Wednesday, December 01, 2004

if you're confused, check with the sun

welcome to australia, if it's your first time here. and holy shit, you've picked a doozy of a time to arrive. could it be any fucking hotter? the answer is


so grab the nearest acubra with corks dangling from it, throw another shrimp on any hot surface (which is basically anything), grab a cold one from the esky, sit around and mumble "too fucking hot" whenever anyone says anything to you.

who has the best job in australia? there's two people (i think). they are the two guys that host 'cheez tv', which is basically 'agro's cartoon connection', 'the early bird show' and 'what's up doc' but instead of a total hornbag chick talking about cartoons (except maybe 'the early bird show', but only cause i can't remember the chick from it), there's these two wanker guys doing it. i remember them starting this gig when i was in high school, so they've been doing it for about 10 years.

why is this the best job in australia? cause they work for literally 4 minutes a day.

4 minutes.

you can boil one and one-third eggs in that time. and the working day is done. i'll take you through a working day in the lives of "bill" and "phil" (i can't remember their names, honestly).

- 06.30: bill: "hi kids, welcome to cheez tv."
phil: "today we've got the same cartoons we had yesterday, sonic x and yu-gi-oh, which i've never actually heard of, but sound suspiciously like pokemon. so here we go. here's a cartoon about a computer game character that you wouldn't have heard of unless you had a sega megadrive."

wow. that was a hardcore one minute fifty-four effort, bill.
i agree, phil.

-07.00: bill: "and now it's time for yu-gi oh, but first, here's a fan letter.
phil: "dear bill and phil, i like your show a lot. your friend, timmy.
bill: "thanks timmy. now on with the cartoon."

bill, would you like to sit down? we were talking for fifty-nine seconds just then.
tell me about it, phil. these days are just stretching on forever.

-07.30: bill: "thanks for watching kids. tomorrow we'll have more yu-gi oh and sonic x. we had a lot of fun today, didn't we?"
phil: "we sure did, bill. i'm exhausted after all that fun."
bill: "me too."

and after another two minutes and four seconds, the day is over for the cheez tv hosts. they are free to retire to their mansion and snort lines of coke off the backs of asian prostitutes.

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