Friday, September 17, 2010


Dear Channel 10,

I would just like to congratulate you on continuing your outstanding level of excellence in terms of news and programming quality. I would never have known that 2010 marked the tenth anniversary of the 2000 Olympics without your sensational coverage of some kind of bizarre celebration of a sporting event that had around eight hours of vision showing Cathy Freeman waiting to light a giant candle. The four people who cared enough to turn up to see it created a great “atmosphere” in which John Paul Young (seriously?) was able to “rock out” to.

I would also like to thank you for not showing The Simpsons and instead deciding to concentrate on repeated highlights of the “anniversary celebration” including an interview with two volunteers from the Sydney Olympics. I then sat riveted to the screen as the guy who used to host Sports Tonight described a fireworks display for all the viewers. You should have warned me that fireworks were involved though; it scared the shit out of my ceramic cat collection.

Next year will be the first anniversary of the 2010 Soccer World Cup and I hope that this milestone is recognised for its part in bringing the world together.

I would also like to commend your journalists for never shying away from the big news stories, especially international events. I rely on your news bulletins and updates to stay on top of current affairs, and without your constant “Top Story Recaps” I would never have known that Oprah Winfrey and a horde of rich, screaming American women were coming to Australia. I shall practice turning two syllable words into complete sentences, elongating the ends of words and raising my voice for no apparent reason for her arrival. Oh sorry, for HE-ER ARRIVAAAAAAAL.

The best part about your news coverage though, Channel 10, is the far reaches that your journalists will go to in order to provide us with vision. In a rare story last night that wasn’t about Oprah Winfrey’s visit “down under,” I saw that George Michael (“George MICHAAAAAAAEL”) crashed his car into a shop while smoking a crack-pipe or something. As the story unfolded, highlights of George’s career were revealed to us, from the obligatory “Wake me up before you go-go” video to his appearance on an episode of “Extras” starring Rick-ky GERVAAAAAIIIIIIIIIS. Apparently the news budget doesn’t allow for file footage of a guest appearance on a free-to-air television series, so credit must go to the genius who decided to show YouTube clips of George Michael instead. I’m super impressed that you decided to use the grainy, obviously-videoed-from-a-TV-using-a-bad-mobile-phone-camera-then-uploaded-to-the-internet version, too.

Carry on the good work! I look forward to you flogging the shit out of Modern Family (I can see that you already have the first series billed as “classic” episodes, while we are just entering season two). All the best with squeezing every last drop out of MasterChef – I particularly enjoyed watching Junior MasterChef; I’m sure all of the kids involved in that cash cow have bright futures with the cooking careers that their parents are in no way pushing them into. I know I had my whole life planned out when I was 12, too.

Kind regards,

Mister Evil Breakfast

PS. Have you ever thought about doing a police drama?

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