Whittled down to just eight teams now, the NRL champions are so close to being revealed that you can smell the lime-green milk on their breath. But before we can officially announce the premiers, we still have a few more rounds of dickheadedness and shenanigans to put up with. This week’s shenanigans relates to: what exactly constitutes a shoulder charge.
Last weekend, the NRL had two pretty clear-cut examples of how to pull off a decent shoulder charge; one by Michael Ennis and the other from Jack Wighton. To everyone and their dog’s mum, they both looked suspiciously like shoulder charges, in that the use of the shoulder was prevalent and any intention of making a tackle was left on the team bus. Ennis was not charged by the NRL match referees, whereas Wighton was looking at a four-week ban. I’m not saying that Ennis or the Cronulla Sharks are corrupt in any way, but I’m pretty sure that Ennis was required to suck at least 37 dicks in a row to escape any form of punishment for that hit, especially when this tackle cost future Nobel Peace Prize winner Charlie Gubb seven games.
In the end, the lack of NRL spine shone through and Wighton was let off all charges as they fucked around with trying to specify what a shoulder charge was; literally, figuratively and spiritually. To be honest, Wighton and Ennis both should have sat out for a week or so, as they were textbook examples of how to hit a bloke in the head with your shoulder.
As a Raiders fan, the biggest letdown for me was the fact that Jack Wighton did this in the last seven minutes of a game that his team was winning by 30 points, making this one of the stupidest things that he possibly could have done. I’m not saying that he is an idiot, or that he does stupid things a lot, but if Jack Wighton could read or write, his daily planner would look like this:
7:00am – wake up7:05am – watch Spongebob
7:28am – do something stupid
7:30am – eat Coco Pops
7:40am – put out fire
7:58am – go to footy
On one hand, the NRL are handing out harsh penalties for shoulder charges, but on the other, they’re doling out hand jobs for the same crime. I guess this is the first time that a jackoff got off and then helped to get jack off too.
|This sign is so fucking annoying. It has an apostrophe on a word that shouldn't have it, and no apostrophe on a word that should.|
Broncos vs Titans
NOTHING stops the Hayne Plane… except competent opposition and completely failing to live up to his inflated reputation. Jarryd’s next dream should be about becoming a decent rugby league player. The Hayne Plane should be sponsored by Malaysian Airlines; if he doesn’t go missing, he gets shot down. What, too soon?
Raiders vs Sharks
To the victors go the spoils, as the old saying goes… and since the Raiders mascot is named Victor, I am pretty sure that this result is a foregone conclusion. That, and the fact that the Sharks are shit useless.
Melbourne vs Cowboys
During the week, five Cowboys players were charged with… fuck, I don’t know… vandalism, maybe?... following a late-night egg-throwing exhibition, in which several cars were damaged. I am notmaking this up. To combat this strategy, the Storm players have been practicing short-sheeting each other’s beds, and Cameron Smith admits that he has balanced several buckets of water above doorways. Cooper Cronk has been linked to a large amount of toilet paper being thrown over his neighbour’s house.
Panthers vs Doggies
Canterbury’s Will Hopoate will not be playing in Sunday’s game due to religious reasons. In solidarity, the rest of the Bulldogs won’t be playing after Sunday either. I reckon the Panthers are the dark
horses cats in this finals series, just