Friday, May 14, 2010

Round 10: Kettles of fish

This takes a bit of talent...

...this one needs work. Five-to-seven years in jail will help Brett Stewart perfect his routine.

Welcome Tipsters! Round 10 is upon us, which means there’s only about 3,592 more weeks to go in the season. Good times. Good times.
Last week may not have been my greatest moment, picking one out of four, but I’m as determined as a Mike Hussey century that I’ll make up for it this week. I’m kind of keen for cricket season again, could you tell?

Broncos vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Broncos. These two packs of Queenslanders should put on a decent game, as the coaches shave down their gorilla armies and set them loose against each other. I’m going to ignore last week’s mishap of Brisbane winning a game and say that the Titans will be easy winners this week.

Bulldogs vs Dragons
Bulldogs are called bulldogs because they were bred for bull-baiting, which entails the dog to bite onto the nose of the bull and hang on for dear life. People would bet on whether the dog would survive or not. Thankfully, this sport ran out of favour around 1700 or so, which means it’s only played in certain areas of Queensland. Anyway, people realised that dogs with shorter muzzles were better for hanging onto the bull, so they specifically got shorter-nosed dogs to root until the beauty of the bulldog was born. Apparently they’re so fucked up now that they can’t even have sex without a bit of human help to get them in the right spot. What a weird animal, man. Dragons to win this one.

Warriors vs Cowboys
I recommend you flip a coin for this one. My coin says heads.

Raiders vs Storm
In the (sort of) words of Icehouse: “You’d have to be crazy, baby, to pick a team like Storm (woah-oh).” You can’t tip against Iva Davies. How come no-one’s called Iva these days? It makes me sad.

Roosters vs Knights
Last weekend, the Knights managed to score 36 points and still lose. Even though the Rooters also sucked, I can’t go against them this round. I don’t know why. I’ve got a funny feeling the human tattoo will score about 70 tries alone.

Tigers vs Rabbitohs
Remember ‘Watership Down?’ Those rabbits kicked arse, man. Vicious fuckers. And what have tigers done for us lately? Nothing, that’s what. Even worse for the Balmain boys is that the new Robin Hood flick is out, and no doubt Russell Crowe has given the lads from Souths some free tickets to it, and come game-time they will be hepped up on ice-cream and Coke. The Tiges won’t know what hit them. Souths by at least seventy-eight billion points.

Sharks vs Panthers
I saw the end of Shark Boy vs Lava Girl the other day, which has that guy from Twilight in it as Shark Boy, and the movie looked FUCKING TERRIBLE. I wouldn’t recommend watching it at all. It made sharks look seriously shit. It has pretty much taken all the awesomeness that Jaws gave them and turned it into a doily and put it on some horrible antique table that you aren’t allowed to put a drink onto. Panthers by a trillion.

Manly vs Eels
I can’t drive a wedge through either of these teams (not that I’ve tried), and I can’t separate them with an egg separator (again, I haven’t actually given it a go). It’s just too hard. Tip with your heart and soul. I’m going to tip with a pen and put a big ol’ circle around “Manly”.

The best tips in life are free.

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