Friday, May 05, 2017

NRL 2017: Representative Round. More like Reprehensible, amirite?

Welcome to Representative Round in the NRL, probably my favourite round after ANZAC Round, Women in League Round, Heritage Round, Rivalry Round, Marvel Superhero Round, Indigenous Round, White Ribbon Round, Pink Ribbon Round, and Like A Record Baby Right Round Round Round.

I always thought that representing Australia in sport would pretty much be the highest accolade you could achieve. You are one of the best players of this game in the entire country. There are 24 million people in Australia that are not as good as you. That’s pretty sweet.

And then there’s the Australian rugby league team, which seems to be picked based on the jersey sizes that they have available, a raffle, or some kind of Hunger Games style “I volunteer as tribute” lottery. There’s no other reason why Trent Merrin would be a part of this team if it was based on skill or fitness. Or good looks. Actually, let’s go through the whole team so I can piss on everyone:

Australian team:

1. Darius Boyd

Darius isn’t in the greatest form of his life, but at least he’s not Billy Slater.

2. Blake Ferguson

Is guaranteed to get injured about 50 minutes into the game.

3. Josh Dugan

Is not a centre.

4. Will Chambers

Is not even one of the four best centres at his club.

5. Valentine Holmes

Doesn’t play wing for his club either.

6. Johnathan Thurston
Is injured.

7. Cooper Cronk

In his mind he has already retired.

8. Andrew Fifita

Was only named because literally everyone else in the world is injured.
Also announced that he was playing for Tonga and was named in their side, but has happily and easily given them the brush off to play for Australia. Good bloke all round. Fits into this squad pretty well.

9. Cameron Smith

Fuck it, who else are you going to pick?

10. David Klemmer

I wonder when Klemmer’s shallow grave collection is going to be discovered?

11. Boyd Cordner

Probably the only good selection in the team so far.

12. Matt Gillett

Yeah, I guess.

13. Trent Merrin

Go fuck yourself.

Interchange Bench:

14. Michael Morgan

No mate.

15. Tyson Frizell

Yeah good call.

16. Jake Trbojevic

Why is the bench better than the starting team?

17. Sam Thaiday

Sack Mal.

Look, if we’re not going to take this shit seriously, let’s just not even have Test matches.

I think New Zealand would agree.

I'm not saying that this guy has definitely killed and eaten someone, but I bet he has.

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