Thursday, May 06, 2010


As soon as the juggernaut of The Biggest Loser ends, the juggernaut that is MasterChef begins. Don’t try and pretend that there’s no irony about watching twenty fat fuckers try and halve their body weight in 12 weeks and then watching three other fat fuckers show some Peter Russell Clarke wannabes drown their food in oil and salt for another 12 weeks. However, these are two shows which have captured the imaginations of the Australian public, so what else is there to do but switch on, crack a stubbie and drink to it?

MasterChef Drinking Game

You will need:
- 1 television tuned to Channel 10 at 7:30pm
- Enough alcohol to (a) quench Lindsay Lohan’s thirst, and (b) make her attractive again
- The ability to withstand the wank that is MasterChef

The judges
There are three judges who vary in belly girth and ugliness. If they were women, they wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the screen. The fat bald one is George, the fat one with hair is Gary and the super fat one with the cravat is Matt.

- drink every time George raises his voice for emphasis at the wrong time.
- drink every time George raises himself onto his tiptoes while talking.
- drink every time George gets way too close to the food he’s preparing.
- drink every time George drops food from his mouth while eating or spits while talking with a mouthful of food.
- drink every time a joke is made about Gary being fat.
- drink every time Gary suggests something to the other judges (“Let’s eat!” or “Let’s score this dish!”) followed by “shall we?”
- drink every time Matt looks as if he’s about to vomit after eating.
- drink every time Matt’s fucking cravat is mentioned.
- drink for every time the three judges talk about how a piece of food “takes them away to another place.”
- drink whenever the judges interrupt someone cooking to ask them a stupid question and then tell them to “hurry up” as the time runs down.

The contestants
There are about a thousand contestants, ranging from some guy to a chick with glasses. None of them are chefs by trade, but all know how to cook the bejesus out of a pufferfish, so I’m thinking they might have some inside info that we don’t know about. Keep an eye out for Claire – she acts like she’s just come from the auditions of “So You Think You Can Dance” and was told that she’s rubbish and now has a point to prove.

- drink every time a contestant cries.
- an extra drink if they cry due to the food “affecting them” in a “personal way” or
- if they’re crying because “it’s just too hard.”
- drink when the contestant fucks something up while cooking.
- drink whenever the contestant vows not to let being kicked off the show stop them from achieving their dream.
- drink every time the contestant is obviously being told to say that they can “taste the acidic citric flavour cutting through the sweet velvet essence” (or equivalent) when all they’re really doing is eating lemon pie with vanilla ice cream.
- drink whenever the contestants get to meet a “celebrity chef” and they all act like 12 year old girls at a Justin Beiber concert instead of a bunch of grown-ups meeting someone who’s a slightly better cook than they are.
- drink whenever a contestant claims that they’re “not ready to go home yet.”

If you can make it through one episode without passing out, you’re a better man than I. Bon appetit!

Warning: Objects in this picture are as wanky as they appear

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