What would a weekly blog about the NRL be without taking a huge steaming pile of number twos right on the Broncos? Coincidentally, that is exactly how club legend Julian O'Neil got fired, but that's a story for another day.
This week, the National Broncos League shot themselves in the foot by concentrating on trying to bring online trolls to justice for spreading rumours about coach Anthony Siebold, who has hired Liam Neeson to track down these keyboard warriors with his particular set of skills that he acquired over a very long career. Personally, I would have just said "no, it's not true that I sit down to wee" and concentrated a bit more on, you know, coaching my struggling football team instead of worrying about what a fucking idiot on the computer is blogging about instead of doing his work.
Star centre and part-time porn star Kotoni Staggs showered in petrol and threw himself on the proverbial fire by calling out the club's "leadership group" for not being "good leaders" but then announced that he was "a good leader" while handing over a couple of grand for leading the players outside of their COVID quarantine bubble and hitting the slot machines at the local RSL. It's good to see that Stagg's defense off the field is as confusing as his efforts while playing.
Everyone's new favourite team, the Gold Coast Titans, did their little brother club a solid this week and tried to take the heat off Brisbane by embroiling themselves in a media circus surrounding Kevin Proctor being accused of biting Shaun Johnson during their game against Cronulla. I was disappointed that there were no headlines of "Man Bites Shark" in the Telegraph or "Rugby player takes Johnson in the mouth" on PornHub. Proctor was subsequently banned for four games for having a nibble on Johnson, who was described as 'a snack' during judicial proceedings (and found guilty). For such a breach of the rules - not only for player safety, but also morally - I would have thought a harsher penalty might be in order, like having to play for the Broncos for a month, but this punishment was deemed to breach the international human rights treaty under the United Nations Convention Against Torture.
As if you wouldn't have a bite on this
Round 15:
Parramatta Eels vs Melbourne Storm
The Storm head into the match on a high after smashing the ever-living fuck out of the Roosters last week, although will be severely undermanned this round with fresh injuries to Jahrome Hughes, Dale Finucane and Suliasi Vunivalu. Parra have once again managed to avoid the injury curse currently plaguing the league, but have a lot of work to do after a disappointing loss last week to the Dragons. I'm tipping the Storm to battle through and take this one, based on nothing much at all.
Penrith Panthers vs Cronulla Sharks
In a game of two halves, the Panthers have shown that they are a team of two sides - showing flair and brilliance in attack in the first forty minutes, and then displaying their fragility and ineptitude in defense in the second. Either way, the worst Penriff defense will trump the best Cronulla attack. Look for Matt Moylan to injure himself trying to open a pre-game Powerade. Those caps can be tough to get off, but how he manages to dislocate his ankle while doing it will be the main concern.
Brisbane Broncos vs St George Dragons
I would rarely punt for any team with Corey Norman in it, but I just can't see the Broncos winning anything right now. Adding to their woes, Brisbane keep managing to injure each other at training, which is surprising in itself as they don't play like a team who has done much practice. The latest casualty is Tommy Flegler, who will require shoulder surgery following an incident during the week - possibly during a drunken game of Hoppo Bumpo. Anthony Milford makes an early return for the Broncos after some pretend hamstring injuries, which only increases my predictions that the Saints will take this one easily.
Gold Coast Titans vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO
Go you Raiders. This one won't be a walk in the park, as the Tits are actually putting together some very decent performances lately, so it either means that the team has finally started clicking, or it's contract negotiation time. Maybe if Canberra could not fuck around for the first half like they did last week, that would be great. It was so painful to watch that it hurt Ricky Stuart's back.
Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters
The Roosters have resisted rushing Sonny Bill Williams into the team to cover even more injuries from last week, including star playmaker Luke Keary, who has done his shoulder from carrying this overpaid bunch of sooks for the last six weeks. Normally I would tip against the Roosters in this situation, but the Tigers only just got over the Bulldogs last week, so they're not exactly playing top-tier footy either. I'm predicting a Roosters win, based on controversy, with injuries to two players and Jared Waera-Hargreaves to be put on report. Again.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles
This will be a desperate game for both teams to win; Souths need to solidify their spot in the top eight, and Manly need to win to remain in finals contention just in time for all of their players to come back from injury (and then lose again). Souths have a stronger team on paper, and that's where this game will be won or lost. On paper. In the bin. The recycling bin. Because I care for the environment. But not like heaps. Just enough.
Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors
So maybe it was Stephen Keaney who was holding the Warriors back this whole time? While I would love to see the Doggies get up to pile more pressure onto the Broncos to come last, I don't know if I want to see it happen at the Warriors expense. Maybe Newcastle or the Tigers, or a team that no one cares that much about?
Newcastle Knights vs North Queensland Cowboys
I am predicting the most free-flowing game of the year here. Both teams have a couple of flyers who are probably desperate to get into open space. Cowboys' speed-merchant (not that kind of speed, Jesse Bromwich) Hamiso "The Hammer" Tabuai-Fidow scored one of the tries of the year last week with an insane display of toe (not that kind of toe, Kotoni Staggs), and I'd be happy for my tips (not the frosted kind, Dylan Brown) to get fucked up (no, 1997 Newcsatle Knights team) to see some more of that.
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