Welcome to NRL Valhalla, where it’s non-stop State of Origin shenanigans from your morning line of coke to your last rooftop Cruiser. This is what all NRL fans look forward to all year, which is weird that it’s kind of in the middle of the season. It’s state against state, mate against mate, plate against plate, figure-of-eight against figure-of-eight, basal metabolic rate against basal metabolic rate.
As always, the main discussion from the punters has revolved around the player selections for Australian rugby league’s Night of Nights. This year, there has been an unexpected twist on proceedings though, as instead of just NSW picking 17 rubbish players, QLD have joined in on the fun too. After years of selecting the greatest athletes that Australia can muster, those crazy, backwards, inbred bastards have finally done it: they didn’t pick a fully fit and in-form Billy Slater.
I wonder how that phone call went:
“Hey Billy, we aren’t picking you. We’ve decided that we owe it to Dane Gagai and Corey Oates to keep them in the side. And we can’t break up the Chambers and O’Neill centre pairing. I guess this explains just how much we think of you.”
This is the first real look at the future of what the Queensland State of Origin team will be like – Cronk and Thurston will be retiring, Inglis is as busted as my left toenail, and Slater has apparently slept with the coach’s wife.
For those playing at home, here’s the team and my thoughts on the selection:
1 Darius Boyd
Would be a great player if he wasn’t afraid to take a tackle.
2 Corey Oates
Looks like he should be a really good player. He isn’t, but he looks like he should be.
3 Will Chambers
“Well, if we picked Corey Oates, I guess we’ve set a precedence for mediocrity.”
4 Justin O’Neill
“Why stop our mediocrity with Chambers?”
5 Dane Gagai
It’s beyond a joke now. Are you sure there’s not four shitter players you can put into your backline?
6 Anthony Milford
Remember how NSW kept picking players who were really, really terrible – like Reynolds and Soward and Hodkinson, and essentially ruined their representative careers? It’s nice that QLD have adopted a similar approach. I can’t wait for this little fat fuck to just fucking fuck off.
7 Cooper Cronk
Well, it’s nice that someone gets their swansong game, and it might as well be the guy that deserves it the least.
8 Dylan Napa
If giving away a lot of penalties and being ugly is your thing, who am I to judge?
9 Cameron Smith
Nice of Cam to take a break from drowning puppies in his spare time to play a little footy.
10 Nate Myles
Nate Fucking Myles? Jesus, why not just give Artie Beetson a call-up? Yes, I know he’s dead. It’s sad.
11 Josh Papalii
Worst haircut in the NRL, and that’s saying something. Also called the cops on himself twice because he was drink-driving. I would have just called a cab instead.
12 Matt Gillett
Best second rower in the world, according to Matt Gillett and Matt Gillett’s mum.
13 Josh McGuire
So bland that you sometimes think that Corey Parker is still out there.
14 Michael Morgan
Everyone’s favourite “go to” man when you need someone to not do a job as well as another bloke, but also need someone to blame when it goes balls-up.
15 Sam Thaiday
Only gets picked so that he can retire earlier and get a job on Fox Sports. Hopefully it happens pretty soon; those jerseys don’t go past XXXXL.
16 Aidan Guerra
When I was younger, it used to be considered an honour to be selected to play for Queensland. They had this weird passion and aggression that bordered on psychotic. Now they just hand out positions to anyone who looks (and plays) a bit retarded.
17 Jacob Lillyman
Fuck me, this really is the “Make a Wish” Foundation, isn’t it?
And in the Blue corner...
1 James Tedesco
Is absolutely incapable of passing, has terrible teeth and is nowhere near as good as people have told him.
2 Blake Ferguson
Despite him being a decent performer – especially in big games – I really wouldn’t want him in my team. He’d diddle my
Cruisers and then try and hit up every woman I’ve ever known.
3 Josh Dugan
A broken old man who once went over 500 days without a try assist and then asked for more money. Noice.
4 Jarryd Hayne
Failed at American Football and Rugby 7s, and will most likely keep up his current form.
5 Brett Morris
I think BMoz seems like a decent bloke and all, but surely to fuck there are better players out there who aren’t 90 years old with mechanical hips? I’m just happy that they didn’t pick both of the Morris twins, because I can never remember which one the good one is.
6 James Maloney
Looks like the kind of guy who actually would try and do the “put your dick through the hole in a popcorn box trick” but also be the guy who eats the popcorn and then whacks off in the cinema.
7 Mitchell Pearce
Is there only so the media can continue to run headlines about how he has “redeemed himself” and “turned a corner” and doesn’t "sexually assault women" or “fuck dogs” or “piss on people’s couches” anymore. Fuck Mitchell, watch out that someone doesn't steal your halo.
8 Aaron Woods
So soft that NASA want to research him so astronauts going to Mars have something nice to lie on.
9 Nathan Peats
Was only picked because people thought he should have been picked last year. Fuck it, at least it’s not Robbie Farah again. At this this time someone might even get a pass out of dummy half.
10 Andrew Fifita
The biggest dickhead in the entire NRL, which is quite an achievement. Unfortunately he is also playing really quite well. But then, anyone in the same team as Aaron Woods will have to work pretty hard. We are all anticipating which convicted killer he’ll be supporting this year.
11 Josh Jackson
The only person in the entire world that rates him would be some delusional Rabbitohs fan. Looks like he enjoys watching commercials because they don’t go for too long.
12 Boyd Cordner
Yeah he’s pretty good. Is captain by default. Has a superhero chin, which is always useful.
13 Tyson Frizell
Wears black boots instead of fluoro ones like some nerd. Is probably too good to play for NSW, to be honest. He is torn between being awesome on a losing team, or being moderate in a winning side.
14 David Klemmer
He was that kid who pulled the wings off flies and tried to blow up frogs by sticking a cracker in its butt. Is now the kind of man who punches smaller blokes in the back of the head. Will steal all of your cigarettes and go through the photos on your phone.
15 Wade Graham
What a fucking waste of a bench spot. Either pick him in the team or leave him out. What’s the point of picking an 80-minute 80% impact player to produce 110% for 20 minutes? None, that's who. Exactly.
16 Jake Trbojevic
Gets the sympathy vote because his more talented brother was injured in the lead-up to Origin. I predict that he will drop the ball on his first touch.
17 Jack Bird
Will do anything for a quick buck, including sit on the bench for 70 minutes of Origin. Hope he has a finger spinner, cause that’s all he’s going to be doing. Seems like the kind of bloke who is happy to have peaked in high school.
Souths ($1.82) vs Parramatta ($2.08)
I have a feeling that this one is going to go yuge. I think there will be a focus on scoring tries, and less so on tackling anyone. I think Souths will come out winners in a 36-28 shemozzle of a game.
NZ Warriors ($1.38) vs Brisbane ($3.15)
Benji is playing for Brissy. Aw yeah. That’s all you need to know. Despite the Broncs having the majority of their team out, I wouldn’t put it past them to sneak this one in. I also wouldn’t put it past the Warriors to do their usual Warrior thing and move on upwards during the Origin period.
Cronulla ($1.57) vs Canterbury ($2.48)
I honestly don’t care. Go sports!
Canberra Fucken Raiders ($1.40) vs Sydney Roosters ($3.05)
The Raiders had better fucken win against an under-strength Roosters team. Sure, they couldn’t beat Newcastle, but that was different (not really). Raiders to clap their way to victory. Woo Raiders woo.
QLD ($1.94) vs NSW ($1.90)
To put a smidge of perspective on things for this game, the last time QLD didn’t have a bloke called Johnathan Thurston in their team, the Blues halves were Brad Fittler and Trent Barrett. To say that the Maroons have built a team around him is probably a bit of an understatement. This is the time for NSW to get the upper hand – QLD will be with a new halves pairing; one of which is a fucking spud and the other has one eye on his retirement pension, a pussy of a fullback, the worst centres in the world, two deadshit wingers and the worst bench players that have ever graced the game.
Still, they’ll probably fucking win.
|Poor Darius will be missing having someone good to help him out|