Thursday, July 29, 2010

how talking can be an extreme sport

It’s time to dust off the crowbar and start cracking skulls again. This week, I’m smashing the shit out of five phrases that really piss me off.

1. “Literally.”

A lot of the people who say “literally” to emphasise a point use it in such a way that they make it obvious that they literally don’t know the literal meaning of the word “literally.”
“He ate so much he literally exploded.”
Did he really fucking literally explode? I’m pretty sure he didn’t. If you drop a ‘literally’ within my earshot, I will literally beat your face with my crowbar. Literally.

2. “My bad.”

My bad? MY BAD?
“Oooh, sorry, didn’t mean to drop that piano on your grandmother. My bad.”
“My bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“Oh, was that your head meeting my crowbar? My bad.”

3. “Ain’t.”

What the fuck is this word short for?
“That ain’t my crowbar!”
No, it’s mine and it’s heading towards your face.

4. “Think outside the square.”

People who say that they think “outside the square” are dicks. There’s no square, there’s no box. There’s just thinking… and there’s a crowbar.

5. “That’s impossible – they proved that on Mythbusters.”

Just because two fat fucking idiots on a TV show can’t hack through a pig’s head with an axe with one swing doesn’t mean that I can't cut through eighteen vikings with a blunt razor. The Mythbusters guys can’t get laid either, but other people are doing that. The only thing those guys can do is wear stupid hats and grow shitty facial hair. That myth has been busted, and so have their faces. By my crowbar.

Dojos all over the world are popping up to teach self-defence against crowbar wielding psychopaths like me

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