The NRL were determined not to just launch the 2018 season
with competitive games and athletic prowess, and instead opted for the “there’s
no such thing as bad publicity” adage as the start of the season was overshadowed
by fuckwittery and dickheadedness with the signing of Matt Lodge for the
Broncos. Just in case you’ve been hiding
in your bathroom while 120kg of meth-addled dickwit broke into your
house and took you hostage, Matt Lodge did exactly that just two years ago
while in New York. Somehow he escaped
doing a stint in jail and has so far managed to avoid paying compensation to
his victims, then signed a six-figure contract (plus TPAs) to play footy. Reports are that he may or may not have attended drug rehabilitation, and may or may not be in constant contact with his counsellor who may or may not exist. Another report states
that he has “written a letter of apology” to the family whose house he broke
into and destroyed before being arrested, but that the letter has not been
delivered as yet. I don’t think that a
McDonalds napkin with “I M SORY 4 BRAKING IN” written in crayon counts as a
letter, but that’s just me and my lofty standards of not being a dick.
NRL “legend” Paul Gallen chimed in on another topic that he
doesn’t understand and commented “if the NRL have cleared him, then he’s ok to
play. We’ve got players who have
assaulted women and they’re still playing.”
Lucky for Gal, Lodge was also convicted of beating his ex-girlfriend in
the same month as he decided to go postal in New York, so he has that caveat
ticked off as well. Welcome to the boys
club, Matty!
Enough was said last week about whether people like Matt
Lodge should be allowed to play in the NRL, so I’ll just say that it was a genius
move by Brisbane coach Wayne Bennett to sign a certified criminal lunatic to
take the focus away from the fact that the rest of his team are shit.
LAST WEEK
It was an interesting first round of football, with an upset
from the Tigers, a nail-biter from the Knights, business as usual from the
Storm, and the standard shitshow from Canberra, who managed to fuck up an
18-point lead AFTER 10 MINUTES to lose.
Just saying, when you put on 18-points in 10 minutes, you should be
winning by 144 points at full time.
My favourite play of Round 1 came from the St George vs
Brisbane game, where Ben Hunt snaffled an intercept and scooted 60 metres to
score a try, after he recognised the Broncos’ set-up from when he used to play
for them for the past 5 years. Hopefully
this will be an ongoing occurrence this year after the player switcheroo that
happened in the off-season; Cooper Cronk will know the Storm plays like the back of his hand,
Mitchell Pearce has an insight to the Roosters, and James Maloney will recognise
the Sharks plays - James Tedesco will be of no use though, as (a) the Tigers
had no plays, and (b) he’d just fucken drop the ball anyway.
THIS WEEK
ROUND 2
PHWOAR what a cracker of a game this should be – the Sharks will
get a sneak preview of the players that they will try to sign in about six
years, and the Dragons will get a chance to prove that having a strong forward
pack, excellent ball-players in the halves and a solid backline is a great way
to construct a rugby league team.
Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs
NRL accountant: We
should look at the Roosters’ accounts. Surely
they can’t afford to have Cronk, Tedesco, Tupou, Mitchell, Ferguson, Keary,
Warea-Hargreaves, Friend, Cordner, Aubusson and Napa?
Roosters: Lose to
Tigers.
NRL accountant: Never
mind.
Brisbane Broncos vs North Queensland Cowboys
It is going to be SO GOOD to finish Round 2 and still have
Brisbane on 0 points and sitting at the bottom of the ladder. The Cowboys looked pretty good last week and
managed to control the game really well, despite not being able to convert
possession and field position into points.
That shouldn’t be a problem this week – when in doubt, run at Milford,
Nikorima or Boyd.
NZ Warriors vs Gold Coast Titans
What happens when a moveable object meets a stoppable force? This game.
The Titans might not want to keep giving up 18-point head starts to
their opposition too often. I mean, they
could probably do it for this game, but maybe not too much after that. Unless they play the Bulldogs.
Penrith Panthers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Q: What's red and green and covered in butter?
A: The Burgess Brothers
And so the next phase of Souths has officially begun under
their new coach – after halfback Adam Reynolds was injured last week and ruled out for 4 weeks, Souths have
opted to ignore Robbie Farah and instead blood a new bloke named Adam Doueihi. The most interesting thing about this match will be to see just how many variations of Doueihi the
commentators can come up with over 80 minutes.
Melbourne Storm vs Wests Tigers
Dear Melbourne, you should come and visit our tryline
soon. Love, The Tigers
Dear Tigers, thanks for the invite. We will see you soon and often. Cheers, Melbourne
Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels
So the dream I had about Manly winning didn’t quite pan out,
nor did everyone’s prophecies about Parra being good this year. But you know what they say about tipping two
teams who lost last week who are playing each other this week: you can only tip one loser this week. It’s a great saying. Etch it onto my tombstone.
Canberra Raiders vs Knewcastle Nights
Imagine no one having any expectations of you, but you still
manage to disappoint them? That’s what
it’s like being a Canberra fan. I’ll
still back them, but if they fuck out on me for another fifteen or sixteen
years, I’ll be REALLY upset.
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| Reasons I don't play NRL: I don't want to be fisted by Sideshow Bob |
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