Friday, December 19, 2008

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Six Ponting problems

It’s no secret that I don’t like Ricky Ponting, and people often stop me in the street to ask why. Well, they don’t really stop me, and I’m not in the street. Normally I go around to random houses, or ring people up and tell them why.

No, Ricky. I do not have a gun in my pocket, nor am I happy to see you.

Whenever Australia has a loss, or Ricky P is out for a low score (which happens quite a lot), there’s always an excuse. In the 2005 Ashes, when Australia lost the urn to the old enemy, Ponts was run out attempting a suicidal single. He immediately started yelling at the umpires and English players because he was run out by a substitute fielder. Girl. His latest excuse is that he has some kind of wrist injury. I’m not going to be crude about that, but I assume that he got it from wanking too much. Well he didn’t fucking get it from batting too long, did he? His other excuse is that he “received a jaffa” (an unplayable delivery). He gets a lot of this kind of delivery – pretty much anything that lands within the same state as him will be too much for Captain Ponting to handle.

No grit
When the pressure’s on, Rick will quite literally poo his pants. Rather than try and nut out an innings of determination rather than flamboyance, he’ll just lamely chop a ball onto his stumps and walk off the field, smash a beer and light his pipe. He can play on a flat pitch against Bangladesh though, make no mistake. His 100 in the game against the Indians was also priceless, especially considering we’d already lost the series.

His name is ROOTING in predictive text
When sending a short sms messaging service text message about my hatred of Ricky Ponting, I’ve noticed that my predictive text flashes up the word ‘rooting’ instead of ‘Ponting’. This has led to me sending a few texts out that say “I hate Rooting”, “Rooting is fucking useless” or “Shane Watson is better than Rooting.” It’s just sending out the wrong message (see what I did there?)

Too much spit
I’ve been through this before, but I’m still struggling with Ponting’s whole hand-spitting thing. It’s just gross. Shaking his hand would be like holding a fish that had been in a fat guy’s arse crack for about eighteen hours while he eats month-old curried cabbage sandwiches, and I don’t think I need to explain why they don’t sell those fish at the Belconnen Markets.

Still can’t play spin
I’m not the only one who’s noticed that for someone who has managed to somehow bash out a career of playing cricket, R.T. Ponting is still incapable of playing spin bowling. It’s like an English teacher being illiterate, or a pool cleaner being allergic to having a moustache. With Matty Hayden still in the team (not for much longer though), teams playing against Australia know that they’ve already got two wickets as soon as the Aussie openers take the field. Ponts might as well stay in the sheds and spit on his hands some more. Off-spinners, leg-spinners, left-arm orthodox, chinamen... spinners the world over must be lining up to have a crack at Ricky when he waddles out to the pitch. I’m surprised he even bothers to bring his bat with him these days.

Has ruined the name Ricky for everyone
The following people named Ricky would be better at cricket, make a better captain, and not look as much like a chipmunk as our current Aussie captain:
Rick Astley had some hits in the early 90s and then faded away. In the last few years, he has become famous again, thanks to YouTube and emails and all kinds of internet-related stuff. Ricky Ponting never had any hits ever, and yet refuses to go away. It’s bad manners.
Ricky Gervais, creator, writer, director and star of The Office is pretty fucking funny. Ponting has yet to do or say anything remotely amusing. Also, Gervais has a goatee like the one that Ponting had when he used to go out drinking and fighting; you know, back when he was almost cool.
Ricky Walford used to play rugby league for St George. He retired without a huge hurrah, and instead of catching up with him for a beer and a chat to find out what he’s been doing, I’d like to be able to flick on the telly and watch him lead Australia in cricket, and know immediately: he’s doing better than Ponts.
Rick James was a popular singer during the 70s and 80s (which already beats Ponting, who can't even spell 'popular'). Even though he’s dead, I think the Aussie cricket team would appreciate the ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ style of cricket that Rick James’ inclusion would allow.
Ricky Martin would work on bringing style and sex appeal to the game of cricket. I believe the Australian Twenty20 uniforms have actually been lifted from his closet (and probably not the only thing to come out of the closet, either. Eh? Eh? Yeah).
Ricky Bobby is the world’s greatest fictional Nascar racer. He’s even better than whoever Tom Cruise played in Days of Thunder, which is a fair achievement in itself. Hmm. Oh yeah, and Ricky Ponting sucks.
Ricky Stuart was recently fired, sorry, quit, from being the coach of the Australian rugby league side, so I guess he has some free time at the moment. Welcome to being captain of the cricket team, Mr Stuart. For the record, R. Stuart is angrier, swears more, and is slightly pudgier than R. Ponting, hence he would make a better cricketer. Also, he has an awesome kicking game and in my opinion, was a better half-back than Allan Langer.
Ricky May was a regular on Hey Hey It’s Saturday until his death in 1988. He was fucking massive, and could belt out a tune or two. This may not seem to add much to the case of him being better at cricket than our current captain, but since he’s not Ricky Ponting, he already wins that contest.
Ricki-Lee appeared on Idol a few years back, and is now in a tidy little hosting job. Apparently she sings, but that’s neither here nor there, because I think she’s also fairly attractive. I’m pretty sure Ricki-Lee wouldn’t get out to Indian spinner Harbajhan Singh as easily as Ponts does. I think I saw a game between New Zealand and England where Harbajhan was credited with Ponting’s wicket.
I haven’t seen Christina Ricci since the indie film Buffalo ‘66, but I do plan on renting Speed Racer when it comes out. I miss Christina Ricci. I saw Ricky Ponting today (on tv) and realised that I haven’t missed him at all.

Six Ponting problems, five drinking games, four random reviews, three ways to get rich, too many beers and a bright shiny new crowbar.

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