Friday, September 10, 2010

NRL Finals Week 1: La la la


Oh wait, there it is.

Titans vs Warriors
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Warriors. This is a fucking cracker to pick – two teams that I know very little about except that I hate the Titans’ Mat Rogers, the greasy fucker, and I have no ill-will towards the Warriors at all. In fact, I quite like them.

But this isn’t a popularity contest, apparently; there’s some kind of rugby league game involved. I have the sneaking suspicion that the Warriors will play the better football, but the Titans are going to end our Kiwi cousins’ season this weekend. Kumate kumate.

Tigers vs Roosters
This match-up sees two massive show ponies come together as Benji “Remember my flick pass of 2005?” Marshall and Todd “…yeah it’s a real… uh… you know… uh… dream come… you know… true for me… to uh… you know…” Carney lock horns. These guys are actually two of the game’s true drawcards who play fairly different brands of footy. Where Benji will use a bit of razzle dazzle and fancy footwork to find gaps in the defense, Carney will look for the unmarked player, the cross-field kick, the short flat pass and the massive quantities of ecstasy and cocaine to get the job done.

Dally M player of the year Todd Carney is possibly still chasing space shuttles as we speak (possibly looking for signs of a personality – mission failed), which bodes quite well for the Tigers lads who will be thinking about more than another sponsorship deal. After a good ninety-eight hours of to-ing and fro-ing between these teams, I’m putting my faith in Benji’s Magpie-Tiger hybrid to get me home. Go fuck yourself, Carney, you fucking fuck. Your tattoos are shit, too.

Panthers vs Raiders
The mighty fucking Raiders travel to Pussy Town for another walk in the park after catching some sun on the Brisbane banks last weekend. The Panthers will be confident after last week’s big win over the team coming last, so well done to them. Their recovery session consisted of robbing a home for blind orphans and making fun of Julia Gillard for having red hair.

No one can stop the Raiders this year. Nobody.

Dragons vs Manly
Now, I’m not going to say that Manly suck – I’ll leave that to everyone else. I’m just going to say that they might as well not even bother turning up for this game. And judging from who they’ve got playing this weekend, it seems that they aren’t. With a million people out on suspension (see you in 2028, Matai, you fucking slack prick), another thousand on the injured list and the rest being from Manly, this could be the most embarrassing moment in the Sea Eagles proud history since John Hopoate touched people up on the field and Brett Stewart did it off.

Expect Saints coach, Wayne “I smiled once in 1984, now fuck off” Bennett, to be able to take 12 men off the field for the duration of the second half and still win by 60.

I will tip for you at night-time; I will tip you in four places.

Sometimes there’s such a thing as “too much charisma”


Anonymous said...

Hoppa touched fellas up for the Tigers!

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

But he'll always be a Manly boy to me.

Please don't put truth in my insane rantings...