Friday, May 27, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 12: WTF, Parramatta?

The fire sale at the Parramatta Eels continues as their in-form five-eighth Corey Norman has been charged with drug possession following a casual dinner with some bikies and a late-night trip to the Casino.  Norman was quoted as saying, “Yeah nah, nothing suss here” while he cleaned invisible stains off a table in the bar for three hours.  This has prompted the Parramatta club to start offloading players like Oprah hands out washing machines, presumably to try and keep off-field balls-ups like this out of the papers.  The latest washing machine is Junior “Marco” Paulo, who looks like he’s going to head to the nation’s capital about six months earlier than expected.   While this means that Paulo will be subjected to winter a bit sooner, it does mean he won’t miss Floriade this year.  PHEW.

The Warriors have also had a bit of an End-of-Financial-Year Sale and the Titans have snapped up a bargain in Konrad Hurrell, with more announcements expected to come, including Vatuvei, Matulino, Mannering and Lilyman, all of whom may or may not have been involved in mixing Red Bull and Stillnox in a night out a few weeks ago.  And if there’s one place that abusers of prescription drugs should be, it’s the Australian Swimming Team Gold Coast.   

In happier news (for Queensland supporters), the State of Origin sides were announced during the week, and it was enough to raise a couple of eyebrows from me (just one eyebrow raise from Tim Mannah though, for obvious reasons); Robbie Farah’s beer-flavoured-nipples came to his aid once again, as he was picked over Michael Ennis for the hooking role; and Greg Bird’s threat to glass any fucking prick that didn’t fucking select him hey also paid off.  The Blues halves debate can finally be put to rest as Adam Reynolds has been given the chance to kill Mitchell Pearce’s representative career (please please please) if he can put together a solid performance alongside James Maloney.  The decision to bring in Manly centre Dylan Walker as a “utility player” is an absolute fucking mystery though, but gives us a rare opportunity to witness the phenomenon known as “'Not Playing Well In One Position That Leads To Being Shifted To Another Position In The Middle Of A Game In A Losing Team Which Apparently Demonstrates Enough Versatility To Be Selected To Represent New South Wales”, or NPWIOPTLTBSTAPITMOAGIALTWADEVTOBTRNSW for short.  It’s a pretty unique phenomenon. 

The idea of choosing a utility player can be effective... but not if, you know, you accidentally opt for (a) for a player who is NOT a utility player, and (b) is not a very good player in any position.  It’s kind of like when the Australian cricket team kept picking Shane Watson because England had Freddie Flintoff.  It took us a decade to get rid of that useless fuck.

In strange selections for Queensland, Nate Myles and Aiden Guerra are along for the ride to prove just how confident QLD are of winning this game if they can do it with these complete dickfingered players in the team.  Is the Maroons’ confidence justified?  If Josh Dugan and Blake "Hands-tastic" Ferguson McFingers are defending on the same side for the Blues, you’d have to say “yes”.  And you’d also need an umbrella to protect yourself from Corey Oates and Greg Inglis, who are jizzing uncontrollably about coming up against these two fuckwits. 

I don’t see Queensland’s stronghold on Origin loosening this year (or next).  Here’s cheers to our two-headed XXXX-drinking overlords.

Round 12

Broncos vs Tigers

As there are a lot of players out for rep duties, it’s always tricky to try to pick winners during Origin… except for this game, as the Broncos have still managed to put together a pretty decent side to take on a struggling Tigers outfit.  Still, the Tiges are paying over $4 for a win; if you have any loose change and don’t have a pocket, you could do worse than to punt it on them.

Dargons vs Cows

No Morgan, no JT, no Scott, no Tamou, no O'Neil.  That's four key players and Justin O'Neil missing for NQ.  They’ll still win in what I reckon will be a pretty low-scoring, low-quality, fairly shithouse game.  Yeah, I’m pumped.

Mighty Fucking Champion Motherfucking Raiders vs Dogs

Woop woop, all aboard the Raiders victory train woooooooo #1InARow.  Green Machine for the win.  Raiders rule, Doggies drool.  Et cetera, et cetera. 

Knights vs Eels

Parra get stripped of their points, were forced to drop some of their best players and now have the rest of their team away to “help police with their enquiries” following drug possession and involvement with bikie gangs.  The Newcastle players, on the other hand, are just plain shit at football, and are really struggling with injuries, defensive lapses, puberty and Jaelen Feeney has an essay due on Monday that he hasn’t even started yet.  The Eels should keep their premiership hallucinations dreams alive with a win here.

Reminds me of when I play sports games on Playstation and completely forget which player I'm controlling

Picture courtesy of Sportsbet

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