Thursday, May 07, 2009

Evil Tipping, Mister Breakfast Style... with cheese.

I think it would be difficult for Greg Inglis to be any more horizontal than he is right here.

Thank Christ for split rounds, huh (thank you). It means I can get away with an even more half-arsed blog entry than usual to keep the faithful readers happy (or angry, depending on whether you bother reading the footy tipping section; apparently most of you hate it. To you: Go fuck yourselves. But since you've probably already skipped this entry to update your Facebook profile to "I am drinking orange juice LOL!" you won't read that. But I hope you feel it).

So my tips last week sucked royal dog’s balls, apparently. I apologise to anyone who used my recommendations for their own footy tipping comp - at least you're not alone in being a complete numpty at tipping. Righto, onto week whatever-the-fuck-it-is...

Cowboys vs Dragons
Oh God, I don't know. Fuck. Why are these games all hard? Why can't just one team be consistent in either being good or being useless (other than the Raiders)? Honestly. The Cowboys can't decide whether they're shit-hot or just plain shit. I reckon they might be shit out-of-luck this week though, as I'm tipping the Dragons to have enough firepower to blow the Queenslander's defence away and win by about 8 points. Yeah. 8 points sounds good.

Knights vs Titans
It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Knights. The Titans are playing quite well by all reports (well, at least one report, and that came from Matt Rogers; can you trust that dirty rat?) and the Knights are trucking along nicely as well; they've won some close games so far this year, and have proven that they can knuck it out with the best of them. But I think this game will be decided by who cheats more, and in that case, the Titans will be easy victors.

Broncos vs Sea Eagles
I am so over Manly. So over them. I'm like Rachel when she got over Ross when he was about to buy a cat with Julie. That's how over them I am. They're missing the Beaver, who I watched play in Super League on Sunday night at a million o'clock. This will be Manly's best chance to get a win up, as the entire Brisbane side is playing in the Test on Friday night and may be drunk, hungover or in jail by the time this game gets under way. Still, my money is on Brissy to continue Manly's season of woe.

Roosters vs Storm
Welcome to Shitsville, population: Roosters and Storm. The Storm have no excuses; they have a team chock-full of superstars, yet can't win, thus confirming the old saying that "a star team will always beat a team of stars." It also backs up the phrase "Melbourne are shit." However, the Roosters also prove the saying "the Roosters a bunch of pretty boy tossers who couldn't play footy if their gayhomo haircuts depended on it" is true. Melbourne to win in a canter, not that anyone will care. Not even Melbourne.

This guy has a lovely beard.

AFL is still a fucking mystery to me, but I'm doing quite well in my tips, so I won't complain.

Bombers vs Hawks
In the last game I watched (which was in 1984), Essendon beat the Hawks by about 20 or something. I think Hawthorn are still hurting from that game, and seem hungrier than the Bombers to exact revenge. Hawks by a half dozen pies (is that an AFL expression? It is now).

Cats vs Swans
Um. I dunno. I think whenever I tip the Swans, they lose. So in the interest of making my friend happy (he goes for the Swans), I'll guarantee a win and back the Catties. Go you Cats. Sleep for 19 hours a day.

Tigers vs Lions
The battle of the big cats is on! Dare I say it, this could be a Thundercat kind of battle. But instead of a battle between the Thundercats and an evil alien mummy thing, it's just between two Thundercats. Apparently the Tigers are in a spot of bother this year, so I'll tip the Lions. Raaawrr.

Blues vs Dockers
I'm Blue da de da de da da da. I'm Blue something about Queen Amidala. I'm Blue if I was green I would die. These are the real lyrics to that song, people. At no stage does it mention the Dockers. Hence, the Blues will win. Pffft. Dockers. Who are they kidding?

Kangaroos vs Power
"I'm just waiting for some POWER!" These were the words of Billy Idol as he wandered aimlessly around a floating stage during the 2002 NRL Grand Final waiting for someone to plug in his guitar. That POWER never made it. And now we know why; it was too busy beating the shit out of some Kangaroos 7 years later in an AFL game. Thanks for coming, Billy.

Crows vs Bulldogs
Undeniably the game of the round. It's undeniable, don't try and deny it. You can't, by the very definition of the word. The Crows will obviously win, because that's what Crows do. They win. They're born winners. You'll see. Crows by seventy. Is that a lot? It seems like a lot. Maybe even eighty. Or eighty-four, I can't decide.

Eagles vs Demons
"If you're a complete fucking spastic, text your football team's name and their opposition to 1900-MY-HEAD'S-UP-MY-ARSE and receive the winner of that game direct to your mobile!" I did it, and it came back 'Eagles.' It's written in the stars, in txt.

Maggies vs Saints
Oh when the Saints... go marching in... oh when the Saints go marching in... I want them to beat the Magpies... oh when the Saints go marching in." Look, it's in a song that everybody knows that makes no sense, so they'll probably win. No one writes a song about Magpies, because they're vicious little fucks and I hate them. I hate them with a stick and a helmet with those plastic spikes in it.
I'm feeling confident about this week's tips. Oh yes. Oh yes. Yes. Sip em if you tip em!

1 comment:

April said...

It's no wonder your AFL tips are going so well, if the last game you watched was in 1984. Perhaps I should give you advice for your NRL tips, as I know nothing about form, players or teams (except that apparently the Raiders are the most awesome team in the comp), as a trade off for stealing your AFL tips?