Monday, January 23, 2017

Home and Away - 2016 recap

Home and Away is back for another season!  HOOFUCKINGRAY.  For those who weren’t really paying attention last year but would like to begin following the trials and tribulations of the good people of Summer Bay, here’s your “What the Fuck Happened” for Home and Away 2016.

To kick off the year, the proverbial broom was put through Summer Bay, and if you happened to have skipped the entire year, then you missed a whole smorgasbord of glory.  An explosion at the Caravan Park claimed the lives of Oscar the Loser and Hannah the Occasionally Attractive And Occasionally Paraplegic Nurse.  It also resulted in the loss of Hot Or Not Maddie’s arm, putting an abrupt end to her violinning career.  The blame for the fire was shared between Bad Boy Andy and Tank the Semi-Recurring Character after a fight knocked over a large wall of gas cylinders that waited until there were a lot of people around before they ignited.   

Bad Boy Andy’s brother, Bad Boy Josh, was left literally blind after being tonked in the back of the head by Tank the Semi-Recurring Character – possibly during the fourth time that Josh and Blandy McBlandface Evie had broken up.  Then his sight came back just long enough for him to murder a woman and run away, causing the fifth (and currently final) time for him and Blandy to break up.  Good bloke.

Hot Or Not decided to carpe diem with her remaining arm and wanted to explore the world with her boyfriend Skater Matt the Skateboarding Guy, then left him at home without telling him.  I reckon Skater Matt dodged a bullet there anyway, as ever since losing her arm, Hot Or Not Maddie developed a weird growth in the shape of an arm across her body. 

John Fucking Palmer and Fuck Off Marilyn somehow adopted their adopted son’s girlfriend after they had broken up.  She then ran off to the city with Semi-Recurring Tank after pashing him one day.  As you do.  And, because they are responsible and caring adults with their adoptive daughter’s best interests at heart, Fucking John and Marilyn let her go and didn’t even bother trying to call her.  What a couple of fuckbags.

Billie the Immortal (Kiwi Josh’s sister) has had a cracker of a year, hooking up with Ugly VJ the Forty-Eight Year Old High Schooler in a relationship that possesses the passion that a toaster holds for a goldfish.  Immortal is also carrying the illegitimate child of Eyebag Irene’s estranged son, who assaulted her in the gym one night.  As anyone would, Immortal then bedded Ugly VJ and told him that the baby was his.  Ugly did the proper thing and dropped out of school to get a job at the smoothie bar so he could afford to support his child.  Then he bought an engagement ring.  Then they planned a wedding which she called off, then they went to the registry office which they both called off.  I just don’t think that things are really looking up for these two crazy kids in love passive acceptance of each other.  Since falling pregnant, Billie the Immortal has been in a car accident, a plane crash, has been kidnapped, stabbed and burnt, and is now about to give birth in the middle of a bushfire. 

There are also some new peeps hanging about the Bait Shop.  As happens every so often, Summer Bay feels the need to spice up their sleepy town a bit by introducing some new characters to take the place of our former beloved Braxton surfer nazi gang of criminals and thugs that Australians can really relate to.  Enter the Morgans.

The Morgans are your typical Home and Away assortment of reasonably attractive over-achieving hearts-of-gold people with a shady past.  There’s Dr Tessa, a doctor, Asian Justin, a jack-of-all trades with a penchant for mechanic work and is a hopeless romantic oh yeah and he’s Asian, Finally Gay Brody, a chef who I thought would finally break the shackles and be gay but isn’t (yet) and Doctor-in-Training Mason, just your usual kid going through med school oh yeah and he’s Tongan or something.  The big secret with the Morgans is a typical family thing – other than the fact that they are all of mysteriously varied heritage, their parents were caught up in a drug syndicate, which they reported to a group of corrupt police who then murdered them which forced the kids into Witness Protection under new identities to be raised by their undercover uncle.  You know, pretty standard stuff.  Due to their fairly difficult upbringing, the Morgans had to give up a few parts of their life – things like relationships and careers.  As such, Dr Tessa is a surgeon who runs the emergency departnment, Mason is in his final year of med school, Brody is a hatted chef and Justin has a child with a former girlfriend who tells everyone they meet that they are in Witness Protection, then wonders how “the syndicate” keep managing to track them down.    

The last time we saw our Home and Away Heroes, Phairly Hot Phoebe and Blandy McBlandface had organised the world’s coolest day-time music festival that attracted at least eight extras and Jessica Mauboy out of Yabbie Creek.  This is actually quite an achievement, as they hadn’t actually organised any music for it until the morning of the actual festival.  Luckily, the Diner donated a tray of sandwiches and there was a smoothie vendor on hand to keep the punters refreshed until well into the afternoon. 

Unfortunately, John Fucking Palmer succumbed to the scourge of Summer Bay, mental illness, and has become a pyromaniac.  This follows Spencer’s bout of bipolar disorder and Alf’s post-traumatic-stress-disorder that were cured via a counselling session and lazy writers. 

So there we have it – you are now more or less up to speed with the goings on of our favourite TV fuckwits (give or take a marriage, divorce, rekindling and new relationship… Dr Nate, I’m looking at you, you sexy piece of arse).  

Spoiler: This guy doesn't do this show any more.

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