Mister Kitchen Breakfast

Aaaaaaaaaaaw My Kitchen Rules is over for another season. That sucks – as far as watching fuckwits cook, this one was definitely my favourite, despite the fact that I called it MasterChef whenever I watched it.

There was so much to love about this series, including:
* the couple from New Zealand who were obviously picked to boost the self-esteem of Aussie battlers everywhere. They fucked everything up, then talked about “Kiwi pride” just in case the vacant expressions, strong New Zealand accents and their ability to only cook lamb and pavlova (and fuck that up as well) wasn’t quite enough to convince Australians that they’re better than our “Trans-Tasman Rivals.”
* the gay lawyer and doctor combination. As evil and conniving as they are rubbish at cooking, they talked a big game but in the end could only serve cold porridge from a packet, but weren’t afraid to hang copious amounts of shit on everyone else. They had their 15 minutes and here’s hoping that we never, ever see them again.
* real live Tasmanians on television.
* a dickhead from Victoria who thought he’d be able to win a cooking competition by using his superior intellect, despite the fact that he’s never seen a kitchen before, and he’s dumb as dogshit.
* the phrase “cooked to perfection” used seventeen times an episode.
* those two Italian awesomenaut blokes, but in particular the less Italian one who pronounshed everyfing like dis yeah and shed shtuff like capshicun. I look forward to New Idea covering their single-sex commitment ceremony soon.
* Manu and the other guy looking decidedly sick of everyone and their shit cooking. I also appreciated Not-Manu’s fashion sense. Without him, I would only have imagined that wearing a flannelette shirt with a tie and combining it with a suit that’s two sizes too small might look awkward. Now I have proof.

So while the fad of amateur cooking reality television programs rolls on like a spring roll (how good are spring rolls? I fucking love them), I figured I should get my spatula out of the second drawer and find a use for it. Welcome to:

Mister Evil Breakfast’s MKR Audition

I apologise in advance for any shit formatting in this thing - it always fucks up when there are more than five words on the screen.

Teams (of two) will have to show off their cooking skills as they work together, against the clock, to impress the judges and deliver knockout meals.

We’re looking for home-cooks who are passionate about cooking and entertaining.

For the next season of My Kitchen Rules, I will be teaming up with my old mate, Todd the Inflatable Dinosaur for this one.

He’s a great cook, except he can’t get too close to hot surfaces or he’ll melt or explode or something.

You will only hear back from us if you move through to the next round of the casting process. Good luck!

I'll be waiting for your call. Thank you.

APPLICANT A

First Name
Mister

Last Name
Breakfast

Phone (Home and/or Work)
I think it has a 7 in it.

Mobile
Yes, I have a new Samsung thing. I don’t know how to use it though, so don’t bother calling me on it. I miss my Nokia.

Occupation
You know the RSPCA ad where there’s a bunch of animals walking across the screen, and there’s a wombat who makes it halfway across and then turns back a few times? I’m the guy who pokes that wombat to make it get across at the very end of the commercial. True story – it gets eaten by the jaguar that crosses earlier in the ad.

TO BE COMPLETED BY APPLICANT A

Marital Status:
Yes

Do you have any children? If YES, please list their ages:
No. And you should probably know that I'm only saying "no" so I don't have to ask my kids how old they are.

Are you expecting a child?
There's nothing scheduled in my diary for children, so no. Apparently not.

Do you have any health issues we should know about?
I have a bit of a sore foot.

Do you have any specific eating requirements or food allergies? (e.g Are you vegetarian, kosher, halal, glucose intolerant etc)
Sometimes I like to say that I’m allergic to avocadoes, simply because it’s a whole lot easier than trying to convince people that I just don’t like them. This usually leads to them sneaking avocadoes into my food and waiting for me to die. Let’s just say that there have been deaths, but I’m still the one applying for reality tv shows.

Have you appeared in, or applied for any other Television shows (including previous series of MKR). If YES, please provide details:
I was on Australia’s Most Wanted a few times. I also took part in Channel 7’s psychic tv show “The One” but all I did was lead police to the shallow graves of my own victims.

Do you have any criminal charges or convictions? If YES, please provide details:
…no.

Have you ever been subject to non-judicial disciplinary hearings or tribunals? If YES, please provide details and outcome:
If you read this question out loud, you are quite likely to fuck up the "non-judicial disciplinary..." bit. Well, I did anyway.

Have you ever hit anyone in anger or self-defense? If YES, please provide details:
I'm a lover, not a fighter. Except for when I'm fighting. Then I'm a fighter and not a lover. Because there's no room for love when you're fighting; it just gets awkward. You know, for the other fighter.

APPLICANT A: COOKING

Have you ever cooked or prepared food before as a job? If YES, please provide details:
What? People pay you for cooking? That’s a job now? Well fuck me. However, in answer to your question: No.

Have you ever done any cooking courses? If YES, please provide details:
I watched a few episodes of that Jamie Oliver bloke and I saw Nigella Lawson on an ad for tea bags.

What does cooking mean to you?
cook·ing
[kook-ing]
noun
1. the act of a person or thing that cooks.
2. the art or practice of preparing food; cookery.

I’m pretty sure that’s what it means to everyone.

What is your best dish, tell us why?
My best, and possibly most famous dish, is what I like to call “Imaginez Sandwich au poulet.” Take a piece of bread, and add butter. Sprinkle some salt and pepper onto the butter and top with another slice of bread. I’m not saying that I’m a magic sorcerer or anything, but you’ll probably say, “Holy shit man, this tastes like chicken!” And then you’ll open the sandwich to see if I’ve somehow managed to sneak a chicken into your meal. I haven’t, it’s just magic. So actually, yes; I am saying I’m a magic sorcerer.

If you were to throw a dinner party for 12 people, tell us what your menu would feature (must include, entree, main, dessert and a suggested theme for the party).
12 fucking people? My house isn’t that big. I’d probably just get a whole shit-tin of chips and a load of beer, followed by some different chips and beer for dessert. If they’re really hungry, they can bring their own food; I’m not made of money. The theme is “Get the fuck out of my house, you cheapskate douchenozzles.”

Who is your cooking inspiration and why?
It would be a toss-up between Bear Grylls and Jeffrey Dhamer. I like my food raw and possibly screaming.

Is there any food you do not like to eat?
Goat’s cheese. That shit is disgusting; it tastes like a shitty country fair would… if a shitty country fair was a meal.

What are your 3 favourite weeknight meals?
Pie with sauce. Pie with more sauce. Pie without sauce.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOU

Besides cooking, what interests or hobbies do you have?
General pirate duties – walking planks, digging for treasure, swinging on chandeliers and main sails, looting, raping, pillaging, wearing an eyepatch and sticking parrots on my shoulder.

What is your greatest ambition?
To kick Kim Kardashian square in the vagina.

What has been the most difficult thing in your life so far?
Trying to undo the knot in my shoelace. It’s really annoying me and it’s so tight that I can’t get it out. Hehehe that’s what she said. But seriously, it has been there for well over a year and I’m a bit sick of it (that’s also what she said).

How competitive are you? Please explain, giving examples.
If anyone tries to beat me at this Kitchen caper, I’m going to fucking stab them in the eye and make sweet, sweet love to their gaping head wound. How’s that for competitive? (and how’s that for romance?)

Who is a role model in your life and why?
His name is Larry, and I have to see him once a week and call him every day. Oh - "role" - I thought that said “parole.” Larry helps to keep me out of jail and even once assisted me in the disposal of about a dozen dead bodies when he didn't even need to.

When was the last time you laughed out loud and why?
Have you ever seen “Caddyshack”? Neither have I, but apparently it’s funny. I think if I ever bothered to watch it, I would laugh. You should come over one day, and we’ll rent it together and have a good laugh on my couch. Afterwards, we can stay up late and you can tell me who you have a secret crush on while I braid your hair, and I will tell you about the time I thought I saw a ghost.

When was the last time you cried and why?
It’s a bit relevant to this application actually LOL! I was cutting onions in my kitchen (you can see where this is going, right?), and I accidentally stabbed my “house guest” and their blood got into the onions, rendering them pretty much useless. What a waste of $1.98. Made me sad to think about that $2 coin and how I could have bought a Paddle Pop instead. That was the (first) last time I cried.

How do you feel about critiquing somebody else's food?
I love it. I love critiquing things. I’ll critique anything you want - like this questionnaire: it’s SHIT so far.

What would winning My Kitchen Rules mean to you?
About $250 000 apparently.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOUR TEAM MATE

How often do you and your team mate cook together? Who do you normally cook for?
Every night. I always cook for Toddles.

Tell us about your relationship dynamic. How long have you known your team mate for?
Ooooooooh, probably about 5 years. Maybe 6. Wait, let me check my diary. "March 15, 2006: Today I bought an inflatable dinosaur. His name is Todd and I love him. I really need to stop drinking during the day."

How do you know each other?
I bought him from the National Geographic shop. It was a funny meeting actually. I took it off the shelf and paid the girl at the cash register and then took it home and inflated it. Wait, that wasn’t funny at all.

What is your relationship to your team mate? (eg. Father, Sister, Friend, Co-worker, Ex)
I am his owner. Great, now I sound like a sicko.

What annoys you about them?
He deflates a lot in hot weather. And his air valve is kind of where his bum is, and it’s a bit awkward to blow him up again.

Do you ever argue? If so, over what?
LOL he steals the doona! Actually, no, we rarely argue, although sometimes we get a bit heated when I’m singing sea-shanties and he has his yoga class going on in our lounge room.

Besides cooking, what do you and your team mate enjoy doing together?
We’re just two normal guys living together, except one of us is an inflatable dinosaur. We do normal things like chilling on the couch and watching TV. He likes that Amazing Race show.

What 3 words best describe your team mate? (Be honest!)
Green. Inflatable. Dinosaur.

What is your team mate like in the kitchen?
Not half as good as he is in the bedroom. Eh! Eh?

Who is the better cook and why?
Honestly, me. But I think that’s honestly more to do with his physical make-up and his useless forelimbs that can’t do fucking anything, than it is about cooking aptitude.

Why should you, as a team, be part of the show?
I think Australia would really like to see the relationship between a dickheaded dickhead like me and his inflatable dino.

Interests and Hobbies
Gameshows
Reality TV
Renovation and Design
Dating
Singing
Dancing
Hairdressing and Beauty
Sport
Property and Real Estate
Finance
Food and Cooking
Health and Fitness
Fashion
Medical
Travel
Outdoor and Gardening

What kind of twisted dickwit includes "medical" in their interests and hobbies? "Righto, I'm just popping down to the hospital to meet up with Dr Bob - I hear he has a new stethoscope." "Ok, don't be too late - and don't come back smelling like a tongue depressor again!"

APPLICANT B

First Name
Todd

Last Name
Dinosaur

Phone (Home and/or Work)
Fax

Mobile
Broadband. I love these word association games.

Occupation
Professional inflatable dinosaur.

TO BE COMPLETED BY APPLICANT B

Marital Status:
Married.

Do you have any children? If YES, please list their ages:
No

Are you expecting a child?
I’m an inflatable dinosaur. I’m not expecting much.

Do you have any health issues we should know about?
Nope, I’m about as fit as a toy dinosaur could ever be. Occasionally I get deflated, but that’s usually just because it’s annoying to blow me back up.

Do you have any specific eating requirements or food allergies? (e.g Are you vegetarian, kosher, halal, glucose intolerant etc)
Fuck it, let’s go halal. It sounds interesting, and I’m pretty sure it entails the slaughter of goats.

Have you appeared in, or applied for any other Television shows (including previous series of MKR). If YES, please provide details:
I auditioned for CSI Miami a few years back. There was this great scene involving me, David Caruso, three dead hookers and a lot of cocaine. And that was just the day before filming! Also, I didn’t get the part due to ongoing investigations.

Do you have any criminal charges or convictions? If YES, please provide details:
…no.

Have you ever been subject to non-judicial disciplinary hearings or tribunals? If YES, please provide details and outcome:
Is this a cooking show or some kind of Judge Judy spin-off?

Have you ever hit anyone in anger or self-defense? If YES, please provide details:
I don’t think there’s many people out there who I haven’t lashed out at in anger. I’m a fucking dinosaur, for fuck’s sake. I think my reputation precedes me. Raah. Didn’t you see Jurassic Park?


APPLICANT B: COOKING

Have you ever cooked or prepared food before as a job? If YES, please provide details:
A few years back, I was dared by my friend to turn up at a restaurant called L’Argent Concombre and tell the manager that I was there to start working as head chef. In less than 20 minutes, I’d accidentally burnt the place down. I also received a bit of severance pay for that. However, the dare was won and I can proudly say that it was the most fun I’ve ever had in earning $5.

Have you ever done any cooking courses? If YES, please provide details:
A few years back, I was dared by my friend to turn up to a cooking school and tell the manager that I was there to start teaching. In less than 20 minutes, I’d accidentally burnt the place down. I didn’t receive any severance pay for that, so it’s not even worth mentioning (except that I hooked up with this hot Asian girl). The dare was won and I can proudly say that it was the second most fun I’ve ever had in earning $5.

What does cooking mean to you?
It’s like, so, like spiritual, you know? Like, it’s so creative the way that you can just like, take a bit of food and, like, add other bits of food to it, and like, cook it so it tastes like those two ingredients, but, like, together.

What is your best dish, tell us why?
It’s a white dish with a blue ring around the edge. I have five more just like it. I think it was from a set that I bought at Big W.

If you were to throw a dinner party for 12 people, tell us what your menu would feature (must include, entree, main, dessert and a suggested theme for the party).
I’d probably just haul a rhino into the apartment and tell the guests to dig in. I’m pretty sure a rhino would feed 12 people for entrée and main, but I would save the horn for dessert. The theme would be “fairies and princesses.”

Who is your cooking inspiration and why?
Without a doubt, it would be Mr Ronald McDonald. He never let the fact that he was a creepy, paedophilic clown with a giant purple monster for a best friend stop him from serving up great quantities of fairly ordinary food for the hungover masses on a Sunday morning. If he could ever get the thickshake machine to work, he’d be some kind of deity.

Is there any food you do not like to eat?
I’ve never understood the world’s obsession with peanut butter. I like peanuts, I like butter. Sometimes things should just be left separate.

What are your 3 favourite weeknight meals?
I’ll be honest with you – my mouth is actually painted on; I can’t eat anything.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOU

Besides cooking, what interests or hobbies do you have?
I wouldn't even call cooking a hobby or an interest. I spend all of my time being a dinosaur – roaring, stomping around, eating things, avoiding tar pits and chasing Sam Neill.

What is your greatest ambition?
To learn to drive. What? Fuck off, I’ve just never had the chance to do it, ok?

What has been the most difficult thing in your life so far?
There are very few difficulties in life when you’re the world’s most ferocious predator… in miniature, inflatable form. Otherwise, I would say that the years of homelessness and living on the street, scavenging for food and eating whatever I could find were pretty hard. That is, until I came across four baby turtles, crawling in a strange, glowing ooze. Master Splinter’s life did seem pretty hard, and it was definitely difficult for me to watch it be played out on the big screen in 1990.

How competitive are you? Please explain, giving examples.
I take it as a personal affront when my Tattslotto numbers don’t get called out. I feel like I’ve let myself down by not picking the right combination.

Who is a role model in your life and why?
Probably Jesus. He single-handedly killed an army of evil samurai riding on sabre-toothed tigers with his double-ended sword. It’s in the bible, I swear.

When was the last time you laughed out loud and why?
I was on Chatroulette the other night, and this guy said, “R U a dinosor?” and I said “LOL yeah” which means “laughing out loud” but it was obvious that I wasn’t laughing, because he could see it on his video feed. I think that’s why he disconnected our chat so quickly. Lying about laughing doesn't really count, does it?

When was the last time you cried and why?
My friend dared me to go to a hospital and tell the chief surgeon that I was there to begin work. He immediately shoved me into the OR and told me to “scrub up” and to start performing open-heart surgery on this patient. As I made the initial incision, I realised that the patient was MY FATHER and his life was in my hands. After ripping around inside his chest for a while, trying to gaffa tape a rat to a tiny treadmill and staple it to his heart to keep it ticking, the chief tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to leave. The funeral was hard to cope with, considering that I couldn’t help but feel partly responsible for killing my dad (with love), but mainly because my mate said that I owed him $5 because I didn’t finish the surgery.

How do you feel about critiquing somebody else's food?
I call a spade a spade and a dunny a dunny. I will also call a steak a steak and a carrot a carrot. I just like words, really.

What would winning My Kitchen Rules mean to you?
I think it would be a great step in human/inflatable dinosaur relations.


APPLICANT A: ABOUT YOUR TEAM MATE

How often do you and your team mate cook together? Who do you normally cook for?
Mister Evil Breakfast always cooks for me – you know, short arm syndrome right here. Seriously, I’d rather not have any arms at all instead of these fucking teasing bitches I’ve got.

Tell us about your relationship dynamic. How long have you known your team mate for?
6 years ago. He wrote about it in his diary *coughcoughGAYcough*

How do you know each other?
You do realise that you asked him the same questions, and he responded, right? It’s the same fucking story.

What is your relationship to your team mate? (eg. Father, Sister, Friend, Co-worker, Ex)
I’m a toy, he owns me. Yep, that sounds weird.

What annoys you about them?
Probably the fact that he’s just so good looking. Also, he does terrible Chewbacca impressions, but keeps saying that he once did a really good one, when I know for a fact that he didn’t – he wrote it in his diary *coughcoughSOGAYcough*

Do you ever argue? If so, over what?
Sometimes we argue about whether velociraptors were as cool as Jurassic Park makes them out to be – trust me, they were not. They were really shit, egg-thieving bastards.

Besides cooking, what do you and your team mate enjoy doing together?
We normally hit the pub on Fridays and don’t leave til the Thursday night. That takes up a lot of our time.

What 3 words best describe your team mate? (Be honest!)
Breakfast. Mister. Evil.

What is your team mate like in the kitchen?
Pretty tall. But no more so than he is anywhere else in the house.

Who is the better cook and why?
I’ll admit, it’s him. But he definitely wouldn’t be able to do it without me yelling at him to puree the yak-arsehole sausages and make sure the otter-testicle mascarpone jus mousse de la lait with a spicy Thai and legume oyster steamed brulee with double cooked pheasant dick isn’t burning.

Why should you, as a team, be part of the show?
I really, really want to hump Manu’s leg.

Interests and Hobbies
Gameshows
Reality TV
Renovation and Design
Dating
Singing
Dancing
Hairdressing and Beauty
Sport
Property and Real Estate
Finance
Food and Cooking
Health and Fitness
Fashion
Medical
Travel
Outdoor and Gardening

I'm pretty sure this part of the application should be renamed "what other shit tv shows do you like?"

* * *

And that’s it. For a competition to win a quarter of a million smackeroos where the objective is to be able to cook a couple of pretentious meals, they don't seem entirely interested in whether or not you can successfully open the fridge without help. To me, this seems a lot more like they're loading you up with sharp knives, meat cleavers and pots of boiling oil in which to do battle with the other contestants. If so, then count me in. I saw The Hunger Games, I know how this shit works.