Another tumultuous week for the formerly proud club of the Wests Tigers has come to an end, and we can finally put to bed the speculation about one of the
game’s worst halfbacks – he will be staying at one of the game’s worst clubs
until 2020. Luke Brooks, you are a
champion.
It hasn't quite worked out like that for other members of the team though. The current Tigers captain and residing member of Wests
“Big 4”, Aaron Woods, has decided to jump ship to Canterbury, a place where
all fat front-rowers go to die. How ol’
Stoner Slothypants will fit in with (or push out) resident fucken psychos like
James “Mad Cow” Graham and David “I prefer my victims raw” Klemmer is a whole
other issue that will provide entertainment of its own. I don't think much of Woods at the best of times, but this is on a whole other level of shitness. What kind of club captain signs with
another fucking team mid-season?
To top off an eventful few days, Mitch Moses inked a deal with Parramatta and James Tedesco agreed to head
Bondi-side to join the Roosters, leaving the Tigers’ so-called “Big 4” as “Luke Brooks”, making the world’s smallest man the jewel in the crown of
the mighty Wests Tigers.
 |
| Luke Brooks received a Participation Award at training last week |
Fucking hell, Tigers.
Why are you so fucking shit?
Other movements in
the NRL have seen Cronulla up-and-comer Jack Bird sign with Brisbane for the
next four million dollars years or so, under the proviso that he’ll play
five-eighth; a position that he played for two games in an ill-informed social
experiment and was found to be “less than tits useless”. Congrats to everyone involved in that
decision. If Bird does indeed wear the
number 6 at Brisbane, he should combine nicely alongside Kodi Nikorima in the
halves once Milford beefs up to prop over the next 10-12 months.
Round 8 or something
Canberra (1.23) vs Manly (4.00)
WOOOO CANBERRA BANG
BANG GREEN MACHINE WOO MANLY ARE SHIT EVEN THOUGH THEY ALMOST WON LAST WEEK BY
ACCIDENT WOOO ALL ABOARD THE LEIPANA BANDWAGON WOO MANLY MORE LIKE WOMANLY BUT
NOT IN A SEXIST WAY AMIRITE? WOO.
Woo indeed.
Souths (3.55) vs Brisbane (1.32)
Holy shit Brissy
were lucky to get away with a win from last week’s game – they can thank the
dickfingers of 90% of the Titans team, and the sheer beastness that is James
Roberts. Is it just me, or does he always
look like he can smell dog shit? Souths
are really looking a bit ordinary at the moment, and I’d love to say that
things are going to change, but things are not going to change.
Parramatta (2.25) vs Penrith (1.67)
The Panthers have been
fucking woeful lately, and I really don’t know why I’m tipping them. Am I drunk?
Not yet. But I will be.
Cowboys (1.32) vs Newcastle (3.55)
Oh man the Cows are
shitful without Jonathan Thurston. Like,
really shitful. Like a bag full of shit
shitful. I would love for these
premiership “contenders” to lose to both the Tigers and the Knights to shut the
rabble from Queensland up for a few minutes.
I think the Cows will get home, but I’m hoping that Newy give them a
royal fucking along the way.
Cronulla (1.27) vs Gold Coast (4.00)
The Titans would
have had their beautiful little can-do hearts broken by last week’s loss, but
they proved that they have the determination to match it with anyone on their
day. Unfortunately for them, Jarryd Hayne has been named in their side after
his six-week injury lay-off, and the only way I can see them winning this game
is if they can take their star player out in the first 10 minutes.
Wests Tigers (2.67) vs Canterbury (1.50)
Fuck it, who cares? The best part of watching a Tigers game is to
see how far they can get in front before they inevitably fall apart. Why would the Tiges ruin a perfect week?
Roosters (1.67) vs St George (2.20)
Seriously, the
Dragons are STILL on top of the ladder?
This is crazy. For some reason
they are also outsiders to win this match, despite the Roosters being a bit
rubbish. And by “a bit”, I mean “a lot.” I have no idea why I was trying to be nice to
them. Dickheads.
Melbourne (1.30) vs Warriors (3.70)
I’m just going to
change the match-up of this one to be “Warriors vs Themselves”. This game interests me about as much as
watching golf. I mean, I’ll probably
still watch it, but I definitely won’t enjoy myself.
LEGEND OF LEAGUE: Bobby Lulham
Since this has been
a week/year of turmoil for the Tigers, I thought I would share a story (mainly
true) about a legend of the club.
Rugby league has
been around for a hundred years, and has attracted its fair share of
controversies that wouldn’t look out of place on the next shithouse series of
Underbelly. Except for one that wouldn’t look out of place in Home and Away; one
man’s story that involves adultery, attempted murder, depression, attempted
suicide, divorce, the end of a sportsman’s career and a forbidden love. A story fit for the pages of Mills & Boon,
played out like an Ed Sheerhan video, and snapped up quicker than a 50 Shades
sequel.
Bobby Lulham was
born in Newcastle in 1926 and started playing rugby league as soon as he could.
He moved to Sydney to play for Balmain in 1947, immediately impressing on the
wing and becoming the top try-scorer in his debut season, notching up an
impressive 28 meat pies. Incidentally,
this is still a Balmain club record for most tries in a season.
Walt fucking Disney
couldn’t write this better, as he went
on to represent New South Wales in all four games, as well as kicking the pants
out of Canterbury in a grand final victory.
Not bad for a first year, so why not just keep being better at sport and
play for your country in your second season?
Bob even crossed the stripe in his first game as an Australian rep to
prove how fucking easy it is to be an athlete.
Everything was
coming up Milhouse for Lulham as he was catapulted towards superstardom and
untold shillings and girls wearing polka dot dresses. Until the 1953 season.
It started alright
for our hero, who was in good form and Balmain were winning more than they were
losing. One fateful day in July, the
Tigers went down to their archrivals Canterbury, and Lulham was singled out for
having “a shit game”. He told his coach,
“Tally ho and pip-pip, eh sport?” which was the equivalent of a current player
saying, “Yeah nah.” Fuck it, everyone
has an off-day.
So Bob did the
responsible thing and called his doctor to find out what was going on; how did
his magical rugby league powers get taken away?
The doctor came to the conclusion that Lulham had a stomach ulcer.
And this is where
the story gets interesting (and would be a good time for a cliff-hanger for
next week’s episode).
Two days after the
loss to Canterbury and with Lulham bedridden, the NSWRL doctor received an
anonymous phone call from a woman, who claimed her husband had put poison in
Lulham’s beer before the game against Canterbury. Wait – BEFORE he played? What a time to be alive. The doctor reported this poisoning to the
police and Lulham went to hospital as his condition continued to
deteriorate. Fuck it, I’d probably drink
a poisoned beer too (and continue to drink it after knowing that it was poison)
because beer is great.
In true CSI
fashion, they did a semen analysis of Lulham (probably not) and found that he’d
been slipped thallium, commonly found in rat poison, and unlikely to be a
secret ingredient on MasterChef any time soon.
Lulham posted this information on Instagram (also unlikely) and the
rugby league world went into a frenzy.
Was he poisoned, or did he try to poison himself?
After a pretty
short investigation, it was revealed by Detective Steve Bastoni (played by Gary
Sweet) that Lulham’s mother-in-law, Victoria, had poisoned him. A few years back, Veronica and her husband
split up, and Lulham and his missus did the right and noble thing by letting
her crash at their place.
And this is where
the story takes another interesting turn, and would be another poignant place
to put a “next week on Tiger Town” promotion.
It’s also about at this point where you realise, “Hey, this isn’t even
about rugby league anymore.”
As happens in
pornography, Bob Lulham and his mother-in-law involved themselves in a sexual relationship.
I’ll let your imaginations run with that
for a while.
As doesn’t happen
in pornography, the guilt Veronica was feeling about deceiving her daughter had
got her very depressed and she felt she had to do something before she ruined
her daughter’s marriage. She probably
could have had these feelings before she was doing reverse-cowgirl while
wearing stilettos on the couch… for example.
In any case, she
grabbed a few brewskis and sat down with Bob to watch Gogglebox, intending to
drink the poison herself, rather than put her family through some weird
shit. Unfortunately, the drinks became
mixed up (probably while he had her bent over the coffee table in a position
that didn’t look comfortable for either of them, even though they were both
moaning enthusiastically… for example) and Bobby consumed the poisoned
beverage.
A month later,
Lulham came clean about his torrid affair, and Veronica came clean about
poisoning him. She did the honest thing
and tried the thallium treatment once again and was admitted to hospital.
As happens in
pornography, Lulham sidled back up to his wife, but as happens in life, she
filed for divorce. Lulham never played
first grade football again – some say that his heart had been taken, others say
that it was because he was fucking poisoned.
Lulham passed away
in 1980. But not from thallium poisoning
though.
 |
| Damn right you'd tap this |
Bobby Lulham career statistics
Balmain (1947-53) Played 85, 85 Tries, 85 Goals, 345 Points
New South Wales (1947-49) Pl 9, 8T, 24 Pts
Australia – Tests (1948-49) Pl 3, 1T, 3 Pts
Australia – Tour Matches (1948-49) Pl 15, 11T, 33 Pts
TOTAL (1947-53) Pl 112, 105 Tries, 45 Goals, 405 Pts
No comments:
Post a Comment