Friday, May 22, 2009

round round round like a record baby

Welcome to the next round of footy tips. I know you were all waiting for my tips last week, sorry I missed them; I was too busy fighting off Matty Johns’ sexual advances. Oh wait, we’re over NRL sex jokes now? Right. In that case, I was too busy thieving bar mats from a Thai nightclub.

On that note, I will now not steal bar mats from King O’Malleys ever again, and especially not blame it on my friend when I/we get busted for it. I had no idea these things were so valuable. Sorry about that, Skip.

For all intensive purposes, let’s just assume that last week I tipped a full round and was proclaimed to be the best thing since bread came sliced. This week, tips are proudly brought to you by April O’Neil, who is actually a girl who lives in Perth and has never seen a game of rugby league. I reckon she’ll do ok.

Rock on, April…

Eels vs Rabbitohs
April says: So I’m pretty sure Big Russ dragged the Rabbitohs back from the abyss, and being a bit of a fan of his (because despite the fact that he’s a born kiwi lad we’ll actually claim him as our own because us Aussies are good like that) I’ll go with them this week.
Mister Evil Breakfast says: My brother will kill me if I tip the Bunnies because they get beaten whenever I do. Go Eels. My love for Parra is everlasting.

Wests Tigers vs Broncos
April: If I was asked to name one of the 16 footy teams, and for the benefit of the readers by footy I mean NRL (in case you are an AFL convert like me), it would be the Broncos. I don’t know why I happen to know they play in maroon and are from Brisbane, but I do. And after watching Sports Tonight last night, why the hell is Wests plural? It’s as bad as my brother’s hockey team Wasps. You think you’ve finished yelling for your team, and all of a sudden you have a whole heap of snakes hissing. Broncos, just so I don’t get tongue tied when I mention their name.
MEB: I like your style, April. Alas, the Broncos uniform is more white and yellow than it is maroon, but your heart is in the right place, i.e. your chest. I knew a guy who had his heart in his left leg; that was weird. I’m lying, I don’t know anyone like that at all. I need to meet more people.

Sharks vs Dragons
April: Whilst arse can get you a long way in footy tipping, there are some golden rules. Like not picking the bottom side, unless their coach has been sacked in which case they are sure to be playing your team and will beat them. So Dragons for me.
MEB: I love that Cronulla is in the comp, it means that the Raiders won’t come last. Awesome.

Panthers vs Roosters
April: Panthers have that slick, sexy, mysterious look about them. Roosters are annoying when they wake you up at stupid o'clock. Panthers.
MEB: And I hate Willie Mason.

Bulldogs vs Storm
April: We had our first rains in about 23 years today, so if that's not an omen I don't know what is. Storm.
MEB: I am SO hungry right now.

Raiders vs Warriors
April: I'm sorry, I can't do it. I'm sure most readers are massivo Raiders fans, but tipping with your heart won't win the big bucks (and if there are big bucks involved why don't I know about them???). Plus Kiwi's are hot (and given their World Cup win last year, can apparently play a bit too). Warriors
MEB: The Raiders were obviously robbed in last week’s game (lost 46-6 to the Storm) so they’ll use that as motivation to overrun the hapless kiwis. And I have it on good authority that Joel Monaghan is getting his hair cut today, so he’ll be looking slick and will be more aerodynamic than ever.

Titans vs Sea Eagles
April: It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Sea Eagles (thought I'd keep some continuity on the blog). I tried to find some photos of the teams/boys to make a typical female call based on colours and arses. All I could come up with was that Manly’s Matt Ballin was voted the sexiest man in the NRL. So I typed his name into the search engine and came up with this photo:

I thought ‘if that’s the best NRL had to offer it’s no wonder I watch AFL! But then I googled him, and found a photo with his shirt off. All was forgiven – Manly, whichever of the two teams that is.
MEB: I appreciate the continuity. For the record, I don't rate Matt Ballin at all, Manly are the Sea Eagles and the Titans are a bunch of girls.

Cowboys vs Knights
April: Cowboys are so not fashionable at the moment, but every single gal wants a Knight in shining armour to sweep her off her feet. Knights
MEB: Knights are shinier, too.

April: I take no responsibility for my actions… or these tips.
MEB: With great power comes great responsibility. And women.

This seems to be a well-rehearsed play. Forget about looking at the ball, just wave your hands around

Do they still play AFL? I hadn’t noticed. In the rare event that they players all stop tickling each other and kick the ball betwixt those sticks, here’s who will win:

Cats vs Dogs
The epic struggle of history’s greatest rivals continues. Most would say dogs will win, but dogs are stupid, and if you piss a cat off, the dog will always get a fair scratching. Cats can be vicious, man.

Kangaroos vs Dockers
When I was typing this, I accidentally wrote “Doggers” and then it took me about an hour to realise that there’s (a) no such word as Doggers, and (b) I wouldn’t go for them even if there was such a word. Go Roos. I’m so tired.

Crows vs Blues
I saw a crow on the way into work today. I’ll take that as an omen. It might have been a magpie, actually. I think it was dead. Hmmm. Sometimes these omens are hard to decipher. Like, my car is blue, but that’s not a good enough omen for me. I see that thing every day.

Eagles vs Magpies
I can fly higher than an eagle because you are the wind beneath my wings. Thank you for providing inspiration to the Eagles, Bette Middler. I’ll never forget your guest appearance on Seinfeld. I have no idea how you ever became famous or successful.

Tigers vs Bombers
The Tiges are in Struggletown, if what I’m hearing on Sports Tonight is correct. The Bombers are in Essendon. I think that speaks volumes.

Swans vs Power
On REM’s fourth CD (Lifes Rich Pageant, 1986) there’s a song called “Swan Swan H.” It’s a really good song, actually. The H was finally revealed in 2007 to stand for “Hummingbird” which I already knew, because it’s the next word in the chorus. Sometimes Michael Stipe isn’t as cryptic as he thinks he is. Go Swans.

Saints vs Lions
I think these teams should merge and be St Lions. How awesome would that be? A big fuck-off lion cruising around spreading peace and doing God’s will by eating people. I can’t wait. I think the Saints are going well this year, yes? Let’s continue on that bandwagon then, friends.

Hawks vs Demons
Seriously, how many teams are in this comp? I feel like I’ve been writing this shit for hours. I’ve got things to do today. Honestly. I think I heard something the other day about how much the Demons suck; I admit, I may be making things up or hearing voices, but those voices haven’t let me down yet, so I’m going to stick with them. Go Hawkeye.

Good luck this week, and remember: Tipping isn't just for Christmas.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

if an nrl player's head isn't looking like a half chewed mintie then they clearly aren't playing hard enough. this is why by 'sexiest man in league' they may be referring to the body as opposed to the head. it's the pretty ones we hate!