NRL 2018 - Round 4

Remember last year when NRL fans wouldn't fucking stop yelling about how there were too many teams not being penalised for being offside, for fucking around in the ruck and for dicking around in the play-the-ball?  After watching the opening three rounds this year, it has become pretty apparent that they refs have listened to the calls and are actually penalising the players for on-field indiscretions.  

Unfortunately, now it’s a deadset penaltython, and now it's the commentators, players and coaches that aren’t happy to be forced to actually abide by the rules of the game, announcing their displeasure at the referees actually upholding the laws of the sport and thereby destroying the sport of rugby league.  The stricter eye on the rules has resulted in some excruciatingly slow and disjointed games of footy, with perennial penalty-whores Melbourne, Cronulla and Brisbane so far unwilling to change their game plans to accommodate a whistle-blower who is not in the mood to fuck around.  It has also seen the refs happy to stop play for pretty much anything, including fucking up last week’s Broncos vs Tigers game by giving Brisbane 2 points they sorely didn’t deserve. 

My solution:  keep at it, lads.  Penalise those cheating fuckers until they learn. 

LAST WEEK

The Cowboys have added to their offensive play list – in addition to “give it to Thurston & hope for the best”, they now have “give it to Hess & hope for the best.”

St George have jumped out of the blocks hard and fast (again) this year, with Hunt & Widdop controlling the game and playing as if they’ve been best mates forever and their wives are friends too and they go to each other’s houses all the time and they’re planning on buying a boat together and they are the godparents of each other’s kids and they lend each other power tools and don’t get angry when it takes them an extra few weeks to return them.  It’s beautiful to see.  It would be more beautiful if it wasn’t at St George.

THIS WEEK

Manly are set to be handed a fine for massive breaches of their salary cap, as they tried to sneak Daly Cherry-Evans, the Trbojevic brothers, Martin Tapou and Todd Greenberg onto their dodgy accounts.  Manly have owned up to their mistake though, and began their penance last week by stripping themselves of a win so that the NRL wouldn’t have to do it later in the season.  I guess if you’re going to cheat, you might as well do it while everyone is distracted by the Australian cricket team.

ROUND 4

North Queensland Cowboys vs Penrith Panthers

With Penrith halfback Nathan Cleary out with what I can only imagine to be an injured chin seeing as it takes up 91% of his body, I’m tipping the Cows to get up in this one in a pretty scrappy affair. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs

With both teams having  registered one win more than I had expected them to all year already, this is shaping up to be a barnstormer of a match of epically ordinary proportions.  Both teams are so slow that in years from now, this game will be used to explain to blind Americans how rugby league is played.

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm

How will the Sharks fail to live up to expectations this week?  With Princess Moylan back in the starting line up, I’d say that’s a good place to start.  Melbourne should rack up a sand-paper-free cricket score in this one.

Sydney Roosters vs NZ Warriors

The Roosters’ Salary Sombrero is starting to pay off, as their star signings are clicking well on field in what can only be a terrifying prospect for opposition teams.  I’d say they should win this one pretty comfortably, but should watch out for Blair putting some cheap hits on Keary and Cronk, and everyone else.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra fucking Raiders

The Raiders have lost all three games so far and are only -5 in point differential.  That’s quite an achievement.  I mean, a better achievement would be fucking winning a game.  Stupid bastards.  I’m not tipping you as an incentive to actually do something.

St George Dragons vs Newcastle Knights

Yeah, sorry Newy fans (both of you) – I think this weekend is going to make the 2018 Knights team look like the 2016 Knights team.

Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON the Broncos have the Sunday night game?  That’s about the most interesting part of this game, actually. 

Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels will be missing Bevan French and Clint Gutherson this week through injury.  Jarryd Hayne is also not playing, but is less likely to be missed.  Here’s hoping that the Tigers continue to grind out games to keep Parra on the bottom of the ladder for just another week.

How not to play football: The final 2 minutes of Raiders vs Warriors