Thursday, January 24, 2008

just like home-made

Yep. Swanky new blog design. I clicked on some extra buttons when I was posting and look what happened. I impress myself way too much.

Can someone please explain what's going on with cafes and sandwich shops these days? A sandwich is still just a slice of bread, meat, cheese, perhaps some salad and then another piece of bread chucked on top, right? (I'm right, trust me, I've done some research) How this can cost $7.50 is beyond me. For $7.50, I could buy enough bread, meat, cheese and salad to feed a large herd of sandwich-hungry elephants. Sorry, I didn't realise I now required to take out a loan for lunch. Just having a coffee? You're up to your eyeballs in debt, sunshine. Or you would be, if you hadn't already sold them on the black market to pay for a pack of Burger Rings from the vending machine. A coffee will cost you around $3.50 for a tiny little cup. I could buy most of Brazil for $3.50. I just don't want to. It's not in my 5-year plan.

Here are the instructions for making coffee:
Put a teaspoon of coffee into your mug. Add hot/boiling water. Add milk and sugar to taste. Stir well. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Or you may be one of those champions with a coffee machine, or have decided that you're too good for instant coffee. Fine.

Here are the instructions for making plunger coffee:
Put ground coffee beans into carafe (yes, that's what they're called). Add hot/boiling water. Push down plunger. Pour into mug. Add milk and sugar to taste. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Here's how to make percolated coffee:
Insert coffee and coffee filter. Add water. Wait for coffee jug to fill up. Pour from jug into mug. Add milk and sugar to taste. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Or if you're one of those 'hoity toity' types who has their own "cafe style" machine at home:
Turn on machine. Go to uni for seven years until you learn how to use it. Clean out filter, rinse grinder. Wait for machine to warm up. Cut leg off and wait for it to grow back. Insert coffee beans. Wait for machine to cool down. Add water. Wait for water to boil. Rent 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy and watch them back-to-back (including extra footage). Fill cup with coffee. Put milk in 'frothing jug' and attach to 'frothing knob'. Travel into the future. Serve as soon as possible, cause by the time you've made one, the milk will have expired, you'll have missed your own 90th birthday party, and apes will rule the world & they'll wonder why you spent $1,000 on the world's largest paper-weight.

Since when has having a coffee required you to save up? Since when has a sandwich become a status symbol? Why is a salad costing $6.00?

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, I like the taste of cafe style coffee."
"You know what I like? Not being a chump."


Anonymous said...

Fuck'n ey. Coffee is a rort.

surlyraider said...

Although I am not a Bondi-living Sydney-side wanker, I do love a delicious latte. Especially one that I make myself.

Anonymous said...

Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
I've been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

Thumbs up, and keep it going!