Thursday, July 09, 2009

Transform and RUN AWAY

When the best part about a movie is the three minutes in the middle where you nick off to the toilet for a very satisfying whizz, you know you've just made a great investment to the cinema gods. My latest offering was in the form of $15 and about three-quarters of my brain to the geniuses behind Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen.

There should be laws against making movies this bad.

The worst thing is that it actually starts out ok - in the first ten minutes, we get Decepticons attacking Shanghai and the Autobots fucking their shit up. Optimus is in full-flight, ripping shards off anyone who comes within range. Nicely done. The Autobots, by the way, are working with the US Government (of course they are) to track down the Decepticons who are all kinds of pissed off about whatever happened in the first movie (possibly the fact that it was made), and are also looking for a new energon source (kind of like Transformers cheeseburgers - a life source) on Earth. So things get messy in Shanghai and buildings, bridges, cars, anything that gets in the way, is demolished by giant robots. Collateral damage, really, when it comes to saving the world. Apparently the US Government has managed to keep the existence of the Transformers a secret from the rest of the world, and they had a "hard time explaining" the 50-foot robot who fought off the 200-foot robot in front of thousands of people. I bet they did.

Minor quibbles aside, the movie was off to a cracking start. I wasn't hating it. The next ten minutes numbed my brain. Quick summary: Sam (hero of first movie) is off to college. His parents have apparently overdosed on "Shit Cliche Pills" and are having a hard time letting go of their son. Then there were two dogs fucking... twice... a couple of fart jokes (courtesy of some robots) and the worst scene in cinematic history where Sam's mum rampages around his college campus on a hash brownie bender.

Sam has also fairly inexplicably decided to leave his hot girlfriend at home... and his best friend, a transforming car named Bumblebee. Yeah Sam, nice work. Why would you want an awesome car and a hot girlfriend? The word "spastic" springs to mind. Actually, that word sprang to mind a lot during the course of this movie, which was a lot because this fucking flick goes for about 2 and a half hours.

Sam holds the key to the energon source that the Decepticons are after, and the Autobots have to try and protect him. Simple enough, really. It's funny how such a basic concept could have been expanded into many great moments. How this movie becomes such a fucking mess by forgetting about the plot and introducing two-thousand comic relief characters is completely beyond me. I swear there were at least a dozen scenes that were filmed for another movie and accidentally spliced into this one.

"But MEB, this is a childrenz' movie! LOL dont you think your're being to harsh on it LOLROFLCOPTER!"

I don't give a flying fuck who this movie is aimed at; it just shouldn't be as retarded as it is. Somewhere in the middle of this pile of shit, we meet an ice-cream van Transformer. Yep. An ice-cream van. While the Decepticons have fucking tanks, jets, armoured cars and construction vehicles that join together to form a giant fuck-off Transformer, the Autobots have ice-cream vans. But wait, it gets better - the ice-cream van is actually TWO Autobots - apparently the job of handing out soft-serves to the other Transformers is such a hard job that it requires the service of the two newest additions to my crowbar list, Mudflap and Skids. For no real reason, they switch from being joint ice-cream vendors to individual forms - some shit Holden Barina-type cars. Come on, US Government and Autobots... surely you could have found something that you know... had at least four gears and wouldn't break down all the time?

Mudflap and Skids then go about making this shit-flick even worse. They talk smack. They argue. They punch each other. They sound like they're from "da ghetto" and have mother-fucking gold teeth and admit that their "readin' aint so good, you know?" I was waiting for one of them to try and prostitute another Autobot off and then punch them in the mouth if they resisted. I've heard talk of a spin-off series featuring these two fucktards. Can't wait - I've always wondered what a transforming Barina would look like wearing a purple robe and a massive hat.

Seriously, the FATE OF THE WORLD IS AT STAKE (apparently) and who do the Autobots get to look after Sam? Not Ironhide. Not Ratchet. Hot Rod? No. Let's trust the fate of humanity to these fucking homos. Sometimes the world deserves to be blown up.

"LOL MEB you are angree 2day. but how good did the tranfomres look?!?!?!?!?! LOL"!"

The giant fucking robots did look fantastic, admittedly... until they moved. Congrats to the special effects team for giving me a seizure every time Optimus blinked. There are gears and cogs and shit spinning around so much on screen for the slightest movement, that when it comes down to two Transformers fighting it out, you have no fucking clue as to what's going on. I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be like those "Magic Eye" pictures that were awesome in 1994, but I'm pretty sure at one stage I saw a unicorn. I sure as fuck didn't see an entertaining film.

By the time "robot heaven" was introduced, I was ready to piss all over the movie reel. But then I realised that the director, producers, actors and even the boom-mike guy had already done that.

Transformers 2 sucked.

I would trust transforming shoes to save the world more than I would most things

1 comment:

Josh said...

I agree it was depressing as hell...and i REALLY liked the first one, like really, really, really. But i was actually bored during this one.

It was like Michael Bay asked "What did we do right in the first one? Good character development, introduced individual transformers well, good comedic timing, clever plot, STAYING TRUE TO THE ORIGINAL STORY...nah, fuck that. we've already done that. Let's explore 13yr old humor... and cover up our imateurity with big bangs and improperly formed humor from the parents..."

It shit me.

P.S. Soundwave was pretty friggin awesome though.