Friday, August 13, 2010

NRL Tipping - Round 23: The drinks are on me

The zombie invasion is beginning, and it's already claimed Joel Monaghan

I'm all about metaphors and similes at the moment. They are as awesome as a piece of pizza with sliced brilliance and sprinkled with radness. Drinking is also a lot of fun, so I'm combining my two great loves for this week's tips.

Broncos vs Eels
The Broncos are like a fine wine that keeps improving with age and is really only appreciated by old people with a lot of money who don’t use it to get drunk on. A tasty, tasty wine. Parramatta, on the other hand, are like a shot of Jaeger. It tastes horrible, costs a shit-tin and gets you legless fairly quickly. The Broncos will leave you with a feeling of superiority over your Jaeger-drinking Eels counterparts as they wake up with no memory of the night before, a wicked hangover and a feeling of worthlessness.

Sharks vs Roosters
For this game, I am likening the Sharkies to a bag of goon. It’s cheap and nasty, and while it will do in a pinch, you don’t want to drink it every night. The Roosters are more akin to a nice scotch – it has a touch of class about it, but secretly you just want to add a dash of Coke to it. Todd Carney’s probably good for a line or two.

Titans vs Cowboys
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Cowboys. Another battle of Queensland pride, so it’s a fight between Powers and XXXX. You can slug XXXX all day; it is mid-strength after all. You do need to drink about six slabs of it before you like the taste of it though. Powers – well who the fuck knows about it? I don’t think anyone’s drunk it since 1984... but I’ll have a schooie of that before I settle for a XXXX.

Bulldogs vs Raiders
The Doggies have a sense of port about them – if you feel like having one, it either means you’ve had way too much to drink already, or you’ve run out of real drinks. Canberra, meanwhile, should be donked into a brown bottle and have a green label slapped onto them. Good ol’ reliable VB. You know every pub will have it, and while it may not be fancy-shmancy, it’s reliable.

Warriors vs Knights
Our kiwi cousins have proven themselves to be like a Bacardi Breezer, while the Knights are an out-of-date light beer with rust around the lid, poured into a dusty glass and costs you $7 for some reason. While you may not admit to drinking a Breezer, you can’t deny that it’s pretty fucking tasty. Just don’t let your mates catch you buying them at the bar and you’ll be fine.

Storm vs Rabbitohs
Ah the Storm... at the moment, the Storm are like wandering into a cocktail bar, picking a sexually-themed summer drink, paying over $20 for the bartender to muddle a pear and pour some vermouth over a mandarin rind and sprinkle it with crushed ice and apple with a pinch of raspberry coulis. It all sounds fancy as fuck, but you're not sure what it’s going to taste like, whether you’re going to enjoy it, and more importantly, if it’s going to get you pissed. Souths are more like propping yourself up on a stool at the RSL and sucking on a couple of Carlton Draughts for a pleasant afternoon. I know which one I’d prefer.

Tigers vs Panthers
Right now, the Panthers are playing like my love affair with bourbon and Coke. By that, I mean that if you see me with the devil’s brew, it is “that time” and you’d better watch out, because I’m probably going to vomit, cry and fall asleep on you. But when I’m at the bar deciding what to order, a bourbon somehow sounds like a good idea – even though I know that it never really is. For this game, I’m having a glass of water with the Tigers. Yes, it’s boring, but it also means that you’re not dragging me to the taxi rank later on.

Dragons vs Sea Eagles
I have been in love with Pure Blonde beer for a while now – it tastes good, isn’t wildly expensive, gets me drunk and has 1/3 the carbs as regular beers. That pretty much sums up the 2010 St George Dragons; even though I will occasionally venture out and have another beer, Blonde knows I will always come back to it. Manly is like a Guinness – there’s only so much that the human body can cope with before it starts to eat itself from the inside. While a Guinness can be quite lovely, it should be reserved for that once-a-year occasion. This isn't it; barkeep - another Blonde, thanks.

Now I’m a bit thirsty.

It’s a long way to tip if you wanna rock and roll.

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