Tuesday, September 09, 2008

hottest postcode ever

Ah television. Ah 90210. Sweet dreams are made of these.

So 90210 is back with a brand new adventure, new kids, new teachers, same old shit, right? Right. Except this 90210 is as cheesy as a cheese sandwich, and the bread on that sandwich is made out of cheese and has cheese spread instead of butter.

Here's a quick recap of the first two episodes which aired last night. Apologies if I fuck anything up; to be honest I really wasn't paying too much attention and will no doubt have missed some kind of plot twist.

First and foremost, everything is the same as the old Beverly Hills 90210, except the names. We are introduced to the new Walshes... I can't remember their surname (see, I told you I'd fuck stuff up). There's the dad, who is the new principal at West Beverly High; Lori Loughlin plays the mum (and still looks smokin hot) and is some kind of photographer; and the obligatory kids - Annie and Dixon. Dix is also the token black kid who was adopted a few years back. No doubt he will spend the entire run of the show feeling "not quite part of the family". He is also an awesome Lacrosse player, which incidentally, is the new hot sport in Beverly Hills. There are no football, soccer, baseball or basketball teams to be found. Everyone's got a mask and a stick with a net thing on it. Awesome. There's nothing like trying to boost the profile of a relatively obscure sport by including it in a TV show. Party of Five should have had Bailey doing pole vault or curling or bocce.

Anyway, Day 1 at the new school sees Annie running into Ethan, an old flame from a few summers ago. He's getting a quick blow job before school. Nice start to the day for everyone. Then Annie meets Ethan's girlfriend, who was not the one giving him head earlier. Shock horror. I wonder what's going to happen there?

Girlfriend is otherwise known as Naomi, a rich chick who looks at least 43. Apparently it's her 'sweet 16' on Friday (bullshit), and Annie is invited (obviously). Naomi is also in trouble in English, because she hasn't handed in her paper on "The Tale of Two Cities". Annie has one that she did at her old school (handy) which she 'lends' to Naomi for 'inspiration'. I wonder what's going to happen there?

Dixon gets into a fight at Lacrosse training and is kicked off the team. I think it's because he's black. The coach of Lacrosse is also the English teacher, who is so far, the only teacher we've met. I hope there are more teachers out there somewhere, because there seems to be a lot of kids. He also looks about the same age as them, although we know that he's meant to be older because he has stubble.

So there's the first day of school. Mine was less exciting, but then, I don't live in Beverly Hills.

Day 2:

Dixon is back in the Lacrosse team, after some guy tells the coach that it wasn't Dixon's fault that he got into a fight. Phew. Glad that's settled. I'm sure Dixon will now fly straight after that minor Lacrosse-related scare.

Annie is pissed cause Naomi cheated by handing in Annie's old essay. Eh. What did you think would happen? Annie's old man, el Principal, finds out (of course, he's surely not too busy that he can't read every single essay written by every single student and compare it to his children's work) and possibly grounds her. I can't remember. Naomi's mum and Annie's dad used to date in high school. She's still mad that he broke up with her. Twenty years ago. Right. I wonder what's going to happen there?

Dixon sends Naomi a text message telling her that Ethan is cheating on her. I have no idea how he got her number so quickly, so I'll just step over that plot-hole and keep on trucking. For being her bestie, Naomi buys Annie an $800 dress for her party. Eh, I'd cheat on essays if I could get those kinds of rewards as well. Seriously though, kids now have the internet with its wikipedia and googles and all kinds of awesomeness, so there's really no need to cheat off another student. That's just lazy, Naomi. Anyway, she gets another chance to prove herself by writing the essay again. Seriously, I'm sure even Charles Dickens doesn't care if she doesn't understand the book or not. It's not worth writing another fucking essay over. Let's move on, people.

Annie meets hot guy Ty, the richest kid at West Beverly. They're both trying out for the school musical. Sparks are flying, and we know this because they both look awkward and smile a lot.

It's party night (finally - I was kind of sick hearing Naomi say, "I am so stressed about my party") and Naomi and Ethan break up (sad) because she gets the text from Dixo about how Ethan's cheating on her. It wasn't even really emotional for the characters, so even less so for the viewers. The party is at "The Pit", which is "The Peach Pit" that the old 90210ers used to hang out at, only, you know, without the "Peach", and instead of serving hamburgers and chips, it's now a bar that willingly serves 15-year olds martinis and wine, which I'm sure is a government-sponsored move to cut down on obese children and turn them into hornbag alcoholics.

Annie and co leave the party, and wind up meeting Ethan at the beach. He's just come in from surfing. Apparently he brought his wetsuit and surfboard to the Pit, you know, just in case. I'm sure Dixon had his Lacrosse stick handy, too. Ethan and Annie hang out for a bit at her place and reminisce about the time they spent together. It's fairly obvious that he's a smidge in love with her. Aw. And then I remember that yesterday he was bagging Naomi and getting chops from every other slut at West Beverly, and realise that I don't care.

Some other Lacrosse team from rival school breaks into West Bev and trashes the place. They did a good job too; I guess security at this school is fairly slack. Somehow it is decided that the Lacrosse team has to clean it all up, and then Principal Dad warns the team, "Don't retaliate."
The Lacrosse team immediately set out to devise a plan on how to retaliate.
Dixon steals some pigs from the set of a porn film (seriously) and lets them loose in the other school. Principal Dad is not happy. He cuts the whole team until someone owns up. Dixon owns up. Everyone's back in the team except him now. Principal Dad says, "Ah fuck it, I got up to some shit at school too. You're back on the team." Phew. I was worried that he wouldn't be allowed to play for another 13 seconds there.

Day 3: Annie is in the school play. The school play is to be directed by Shannon Doherty, who is wearing her best, "Fuck, am I seriously back on this show as a parody of myself?" grin through the whole thing. After school, Ty flies Annie to San Francisco for dinner. It's a pretty good first date, apparently. I would have taken her to the movies or something, you know, because that's what 15-year olds do. It seems I was doing it all wrong.

Annie is obviously in trouble for going to another city for a date with a guy she met the day before, and was also somehow responsible for her alcoholic, oversexed grandmother to be involved in a car accident. By-the-by, I hated the granny character, but was also glad that they didn't cast the old duck from The Wedding Singer, because she's kind of been typecast as "awkward old duck". But she sneaks out anyway and has a snog with Ty - Annie, not the granny, or the woman from The Wedding Singer. Ethan has a present for her - a stuffed octopus that they won at a fair when they met three years ago - but he catches them in the snogging act and seems a bit upset. Aw. Wait, he was getting a lot of sex just two days ago. Not interested in your problems, Efan. Go fuck your octopus.

Principal Dad also got Naomi's mum preggers back in high school. He thought she got an abortion - she didn't, and now she hates him because he never supported the son he didn't know he had that she never told him about. Prick. He tells this to his hot wife, who strangely finds this arousing, and they go about making out and having the sex. I'm pretty sure that kind of come-on line wouldn't normally work, but good luck to anyone who wants to try it.

Quite an introduction to school life at West Beverly, really.

My summary:
This is less 90210 and more OC meets Dawson's Creek. It's not spectacular, and you won't punch yourself in the face with a stapler for missing an episode, but people may not punch you with a stapler for liking it either. My biggest problem is why anyone would care about these people - if you can take a girl you just met to San Francisco for dinner when you're 15, I'm pretty sure I won't give a shit if you fail Maths after studying all night, or if you get hit in the groin by a Lacrosse ball. And yes, I know the whole idea is that "behind their money, they all just want to find love and happiness and a sense of self-accomplishment blah blah blah," but I'm gonna put it out there and say that if you're buying an $800 dress for someone you've known for a day, making that 'special person' feel 'special' won't be too much of an issue.

I give 90210 a goat, two penguins and a stapler.


Anonymous said...

Mr Evil Breakfast, you are awesome. I thought about plugging my TV in to watch 90210, but I think your updates are just heaps cooler. Keep it up!

philbert83au said...

All I saw was Hottest Postcode Ever and thought it was still MEBCAM and you were talking 2902. I was wrong. And I missed 90210 both last week and this week, so I guess I won't be needing a stapler anyway.