit of comic relief to lighten up a tense situation, but this game is shaping up to be a shambolic showdown of slapstick shenanigans. While it will be entertaining to watch for a few minutes, it probably won’t hold too many people’s attention for a long time. This could be a good game to take the kids to see and show them why you should stay in school. For what it’s worth, I reckon the Cowboys might even be able to rustle up a rare win… and by rare, I mean it will be a long way from “well done.”

Storm vs Sharks

It’s almost impossible to pick how the Storm are going to play anymore. But it’s also impossible to pick the Sharks. Last week they somehow got away with a win against the more-fancied Roosters, but I’ve got a funny feeling that they’ll be finding it hard to sit down after the arse-kicking they’ll receive this week.

Raiders vs Dragons

The Raiders are “that guy” who will talk to anyone that will listen about “the time he beat St George.” What he doesn’t tell you is that when he beat St George, they were missing nine of their regular team. With a bit of work, he could probably step up against the Dragons, and with a bit of luck, might just even win. But no one wants to tell him that he’s a dickhead, because he’ll spend the rest of the night telling you 1,000 reasons why he’s not a dickhead, and most of them will be about the time he beat St George.

Eels vs Tigers

In every high-school movie, there’s the hot jock guy who’s a complete dickwad and he always gets his comeuppance at the end; usually his girlfriend finds out he’s a knob or he gets a bucket of goat poo thrown on him. Both of these teams are those guys and so this will turn out to be a bit of a shit fight. I don’t care who wins, to be honest… but it will probably be the Tigers.

Roosters vs Titans

It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Roosters. You know those guys who don’t study for exams but piss it in, don’t work hard and get promoted, don’t exercise and land hot chicks? Those pricks who fall ass-backwards into money without trying, land the first rental place they apply for, get all the green lights when they’re running late and never have a problem when walking through the metal detectors at the airport? The guys whose speeding tickets never arrive and who get waved through the breathalyser? Both of these teams are those guys. Titans to win.

Tip tip tipping on heaven's door...

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