If you find yourself thinking, "Hey that sounds like me!" as you read this list, you'd better be on the lookout for a pirate with a big right hook, cause that's me about to punch you into next week so I can track you down and punch you again.
In no particular order:
People who wear their sunglasses on the back of their head.
I’m not sure I really need to explain this; these people are fucking useless. My punch would be directed at the back of their sunglassed head, and then when they turn around, BANG, right in the hooter, as a reminder of where their sunglasses really should be.
People who use mobile phones in a nightclub.
BANG. Right in the mouth. And then in the ear. How’s that conversation going now, arsehead?
People who keep track of how many drinks they’ve had on a night out.
Seriously, no one cares, and if you can remember it a week later, you obviously weren’t drinking to your full potential. I’d keep punching you until I sobered up.
Conversation makers at the urinals.
Seriously. Just piss and shut up. I’m not interested. Talk to me while we're in the toilet and I’ll punch you in the back of the head so you fall into the trough and you can still taste urinal cakes four weeks later.
Bogan parents with shitty little ugly, smelly bogan kids who have snot dribbling down their chin who like to punch you in the nuts as you walk past them in the street.
I think I’ve explained that one pretty well already. They get a punch in their own little bogan nuts, in the hope that this may stop them procreating. It’s not that I don’t mind punching small children in the head, but I’d just rather not get snot on my hands.