Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Bad and mean, MEB style







Traditional Canberra food

Nothing says Canberra like the bloody Raiders. You have to say it like that. Bloody Raiders.

“Hey Steve, did you catch the footy?”
“Yeah mate. Bloody Raiders.”

“Who’d you tip for Friday night’s game?”
“Bloody Raiders.”

“Have you seen my sock?”
“Bloody Raiders.”

Bloody Raiders. For years, Canberra has placed all of their sporting hopes in these bumbling fucking idiots. But there have been a few distractions along the way, a false hope, like when you go out on the piss one night with $120 in your wallet. The next thing you remember, you’re in your bed, you’re still fully clothed and you smell like four-day-old ass. All you want is some shit greasy food and a game of cricket to watch. You struggle down to the takeaway shop, positive that there is no way on God’s lime green earth that you spent $120 last night, but when you reach into your pocket for some cash and your hand comes out empty, all you can do is cry. That’s kind of what happened briefly when the Super 12 Ruby Union competition began. For a while, the Brumbies were the best thing since Laurie Daley’s groin, but then people began to realise that the game is decided by the referee, who gives penalties for breathing too loud. I guess that’s why people with asthma don’t play rugby much. Poor little asthma sufferers. But they do get those cool little blue puffers. I always wanted one of those. The rules of union are way too confusing and watching a giant “stacks on” game isn’t as much fun as it sounds. And for some reason, the crowd dress up like they’ve just come from having a Queer Eye makeover, drink champagne and discuss the big merger that’s coming up. The real people (the punters) would probably rather spend $120 on the turps and feel like shit the next day than have to sit through another Brumbies match, and the Brumbies ‘faithful’ began to dwindle.

Among it all were the little battlers called the bloody Raiders.

The high points for the bloody Raiders came in 89 and 90, and again in 94, as they hoisted the Winfied Cup aloft (and dropped it off the back of a ute), and they would have won it again in 95 except Ricky Stuart snapped his leg and the bloody Raiders did what they always do in a time of crisis: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They tried some young bloke from St Mary’s under 12 side, and s/he was found to be in need of a good punch in the face, which I’m sure was given by at least 16 other blokes. So they tried an Eskimo from a formerly undiscovered tribe in the important number 7 jersey. Surprisingly, Tarka’s ball handling skills were less than remarkable (good kicking game though) and he didn’t last long either. The whole team fell apart in a syndrome that has been recently diagnosed as “Joey Johns Disease”. It was sad to watch these once-mighty titans fall into a large pile of shit. It was probably hilarious for the rest of Australia, who hated the talent, the speed, the rugged good looks and of course, the beautiful lime-green jerseys of the bloody Raiders.

We were treated to some “rebuilding years” as the majority of the bloody Raiders left Canberra due to retirement, injuries and rehab commitments. These rebuilding years tested the loyalty of the fickle Canberra fans, who briefly toyed with the idea of once again going to the Brumbies, but then thought that they could sit at home, eat cold pies and be bored for a lot less effort and a lot less money. The Canberra Cosmos soccer team enjoyed a crowd (once), the Cannons fell apart in exact proportion to the amount of scalp that was showing through Phil Smythe’s hair, the Bushrangers played baseball, the Capitals are a women’s basketball team (no slam dunks, hence BORING), the Comets were under prepared for first class cricket (Merv Hughes? Under prepared? Never), and the Knights play the world’s fastest team sport in slow motion. With no sporting heroes to worship, Canberrans did the only thing they know how to do - bitch and moan about the bloody Raiders. They were a team that had been there and done that, they could take the brunt of media abuse, bottles from the crowd, death threats from me and, in the case of at least two players, no bar service in Canberra.

And they’re still going today. They might not be winning like the team of yesteryear, but they have the same spirit and pride in the lime green jersey as those troopers of 1982. Except that most of them are leaving to earn more money somewhere else. I’m looking at YOU, Shifcofske. And by the way, you have something on your cheek.

To the mighty bloody Raiders: Good luck for the rest of the season. You’ve cracked the top eight, and have the ability to upset a few of the… well, better teams.

For those Canberrans unfamiliar with exactly who plays for the bloody Raiders, next time you’re out and about in the city, look for the big bloke lying in the gutter, unable to speak coherently. Chances are, it’s the next captain of the team – he’s not drunk, he’s just a fucking spastic. I love those guys.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Speaking of blood raiders leads me to the bloody crows.
It is probably a good opportunity to look at the history of my beloved Crows, even though on the weekend they ripped my heart out, threw against the wall, gave it to some pigs to nibble on and sold it to a paedophile. In other words they inexcusably surrendered to the arch enemy, the port adelaide shmower.

Let me tell you I will be in a bad mood for about six months until we get to play them again. However I do love my crows and whilst a loss the shmower can never be forgiven or forgotten their does need to be a time when you move on. As such following is a history of the formation of the might Adelaide crows.

The following story itemises the sequence of events which brought about the formation of the club and it's entry into the Australian Football League.

First commitment to such a course came as long ago as Friday June 12th, 1981, when at a special meeting of the South Australian National Football League, the then League Directors voted unanimously to support an application for the inclusion of an SANFL team in the Victorian Football League competition commencing Season 1982.

Importantly, even at this very initial stage, firm guidelines were set and the decision embraced the basic principles that:
1. The team be corporately owned and managed by the SANFL.
2. It be known as the Adelaide Football Club
3. It be a composite team of players selected from the member clubs of the SANFL
4. Football Park be its home ground, and it establish playing, training and administrative headquarters at that venue.

An SANFL delegation comprising Messrs. M.R. Basheer (President), R.W. Lee (Vice President), J. Swain (Director) and D.V. Roach (General Manager) presented this application to a full meeting of the Victorian Football League in July 1981.


On August 27th, 1981, the VFL advised that the application for entry into Season 1982 had not been approved, but that it wished to continue discussions on the possibility of a team being accepted in 1983 or 1984. Discussion and negotiations did continue through 1983 and 1984, and on through 1985 and 1986: but to no avail.

On May 21st, 1986, the SANFL formed a company, Adelaide Football Club Incorporated, with all issued shares in the said company owned by the league. Discussion and negotiations with the VFL continued through 1987, 1988, and 1989, still without agreement reached; and in 1990 the VFL became the Australian Football League.

Then, notwithstanding the unanimous resolution of the SANFL clubs in May 1990 that a team would not be entered into the AFL until season 1993, the Port Adelaide Football Club, in July 1990, reached heads of agreement with the AFL to enter a team into its competition in season 1991.

The other nine league clubs reacted strongly and entered into litigation in an endevour to halt Port's bid.

It was noted that terms and conditions offered to Port Adelaide in respect to its proposed entry, were significantly more favourable than those which had previously been offered to the SANFL in respect to a composite team, and in September 1990 the league officially applied to the AFL for the admission of the Adelaide Football Club under terms and conditions similiar to those offered to Port Adelaide.

At the Australian Football League meeting held on 19th September 1990, directors voted in favour of the Adelaide Football Club application. The Adelaide Football Club was well and truly alive.

The SANFL moved immediately to protect and secure playing strength for the new club. South Australian football legends Bob Hammond and Neil Kerley were co-opted to work with SANFL Administration Manager, Murray Tippet, to identify, commit to, and contract required players. There can be no doubt that 1991 playing performance reflected their dedication and professionalism in fulfilling this assignment.

The Head Licence between South Australian National Football League and the Australian Football League was signed on October 11th, 1990. At a meeting of Directors held on October 12th, 1990, the SANFL elected the Inaugural Board of the Adelaide Football Club comprising Messrs. M.R. Basheer (Chairman), R. Allert, E. Betro, R. Hammond, R.W. Lee, A. Sutter and L.R. Whicker.

This board, which was to act in an interim capacity until such time as a permanent board could be elected at the Annual General Meeting of the SANFL, first met on Monday, October 15th, 1990. It took responsibility for setting the structure of the club, for negotiating agreements, for launching the club and for all planning and activity associated with early operations of the club.

The Inaugural Board at its meeting on February 13th, 1991 agreed and signed the Sub-Licence Agreement between SANFL, AFL, and AFC. The Inaugural Board last met on February 20th, 1991. It had made a huge contribution to our formation.

At the Annual General Meeting of the South Australian National Football League on February 25th, 1991, directors of the league elected the first permanent board of the Adelaide Football Club.

When this board first met on Tuesday, February 26th, 1991, Adelaide Football Club had been well and truly formed -
Long may it survive and prosper

x2 said...

How About Adam Mogg, he could be captain next year if he stayed.

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Fuck me drunk, and I thought I had a lot of spare time on my hands. Apparently not, as we now know what some old bloke had for breakky on June 12th 1972 before he thought about assfucking an entire Aussie Rules team.

It is also very inappropriate to waste precious internet space talking about the ADELAIDE CROWS during CANBERRA appreciation month.
How rude. The Crows lost on the weekend because they were too busy thinking about skullfucking the full forward after the game. The Raiders lost because they're shit. Let me tell you about the Raiders.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 1985 blah blah blah blah blah blah 1989 blah blah blah blah Big Mal blah blah Chicka blah blah blah blah chip and chase by Mullins, chip and chase again by Mullins, if this comes off it'll be a miracle. It is a miracle blah blah blah blah Simon fucking Woolford.

Go the mighty Raiders.

Mister Evil Breakfast said...

Dear X2,

Moggy can't be the captain if he doesn't leave BECAUSE HE IS LEAVING! He's heading off to France to shove baguettes down his pants and hang out with Gerard Depardieu.
Alan Tongue will be the captain because he (a) is a ginger ninja, (b) has a cool name, and (c) will be the only person left in the team with more than 15 seconds of first grade experience. Oh, and (d) he will be the only person left in the team at all. They'll probably go alright actually.

choclate starfish said...

Ricky Stuart for coach.
Bring It!!!!
Who is the schmuck that is repalcing Elliot anway??????