Mister Evil Breakfast’s People I’d Like To Punch #3:
You probably know someone like this – you might even be that person, and secretly proud of it.
You’re a wanker.
You are the person who has just downloaded every tv show, movie and documentary ever. I ask you about an episode of Party of Five, where tragedy strikes the Salinger family. You know the one, it was not-to-be-missed television. Yep, I’ve got it, you say, proud as Avril Lavigne at rhyming ‘better’ with ‘like, so whatever’.
Where did you get it? inquiring minds want to know.
The smile drops from your face like David Hasselhoff on a hamburger. Your reply is short and useless, like Fred Savage. The internet.
The internet? You wanknut.
What on earth is this wondrous interthing of which you speak? I have been in a coma for the last 27 years of my life and have no idea what you are talking about. It just seems too complicated to bother thinking about. The internet? I’ll just sit here with my stone tools and make grunting noises like Paris Hilton.
You wanktard. The internet is a pretty large place. I’d say it would probably rival Casey Donovan in terms of size, and may even be slightly more entertaining. Last time I checked, there’s more than just one site on there now. Why not save me a bit of time and tell me the site name? I’d rather not go through a thousand freakin crappy fansites about the episode where Bailey smiled so wide his dimples caused a ripple in the space/time continuum and Neve Campbell saw into the future (and it looked bleak; not even her making out with Denise Richards could save her. [But thanks for the memories]) just to find this one episode. Where did you download it?
There’s heaps of sites, comes your swift reply. Almost as swift as my pet shark eating your elbows, I think to myself. Ever tried to use a mouse without elbows? Your arms would get really tired, and you wouldn’t be able to download anything. Seriously, it would suck arse.
Yes, there are heaps of sites, wankface, that’s why I asked. Don’t tell me it’s too complicated for me to understand; I invented the interwebs, wankarse.
You’re the person who has a new pair of shoes, a shirt, a CD or DVD that you bought off the internet, and you’re just that little bit too proud of it. Look at me, you say. I purchased this from a computer. I have split the atom.
How dare anyone else be interested in the things that I am, you say to yourself. I am unique and special and if anyone else has a t-shirt with Pac Man on it, I will lose my edge over the rest of society.
Where did you purchase it?
The internet. Next time, just tell me you bought while you were trekking through the Philippines, and the shop that you bought it from has since been washed away by mudslides and tsunamis. To be honest, I was just making conversation anyway, and you look like a tool.
You're a wanker. Google that.