Friday, February 25, 2011

Oscar Predictions Part III: Sith Menacing Jedis

Welcome to the third part in the ongoing saga that is predicting Oscar winners. The third part of a trilogy is always the worst. Or is it the best? Or somewhere in between? I can’t remember, although I think Jurassic Park 3 is better than Jurassic Park 2. I’m not sure about The Godfather 2 and 3, because I didn’t watch them (they don’t have dinosaurs or robots, so I’m not wasting my time). Robocop 2 was better than Robocop 3, but that’s not really saying much, as they both sucked. Robocop 1 is still awesome though.

I was originally going to predict a winner for each category, but no one cares about who wins for Art Direction and Cinematography, which only exist so “epic” films can get a guernsey, even if they’re shit like Pearl Harbour. It’s basically a pissing contest to see who has a better camera or who can afford to go and film a nice landscape shot in an untouched part of the world.

I’m also skipping Costume Design, a category that caters for period pieces and Shakespeare re-enactments (I see True Grit is nominated, which probably rules out the idea that it’s the sequel to True Lies, but still doesn’t discount the thought that it’s a prequel) and isn’t very interesting unless you’re into clothes that aren’t t-shirts, so I won’t waste time (or a paragraph) talking about it.

I’ll also gloss over the Editing prize, because in my mind it’s all about gluing reels of film together, which shouldn’t be that hard. Todd the Dinosaur thinks it would be hard, but he doesn’t have opposable thumbs and is an inanimate inflatable t-rex anyway, so most things are hard for him (except predicting the future).

I won’t predict who'll win for Make-Up either, because it’s really not that important unless you’re playing Freddy Krueger, and if a movie relies on make-up to gain interest, then I’m going out on a limb and saying that it’s a generally shit film that probably involves an old woman retelling her life story to some fucking kid. I won’t touch the Music categories either, because every movie should just play the theme to Indiana Jones whenever the need for music comes up.

Sound Editing? Nope.
Sound Mixing? Go fuck yourself in the ear.
Visual Effects? Normally this catgoery gets me moist in the nether regions (Todd as well), but lately I’ve been put off with movies being predominantly Visual Effectry to the point where you just sit around waiting for something real to arrive on screen. After sitting through the bullshit that was Alice in Wonderland, I wondered what the point of creating a computer-generated costume - in this case a chain-mail suit of armour - was all about when it didn’t do anything that real chain-mail armour wouldn’t have done. Waste of time and money and green screens, honestly. There’s people in Third World countries that don’t have green screens, and Hollywood wastes them on shit like Alice in Fucking Wonderland.

Tomorrow I'll wrap up the Oscar shit with all the big awards. Well, some of them.

PS. I did not like Alice in Wonderland.

3 comments:

arpz said...

Hello
so firstly you're quite funny haha =P
but I take great offense at your disregard for several important awards!!
Cinematography is not just about an expensive camera or an untouched landscape, there is so much that goes into it: juxtaposing/depth of field/ shot matching!

as is editing: right from credits, to understanding dramatic tension and cutting at the right point to going through all that footage and choosing which has the best effect.... an editor can make or break a film!

I studied media and beg to differ with your thoughts. Obviously this comment means no offense as I just happened to come across your blog and am expressing my views.

Take Care and check my blog!
arpzsavlani.blogspot.com

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Hey Arpz,
Thanks for your reply, and I am SINCERELY sorry (you know I'm sincere because I wrote it all in upper case) for making fun of the people who staple film reels together. It's not that I don't care about editing; some of my favourite movies have editors, and the credits to the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie are brilliant (who would have thought to use green font?).

More to the point, I am writing on behalf of an inflatable dinosaur toy named Todd that I have decided has psychic powers, so anything I say probably shouldn't be taken too seriously.

I did check out your blog - congratulations; within two posts, you already have more comments than I've had in six years.

Rock on,

Mister Evil Breakfast

Anonymous said...

arpz is a total douche