Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Mr Evil Blogfast

Mister Evil Breakfast’s People I’d Like To Punch #3:
Websnob


You probably know someone like this – you might even be that person, and secretly proud of it.

You’re a wanker.

You are the person who has just downloaded every tv show, movie and documentary ever. I ask you about an episode of Party of Five, where tragedy strikes the Salinger family. You know the one, it was not-to-be-missed television. Yep, I’ve got it, you say, proud as Avril Lavigne at rhyming ‘better’ with ‘like, so whatever’.
Where did you get it? inquiring minds want to know.
The smile drops from your face like David Hasselhoff on a hamburger. Your reply is short and useless, like Fred Savage. The internet.

The internet? You wanknut.

What on earth is this wondrous interthing of which you speak? I have been in a coma for the last 27 years of my life and have no idea what you are talking about. It just seems too complicated to bother thinking about. The internet? I’ll just sit here with my stone tools and make grunting noises like Paris Hilton.

You wanktard. The internet is a pretty large place. I’d say it would probably rival Casey Donovan in terms of size, and may even be slightly more entertaining. Last time I checked, there’s more than just one site on there now. Why not save me a bit of time and tell me the site name? I’d rather not go through a thousand freakin crappy fansites about the episode where Bailey smiled so wide his dimples caused a ripple in the space/time continuum and Neve Campbell saw into the future (and it looked bleak; not even her making out with Denise Richards could save her. [But thanks for the memories]) just to find this one episode. Where did you download it?
There’s heaps of sites, comes your swift reply. Almost as swift as my pet shark eating your elbows, I think to myself. Ever tried to use a mouse without elbows? Your arms would get really tired, and you wouldn’t be able to download anything. Seriously, it would suck arse.
Yes, there are heaps of sites, wankface, that’s why I asked. Don’t tell me it’s too complicated for me to understand; I invented the interwebs, wankarse.

You’re the person who has a new pair of shoes, a shirt, a CD or DVD that you bought off the internet, and you’re just that little bit too proud of it. Look at me, you say. I purchased this from a computer. I have split the atom.

How dare anyone else be interested in the things that I am, you say to yourself. I am unique and special and if anyone else has a t-shirt with Pac Man on it, I will lose my edge over the rest of society.
Where did you purchase it?
The internet. Next time, just tell me you bought while you were trekking through the Philippines, and the shop that you bought it from has since been washed away by mudslides and tsunamis. To be honest, I was just making conversation anyway, and you look like a tool.

You're a wanker. Google that.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mr Football would like to punch people that skip on buying you a drink cos you have been to the can. e.g. I am at a bar watching the footy with a some mates. we are buying the beers in rounds. I bought the last round of four beers, i go to take a slash and some cunt has gone ane bought three beers and left me out. When I inquire about the where abouts of my beer, he says "you missed the round you tossers." For fucks sake, surely this guy is the tosser not me.

Definitley somebody to punch. It wont take the average ounter to work out what football team he follows.

Mr Football

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Since I know fuck all and nothing about your football, Mr Football, I'm going to assume that it's the Shmower. And everyone hates Collingwood, so it could be that one too. Fuck.

Anonymous said...

Mr Evil B, you are one smart bloke.
It certainly was the shmower.

Mr Football

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the person in question said "the internet" and no more because they gave you the benefit of the doubt of haveing at least a modicum of intelligence in order to find it yourself. "There's heaps of sites" -- what the fuck else are they going to say??? "Yeah the torrent is located at www.ilovethebuttsecks.com/skjduas8796das/poop/sdihsdf76ds8f76sd/negative abillion/sdkjhasdkjfhs32333333/zorbathegreekRULEZXZZZZZ!!?!?!!?.torrent.bort.wiki

Idiot. If you invented the intarwebs and are so savvy with it's tubes, couldn't you, you know, type the name of the show in the search bar? Or is that too much, wankadoodle arsewank wanktard wankwank?

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Ok fuckbag, perhaps you didn't read the issue... I didn't type it into the search bar because I didn't want to go through a thousand fansites about the show. FUCK! You didn't even have to read between the lines on that one. All I wanted from this fuckbag was for him to tell me which site he got it from. "Where did you buy that badger?" "Ebay." Acceptable. "Where did you get that coffee mug?" "Internet." Not acceptable.

Get it, fuckbag?

Anonymous said...

Oh I'm worried about the issue. The Big Issue. You know, that homeless paper. I bet you read that, because you're homeless. A hobo-style homeless bum. With a bindle.

Billyzane said...

You bought a badger!! That's cool

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Fuck Billy - way to post a comment on a 4-year old blog.

Lucky you're still a cool guy.