Monday, August 18, 2008

Canberra - The Olympic City

Olympic fever has certainly gripped the world, with conversations about sprints and marathons and weightlifters and Greco-Roman wrestling dominating the water cooler for the past few weeks. Beijing certainly has a range of impressive venues like the Bird's Nest and the Giant Mattress of Water. Nice work, Chinese peeps.

And Canberra, a leader in world sophistication and the envy of cities everywhere, sits back and watches.

In an attempt to bring the world "the greatest Olympic Games ever," Canberra is preparing a bid for the 2016 Games. And why not? We already have most of the facilities already set up - we're just waiting for the athletes to turn up.

With a capacity of around 35,000 (around 40-45,000 if you let the kids sit on the grass around the sidelines), Canberra Stadium (formerly Bruce Stadium) will be home of the Opening Ceremony, which will be all kinds of awesome. This intimate setting will allow drunken members of the crowd to yell abuse at the marching athletes, and also give the athletes able chance to physically assault them back without trouble. The Canberra Raiderettes will provide the entertainment with their intricate dancing and synchronised moves that tell the story of the "Macarena" and whatever shit Pink has released that year. The Olympic Flame* will be lit by 13-year old kids from the Belconnen Bus Interchange flicking cigarettes into a plastic wheelie bin.
*lighting of the flame may not happen due to extreme fire danger.

Canberra Stadium (formerly Bruce Stadium), home of the mighty, giant-killing Canberra Raiders and the over-paid, low-achieving ACT Brumbies will also be the centre of attention for the athletics leg of the Games. Spectators are warned to bring cash to the Stadium though, as there is only one ATM in the whole place. In terms of the track and field competition, I'm fairly sure there's enough space on the field for everything to be going on at the same time. If not, they can learn to share.

Anyone who's ever visited, lived in or flown over the city of Canberra will realise that each and every road has a bike-path that is predominantly bike-free, so the cycling street races have never been more awesome or scenic, as athletes will be treated to a city without the dangers of pollution or terrorist attacks, and be able to cycle up and around Telstra Tower, past Questacon and the National Library, through the "Orange Tunnel" and into the heart of the mess that they've made on Caswell Drive, before finishing on the marbled steps of Parliament House. Fucking sweet. I'd probably buy a bike if it meant I could take part. Cycling athletes are not permitted to take advantage of the buses that have the bike racks on the front of them. I'm still trying to work that shit out myself.

The cycling pursuit events can be held in the storm-water drains in various suburbs. I know there's a Velodrome already built in Fadden or something, but I'm buggered if I'm going there to watch it. I'll get stuck on Bugden Ave and won't be seen again.

Soccer - nup. Get rid of it.

Softball - already gotten rid of.

European handball - to be played at EPIC - preferably before they have Oktoberfest there, because otherwise the floors will be sticky with spilt "German" beer, vomit and possibly some blood. I love celebrating being so damn German. I would also like to introduce "schoolyard handball" into the Olympics, and have it played at any school ground in Canberra. Each match must be agreed as to whether there are "intoes" allowed, "spooks", "rolls-to-the-death" or "rolls-replay", "full played" or "full-played-forgotten", whether "waxing" is allowed, and if so, opens the game to "secret waxing". There must also be some Year 9 punks on hand to pick up tennis balls that go out of play, which they can then either peg at the fattest player on the handball court, or throw onto the roof of the main building. Athletes have the choice of dobbing the Year 9 kid to a nearby teacher, which will get the ball back, but result in being stuffed into a locker at a later date.

Equestrian - there are heaps of paddocks around, so take your pick. Equestrian must only be allowed into the Canberra Olympics if the horses get a medal as well. Note: The archery and shooting events will all be held at the same venue at the same time. Extra points to the horse who can maintain its stupid walking/dancing dressage pattern while being shot at.

Gymnastics can be held at my old school gym. Athletes must make sure they put all the mats away after they use them though, including the giant blue crash mat. And no fucking around while they do it, the teachers aren't in the mood to have to rescue some idiot gymnast from Mexico who's been buried in old, dusty mats by some Ukranian bully.

Swimming events can be held at Macquarie Pool (I refuse to call it Big Splash), but only in the three lanes they have open for laps. If you get hit by a stray tennis ball, it's your own fault. Athletes may also opt to compete whilst going down the waterslides, although causing a blockage in the slides (especially on the Family Slide) will result in penalties, and your Slide Pass wrist-band will be confiscated. Races will also be held going down the Hurricane Twins. Athletes attending the Macquarie Pool events are advised to wear sandals or thongs, as there are a lot of prickles on the grass.

The kayak and canoes and sailboats and whatnot events don't interest me, so if they still want to do them, they can head to Lake Burley Griffin or Kambah Pool or something. I don't see why they can't organise their own things - they should just sms each other and say, "'LOL man ill b @ LBG tomoz @ 10 4 a race. u in?' and the other guys can reply with, "yeh sounds gd. c u den!" or "cn we make it l8r? i hav 2 go 2 my cuzs wedding lol who gets married during olympix?" and then "howz 5?" "yeh i think dats ok. will txt u if not. LOL mite hav 2 make it da nxt day evn!" "LOL yeh".
I love rowers.

The Marathon will be run close to my street, so I can watch from my balcony. But I'm not watching the whole thing; that shit gets boring. The course will lead them to the IGA at the bottom of my hill, where they are required to do some shopping and bring me beer and ice-cream (I'll provide a full shopping list closer to the event), and they can drop it off on my doorstep. They may also wash my car in lieu of this (water restrictions permitting).

Beach volleyball - nup. Get rid of it. We've got volleyball, just enjoy that.

Fencing will be replaced by battles of Street Fighter 2 - which can still be played at Theo's Take Away for 60c a game ($1 for double play). Athletes must decide whether to have normal salt or chicken salt during the event, and eat at least two potato scollops whilst competing.

The Athlete's Village is to be located at the University of Canberra student residences. Food to be provided by Baker Bob and Bagel Bob, with assistance from the G-Spot food wagon, 24-hour Drive-Thru McDonalds in Belconnen and cheap steak night at the Lighthouse. They can also eat at the Olympic venues, and choose to feast on traditional Australian/Canberran fare such as pies and sauce, sausage rolls and sauce, hot dogs and sauce, chips and sauce and noodles left over from the Multicultural Festival, all of which are burning on the outside and frozen in the middle. Sauce is 20c extra.

The Closing Ceremony (at Canberra Stadium [formerly Bruce Stadium], naturally) will involve a final showdown between Victor the Viking, Brumbie Jack, the pig from Hog's Breath, and the dog and cockatoo from Bate's Pet Paradise in a cage match. My money is on Victor, due to experience in the suit, but the Bate's Pet Paradise mascots have been biffing for years, and could surprise everyone.

With the crowd of athletes looking on, the Olympic Flame will be extinguished by Todd Carney in his usual manner, who will then jump into a ute and fang it out of there, taking the baton to the next delegate (hopefully they're in Goulburn, cause that's where Carney will probably go). With the smell of burnt rubber still fresh in the air, the sky will erupt in a decidedly half-arsed fireworks display, and the crowd will leave early, to "avoid the rush in the carpark." And so, as the curtain falls on Canberra 2016, the cleaners around Canberra Stadium will be the only ones there to hurry the athletes out so everyone can get home in time to watch Rove.


Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention possies and 'dorts' in schoolyard handball section.

Anonymous said...

Agreed; the use of 'dorts' could lead to heated international disputes on the handball sidelines. Personally, I think they should be allowed. As too should rolls to the death... nothing like bleeding fingertips!