Monday, April 16, 2007

Mister Punching Breakfast

People I'd Love To Punch #2: Boyd from Neighbours

I’d love to punch Boyd from Neighbours. Really hard. Repeatedly.

Boyd is a young up-and-comer in the world that is Ramsay Street. He has been married and separated; is blasting his way through a degree in medicine so fast that I’m surprised he hasn’t opened his own surgery since Dr Karl closed office and single-handedly saved baby Kerry's life... and possibly Stingray's as well. Fuck, he could have brought Madge back to life if he really wanted (he just doesn't want to). At the very least, he’s cured cancer and several strains of bird flu in his spare time. He’s been ‘addicted’ to ‘drugs’; lost, found then lost his father; boinked a chick that he found in Tasmania senseless for two weeks, then left his wife for her, then left her for his wife; and still finds time to be a dishpig at the local bar. All this, and he’s only about 19 years old, as well as being possibly the ugliest man alive, with what can only be described as “big fat girly arms” that he continues to flaunt with gay abandon (and I mean gay) under countless singlets and pink tank-tops. His own mother is the only one who tells him he’s handsome (haven’t we all been there?) and I guess if you squint really hard at your tv, it just might be true. Especially if the tv is turned off.
But physical abnormalities aside (except for his little piggy eyes, those things freak me out. I mean, his head is WAY too big for eyes that small) it’s really his acting (I use that term loosely) that annoys me the most.

Here is a typical scene from Neighbours:

SUSAN
Hi Boyd, how are you?

BOYD
Just fine, Susan, what’s been going on? How was your holiday?

SUSAN
Just wonderful, thanks. It’s amazing what a bit of sun and relaxation can do.

BOYD
Yeah, I’d love a holiday soon, but the money’s too tight.

SUSAN
Well, if you’re after some extra cash, I hear Ned is buying used pink singlets. Maybe you could sell him some of yours?

BOYD
Thanks, that sounds great.

After Boyd (which isn’t even a real name, what the fuck is wrong with Neighbours? Boyd, Jenae, Pepper, Ringo… don’t even get me started on Fraser… it’s a fucking spell-checker’s worst nightmare, seriously) gets his hands on the script, he makes some “artistic” changes (noted in bold):

SUSAN
Hi Boyd, how are you?

BOYD (angry look #2)
Just fine Susan, how are you? (sneer) How was your holiday? (sneer)

SUSAN
Just wonderful, thanks. It’s amazing what a bit of sun and relaxation can do.

BOYD (angry look #2a)
(sneer)
Yeah, I’d love a holiday soon, but money’s a bit tight. (shifty look #7)

SUSAN
Well, if you’re after some extra cash, I hear Ned is buying used pink singlets. Maybe you could sell him some of yours?

BOYD (loud)
Thanks, (sneer) that sounds great. (angry look #8 or shifty look #42)

But it’s good to see that Boyd’s finally going to sneer his way into a scene that he might be able to do well, as he bails up his ex-wife in his house and sneers at her this week. But since it’s Boyd, he’ll fuck it up and offer her tea instead.

PUNCH!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would punch Boyd's sister, Summer out. She is fuckin slag. I hate that bitch more than I hate Melbourne Football Club.

Mr Football

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

I understand how you feel, but with the genes that Summer is coming from, it's quite expected for her to be a bit fucked up as well. For fuck's sake, her mum's going out with a bloke called Toad. I weep for the family.

Anonymous said...

To be fair to Karl's medical record, he did bugger up Helen Martin's treatment and caused her death, if memory served me right.
-philbert83

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

These things will happen, Phil. Since Karl was the only doctor in the whole of Victoria for a long time (until new hot doc arrived, in any case), mistakes were only a matter of time.

The real question is: When did anyone mention Karl's medical record?

Another question is: Who the hell is Helen Martin?

And finally: Who invented socks?

Anonymous said...

Helen Martin was Philip's mother and Hannah's grandmother. That was like 1996 though, so if there isn't a wikipaedia page it could be probably agreed that it didn't happen.
-philbert83

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Phil, I like your style. Answer me these questions three:

1. Who would win in a fight between a pirate and a viking?

2. Who is Philip?

3. Who would you like to punch (either from the Neighbours universe or not)?

Anonymous said...

1. It could be argued that marauding and sea-going vikings are pirates but pirates are not always vikings as they tend to lack the helmets. Therefore, I think on balance I should answer pirates, so as to cover the field.

2. Philip...he was on playschool too. He then played the father of a few girls. I think they 'moved to Queensland' not long before Madge died. Probably asked for more money.

3. I haven't been watching neighbours in order to make a valid response, but Tad was always total poonce. Failing that, someone on the Liberal front bench.

Going back to socks, I'm going to consult another great comical website - the Conservapedia. Apparently socks like everything were created by the Lord God. The site however takes a good dig at those pesky evolutionist scientists about their inability to explain the 'missing sock phenomenon'.
-philbert83