So… the environment is decaying, right? All because we’re too busy having three hour showers, driving our cars around and leaving the fridge door open all day. Well sue me if I prefer to drink my butter in the evening. No matter what you do, you’re never going to be able to avoid all those hippies out there who expect you to shower in your toilet, knock down your house to plant a tree, only eat the fruit which the magical gay unicorn has deemed appropriate and who kick you in the arse for having another exhaust pipe tacked onto the back of your SUV. And now Winter is on its cold, miserable way, and we’re bound to get told by Sandra Sully sooner or later that having heating is just not good for the world. Well excuse me, Sandra, but we can’t all use our millions of dollars to keep us warm, can we? Heaters apparently create carbon shit and produce greenhouse emissions and contribute to global warming. Apparently this isn’t such a good thing, even though it is, in the end, the desired effect.
And so, in accordance with the Kyoto Protocol II, I present:
Mister Evil Breakfast’s Handy Enviro Hints.
- setting fire to someone in your living room provides a lot of warmth, heat and entertainment, so you can switch off the heater, lights and television for a night of good old fashioned fun.
- deodorants are a major contributor to the hole in the ozone layer due to their high levels of CFCs. Instead of wearing deodorant, try these alternatives: 1. wear Pine-Fresh air fresheners instead of necklaces and earrings; 2. be like a real hippie and avoid physical labour or activity, just sit around and complain about everything; 3. don’t ever go out in public again.
- cars pollute an awful lot. How about leaving the car at home and walking to work? Hippies don’t mind walking to work – it does help that they’re unemployed and can thus spend their day wandering between the bong and the hammock.
- Showers and baths use a lot of water, most of which is wasted. Here’s how you should now go about showering:
1. Stand in a bucket whilst under the flow of water. This will collect all water from the shower.
2. When lathering soap or shampoo, turn off all running water. Pneumonia is a small price to pay for a healthy planet.
3. Rinse soap (as long as it’s chemically approved by the Tree Huggers Union of Cosmos 9)
4. Take bucket/s out of shower. Use this water in which to wash your clothes.
5. DO NOT USE A DRYER TO DRY YOUR CLOTHES. A clothesline or airing rack will do just fine. If your clothes do not dry in time, wear them anyway. This will prevent you from sweating, and should give you another two or three wears out of each shirt.
6. Take the water from the washing and use it to clean up any plates, crockery or cutlery that you have used.
7. The water should by now be pretty cloudy, with chunks of food floating on top. Bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Serves 4.
- A lot of people leave lights on unnecessarily, which adds a lot of carbon to the atmosphere. If you were to collect all the carbon from one house’s light switch emissions and put it into a bag, you’d need a big bag, apparently. To cut back on your light use, try poking out your eyes.
- Microwaves are very harmful to everyone (except cockroaches, apparently). They melt and mutate things (and are NO good at reheating a cold McDonalds burger). Here’s a handy tip: Hunt your own food and cook it yourself. Hitting a cow with a couple of grenades will give you the juiciest, most tender steak you’ve ever had.
- Take along a bucket to your next sporting event. Collecting the spit from the Australian Cricket team or football team could help many drought stricken areas in rural Australia. The amount of spit from last week’s Brisbane vs Titans NRL match, for example, was enough to open a new waterslide theme park, and actually caused some flood damage in parts of New South Wales.
Come on, Australia. We can make this great brown land a little bit more green.
If we all pull together, it would be kind of gay.