Monday, February 25, 2008

Shopping is awesome

Like a tiger. The head of Telstra is awesome too, just like me.

Dear Shopping Centre Patrons,

I'm sure you will agree with me when I say that shopping centres are awesome. You can wander around and buy things, pretend to buy things, see a movie, steal the dividers between band names in CD shops, grab a bite at the food court, throw food at people in the food court, buy a Boost Juice and look cool, try on clothes that you don't like, sit on furniture that you can't afford, try on hats, pretend you're interested in buying a giant plasma tv, talk to some guy about connecting your house to Foxtel and walk away as he's preparing the paperwork, stand outside the bank and wait for it to open since it's there to 'meet your needs', wonder if it's too late to buy rollerblades, set off all the wind-up toys at the same time, and generally annoy people. Annoying people is awesome, but only when I do it.

Something that's not awesome is when there are way too many other people who distract me from being awesome, and just make me angry. I'm not saying it's you, Shopping Centre Patron, but it just might be.

One of the scourges of our great centres, plazas, malls, arcades and boulevards are people who stop for no reason. There's nothing interesting in the shop window, there's no one talking to them, they didn't just realise that they left the stove on. Perhaps they can't walk and breathe at the same time. Sudden Stoppers beware: I am not a fan of bumping into people I don't know (unless it's during a random game of Hoppo Bumpo), and so the next person who does this to me, especially at either end of an escalator, is going to get a good punch in the back of their head. You've been warned.
And what's the dealio with escalators? They're not a ferris wheel, Patrons of the Shopping Centre. It's not a fucking ride. Just because they move doesn't mean that you have to stop. And if you're an ugly emo teenager with an ugly emo teenage boyfriend/girlfriend, a trip on the escalator does NOT mean you have permission for an ugly 15-second make-out session.

Children are also now officially banned from escalators. No, they're banned from shopping completely. They get in my way far too often. Same with old people. From now on, shopping centres have an age limit between 10 and 70. If you're not between those ages, and you decide to head into Sanity to see if the new Garth Brooks CD is out, you'd better hope I'm not there, cause there'll be fists of fury coming your way. That Garth Brooks CD is mine. All of them.

If you are a parent of a child, show them some respect and don't buy them a "I'm a 12-year old slut" t-shirt. The fact that she's wearing fuck-me-boots and already has a hole in her fishnets gives it away anyway. Why would any decent parent let their 12-year old slut walk around with "I give good head" on their t-shirt? Both of you are getting a taste of my crowbar. I'm hoping that your tastebuds are located at the back of your head, cause that's where it's going.

To avoid becoming a statistic, stick to these simple rules:

Don't piss me off by being too young, too old, too stupid, a slut or the parent of a slut.


I hope that this letter is the first step forward to a new level of awesome in the world of shopping for all of us.

love Mister Evil Breakfast

PS. If anyone else is in the Bob the Builder truck or the Wiggles' Big Red Car when I want a ride, you're getting your arse kicked.

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