Another week of off-field drama in the NRL has made sure that all assault charges and drink-driving allegations have been kept quiet, and Parramatta are – more or less – at the front and centre of another media storm: Jarryd Haynegate.
In case you’ve been living in North Queensland for the last few years, ex-NRL superstar Jarryd Hayne left his beloved Parramatta Eels to follow his dream to play American Football in the NFL, stating, “The NFL has been something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the NRL.”
After running less than a half-back in a rugby union match and dropping the ball so much that people began calling him “the other Burgess”, Hayne has denounced his NFL 49ers contract to represent Fiji in the upcoming Olympics, stating, “I am retiring from the NFL because the Fiji Rugby Sevens team reached out to me about the opportunity to join the team for the upcoming Olympics, and I simply could not pass that chance up. The Olympics has been something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the NFL.”
Hayne’s future post-Rio is uncertain, with many believing that he will try another code in rugby union, Hayne stating that “joining the Super Rugby competition is something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the Fijian Olympic team.” Others believe that he will return to the NRL as a free agent, as Hayne has stated that “rejoining the NRL is something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the NRL previously.”
Rumours that Hayne will be follow the money trail to play for the Roosters upon his expected return to the NRL have been quashed several times over by Hayne, his management and the Roosters board, which is about as solid an endorsement that we can get. Chooks coach Trent Robinson might as well start sourcing “HAYNE1” licence plates for a new tri-colour Range Rover in the coming weeks.
The 49ers, meanwhile, will struggle on through their pre-season and persist with the three running backs that they have left: Carlos Hyde, DuJuan Harris and Shaun Draughn. I think Jarryd just felt a bit name-conscious and had to leave the country; sure, he invented the Hayne Plane, but how could anyone compete with the Shaun Draughn?
Canberra Raiders: what (the fuck) happened last week
Besides throwing the winning intercept pass, knocking on basically every time he touched it and missing a billion tackles, Jack Wighton is a pretty great player and had a terrific game. Whenever you can overshadow Benji Marshall as having a shit game, that’s a pretty special achievement.
In a match where there were highlights, low-lights and no lights, Wighton had a night off and the Raiders are a write-off. Following these dickheads is almost enough to make me want to watch tennis as a main sport. The Dragons now find themselves seventh on the ladder. How the fuck there are 9 worse teams than them is a scientific mystery.
Souths vs St George
Souths finally decided to turn up last week against a team that didn’t have anything to play for, and due to the upcoming Origin series, look like they’re taking their match payments more seriously now. St George can just go fuck off, because I’m still angry at them for winning.
Cowboys vs Broncos
The Broncs snuck home by a field goal the last time these teams met, whereas the Cows got through in extra time in the game before that, so we’re looking at a fucking gangbuster of a match if history is anything to go by. I’m tipping the Broncs to win, and also for Adam Blair to be cited at least twice for trying to kill Jonathan Thurston.
Tigers vs Newcastle
If both of these teams played themselves last week, they would lose 98-4. That's all I have to say.
Warriors vs Fucking Raiders
If there could possibly be a better match up than the two most inconsistent teams in the entire
universe than these two, it would probably cause some kind of disruption in the
time/space continuum and we’d all get sucked out to Jubilee Stadium for
eternity. Raiders get my tip, but that’s
because I’m a fucking idiot.
Cronulla vs Manly
The Sharks get my patented Completely Totally Safe Tip of the Week award. Manly get my traditional Because Fuck Manly, That’s Why award for the millionth week running.
Penrith vs Gold Coast
Is it just me, or are the Gold Coast not quite as shit as people think? I’m giving them one more chance to put in a really terrible performance before I get on the bandwagon and ride Will Zillman all the way to the premiership. Not like that though, you sick fucks. The guy is injured. I wouldn’t do that.
Roosters vs Bulldogs
“Just wait until Warea-Hargreaves, Pearce and Cordner get back!” the Roosters’ faithful cried. And when they came back, they got smashed by the Titans. What a sad parade.
Parramatta vs Melbourne
Holy fuck, it’s cheat against cheat in this Salarybowl battle of the cheats. My tip is on Melbourne, who are not only more practiced in the art of cheating, but also because their season hasn’t been ended because of it.
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