Tuesday, July 21, 2009

a gastronomical delight

After the "reality sensation" that was MasterChef Australia (and congratulations to whoever it was that won), we can now go back to our regular lives of eating regular food and not worrying about things like red wine jus and wasabi-balsamic mash or trying to find a new taste sensation by combining soy sauce and peas. We don't need to say, "I can really taste the lemon zest in this slow-cooked quail pancake; you've managed to find the right balance of flavours to bring out the texture of the meat to make it your own," anymore. Until the next season, no one will give a creme brulee about food, and the status quo will return - we can once again concentrate on eating proper food that is served to us by some fifteen-year old kid from a drive-thru and wait for The Biggest Loser to hit our screens again.

Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide to Fast Food and Shit and Stuff (MEBGTFFASAS)


The granddaddy of all fast food outlets, Maccas should be underestimated at your peril. It's been around for so long because it's FUCKING AWESOME. There are few things as satisfying as a cheeseburger (two cheeseburgers are pretty good) and the Big Mac (while not as big as it used to be) is still worth the price of admission alone (which is free).

Specialities: Cheeseburgers and Big Macs. Selected stores open 24-hours.
On the downside: Burgers sold at 3am may not contain any sauce and will leave you downtrodden, disappointed and cold.


Few things in the world touch my heart like fried chicken. Although it is often seen as inferior to the golden arches of Maccas, KFC deserves respect and recognition. Their value meals, for instance, are excellent in both quality and quantity, and nothing works better for my hangovers that a cold can of Mountain Dew and a hunk of chook dripping with fat.

Specialties: Wicked wings to die for. Good amount of food for your buck-buck-buck.
On the downside: Staff will always fuck up at least one part of your meal. Some stores have never been cleaned. Refusal to bring back Hot n Spicy coating. May cause salmonella.

Hungry Jacks:

Some people know them as Burger King; here in the great land of Canberra, we have Hungry Jacks. They're the same thing, trust me. Hungry Jacks have a pretty sweet value combo deal going with their variations of "The Whopper." For a fiver, you've got yourself a tidy little pile of food and ice-cream. Lucky it doesn't cost more, because the burgers are shit. In an attempt to make their beef "juicy", it seems that the staff are trained to soak each burger in vats of liquefied cows before serving. For a cheap meal that you have to lick off your arm and can taste all day, you could definitely do worse.

Specialties: Whopper Value Meals, and every girl in the world will swear by their Grilled Chicken, even though I don't rate it that highly. Their onion rings are also the best I've ever had; this might have something to do with the fact that they're the only place that does them. There's gotta be a reason for that.
On the downside: Their burgers require a straw to consume. Being born without tastebuds is also recommended.


I am a massivo fan of the Subway restaurant. It makes me feel happy on the inside whenever I have the option of eating over a foot of sandwich. Subbers has enough choice to keep you interested, but not enough to fluster you if you can't decide between getting red capsicum or green. Even though it bills itself as being a healthy alternative to fast food, that only counts if you eat one of the staff members' hair nets.

Specialties: There's a deal on at the moment to get a foot-long meatball sub for $6. For $20, you'd get three feet of food and change. This is an exceptional meal deal, my friends.
On the downside: Not great for eating on the run or whilst driving. Got rid of their "Valued Customer Cards" before I had a chance to claim many, many freebies.

Ali Baba:

I have no idea how far the kebabs of Ali Baba have spread though Australia; if I had my way, it would dominate the landscape like a narwhal. They have a menu that I've never even thought about looking at - there's really only one thing you need at Baba's, and that's lamb, baby. You can have your choice of salad options, but don't fill your kebab up too much with useless greenery, save room for more lamb. It's good for what ails you. Also available: Beef or chicken. As if.

Specialities: Lamb.
On the downside: It may not actually BE lamb.

Pizza Hut:

Remember when everyone loved Pizza Hut? For some reason, they've become an endangered species. Apparently there are still a few floating around and they serve "All You Can Eat" meals for lunch, but these stories are yet to be confirmed and their sightings are "dodgy" at best. Pizza Hut is like the sasquatch of the fast-food world.

Specialties: All you can eat pizza.
On the downside: May not exist.


Kingsley's (as far as I know) is a Canberra-based southern-fried chicken franchise, and is what attracts (and keeps) visitors to the nation's capital more than anything else. Employment, weather, affordable housing are all fucking made-up bullshit stories. Get someone drunk and ask them "Why are you in Canberra?" and they will say, "Kingsley's chicken." Should Canberra ever host the Olympic Games, pieces of chicken will replace the gold medals. I know I'd be running fast.

Specialities: Chicken fillet burger with coleslaw AND gravy. This is all you need. This is all you'll ever need.
On the downside: A very confusing menu board, but since I know what I want (see "specialties"), this doesn't affect me.

Noodle Choice:

There are a few of these "fast food" Asian-style places popping up all over the world - you might know them as Wok-It-Up or Fly-Ly or Box'o'Soy or Noodles-n-Shit or something. They are all pretty good in terms of the amount of foodage that you get (plus they serve it in those cool take-away boxes that they always have in American movies and TV shows) and as far as my experience goes, tasty as all hell, as long as you don't mind the same taste for whatever you have chosen from the ninety-eight options on the menu.

Specialties: It doesn't matter; it's all the same. And it's all good. It is also very addictive; I think they might also put crack in it. And I don't care.
On the downside: The most impossible thing to have as a "quick meal" - it is a deceptively large serve that you are not legally able to eat with a fork, thus eliminating the option of eating-while-driving.

Hopefully this guide has prepared you for the next time that you are out and about for some fine dining to confidently tell the chef that you need more sauce for your McNuggets.


Anonymous said...

Thanks Mr. Evil. I think I might just go out and punish a kebab. By the way, Being an epicurean and all, could you please confirm whether or not Chico Rolls are really made from goats' balls? Cheers mate.

April said...

Mister Evil, thank you so much for enlightening me. Not only will my fast food selection be done with relative ease, but you have solved my dilemma on Christmas shopping by educating me on where to purchase the narwhal. Thank you Mister Evil, you truly are a wealth of knowledge.

Anonymous said...

Please tell me which Subway restaurant I need to go to to have the choice of red capsicum. Thank you MEB.

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Oooh three comments. How lovely. It makes me feel like a porn star or an internet celebrity or something.

First of all:

Goats are awesome in every way, and can add flavour to things like stir fries and sentences, so it would make sense that they could also add flavour to the delicacies that are Chico Rolls.


Enjoy your narwhal. I know I would.

Third: There is no red capsicum option at Subway. This is because there's no need for it because it tastes the same as green capsicum.

Thank you for your comments. Look out for low flying ducks.