Monday, February 09, 2009

glassy eyed and fatigued

There are few things in life better than a good movie, I reckon. I dare say that beating Ricky Ponting with a rusty crowbar that has jagged edges would be as satisfying as a good movie (and would also make a great movie). A bottle of scotch that I can exchange for a case of beer which I could then drink would be on par with a good movie. Owning a rhino would be as enjoyable as a good movie, especially if it assisted me in my crowbar beating escapades (that would be another great movie).

Unfortunately, movies that come out now are usually fairly dicey and not worth the trillion bucks it costs you to catch it at Hoyts. Storylines give way to special effects; actors demand scenes that don't fit; eye-candy is presented where a plot would be better; scripts are worked to include an open ending to allow for sequels and crossovers. And there are some other things that Transformers didn't do as well.

Here's what's coming up in 2009:

Tim Allen vs Predator - When the Predator appears in the sewers of Detroit, there's only one man who can stop it. Ugh ugh ugh. The part of Al will be played by Christian Bale.

High School Musical 9: Yes, We're Still In Fucking High School - Zac Efron brings his character to life once more as a 38 year old high-school kid. Is he too old to make quarterback this year? Hit songs like "Can't Sack the Zac" and "Go long, go deep, go hard" prove that he's still got the magic. Zac also teaches his own children (who are in the same grade as he is) the dangers of drugs.

Monk the Movie - Everyone's favourite neurotic, obsessive-compulsive Jewish detective breaks through stereotypes while solving murder cases in this movie about a TV show that no-one watched.

Jingle all the Way - Arnold Schwarzenneger's classic 1996 Christmas movie has been remade for families of today! The same slapstick humour and good, wholesome family fun from the original remain, plus all new laughs as the hunt for the must-have Christmas gift is on! Stars Rob Schneider and Seth Rogen.

I Now Pronounce You Chunk and Harry - When the Goondocks are in trouble again, it's up to Chunk to save the day! Following another treasure map, Chunk finds himself at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and teams up with the world's most famous wizard, Harry Potter for magic, adventure and romance.

Austin Powers: Quantum of Scotland - The hilarious Mike Myers is back as everyone's favourite hilarious shagadelic spy in this hilarious new instalment of hilarity. As Dr Evil threatens the world with his usual hilarious antics such as "laser" beams and "sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads", Austin must unite a team of hilarious crime-fighters (all played by Myers, and all with hilarious Scottish accents!) before it's too late. Also stars Ewan McGregor as a Canadian.

Two and a Half Men - Charlie Sheen and the other guy and the fat kid learn a bit more about each other and themselves in a full-length feature film based on the hit sitcom. Charlie's constant womanising starts to make the other guy feel uncomfortable as the fat kid starts to ask questions about sex. But when the other guy meets a cocktail waitress (Lori Loughlin), Charlie accuses him of being a hypocrit. Featuring music by U2.

Land Before Time 219,483,904,329,320 - Littlefoot thinks he can see a comet but no one believes him, with hilarious results.

Eating Pasta in a Space Suit - An instructional video on how to eat pasta in a space suit. SPOILER ALERT: It involves removing the space suit then eating the pasta.

Cage Fight - Filmed in one-take on a steadicam, Nicholas Cage gets his ass handed to him by Seth Rogen and Michael Cera in a brutal ambush in an alley next to a fire station. Also stars William Baldwin and Christian Bale.

It's a Movie, Charlie Brown - with every cartoon and comic being adapted to film, it was only a matter of time before the Peanuts characters followed suit. This live-action comedy drama will bring laughter and tears as Charlie Brown (Star Wars' Jake Lloyd) and Linus (Zac Efron) hide out in the pumpkin patch to wait for The Great Pumpkin to appear. Also stars Lindsay Lohan as Peppermint Pattie and Courtney Cox as Lucy.

2 Shawshank 2 Redemption - Five years have passed since Andy and Red left Shawshank prison. But they run into one of their old cellmates (played by Snoop Dogg), who threatens to hand Andy over to the police... unless they help him carry out a series of daring casino heists. Jessical Alba stars as Red's sexy new girlfriend who joins them for explosions, car chases, incredible martial arts action and a tangled web of intruigue.

Rocky 9 -As he approaches his 100th birthday, Rocky Balboa couldn't possibly take on a new breed of genetically enhanced cyborg fighters, could he? The Italian Stallion is back against all odds, out of retirement again and eager to prove himself to the world.

Club Sandwich - In this sequel to Fight Club, Tyler Durden meets himself for lunch, and they both expect the other one to pick up the cheque. Ed Norton and Brad Pitt team up for more anarchy, revolution and an antipasto platter - to share.

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